Well, given how I usually come away from reading your thread with a sobering, reflective kind of feeling, it was a pleasure to be LMAO at this one.
Sometimes my typing does out run my mouth. lol Do you think I should censor myself.
Originally Posted By: tomato
What a nice convo to have. It sure must be nice to step back and take a solid look at the accomplishments that have taken place in such a short time period. Truly awesome. Well done to both of you.
Being on this site, keeps me from taking even the smallest thing for granted.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You had, in you mind tryed and tryed and tryed to reach you H and let him now that you were unhappy and that he needed to treat you better. Like the DAM that he is he did not hear you. You were ready to leave to make yourself happy but you didn't.
You went to C on your own. Again you tryed to tell him and he did not listnen. Now for the great part you finally figured out that the only way to reach your H was to smack him upside the head with a club. You told him how he had hurt you, what you were planning on doing and what he need to do to change.
You continued for months to tell him what he need to do if he meet those needs you moved closer and gave him some affection when he didn't you smacked him upside the head with a club again. That is how we need to learn. We need to be told not once but many times what you want before we get it.
I wish my W would understand that. If she would just tell me exactly what I am doing right or wrong it would make it much easier.
Also anybody that fights for their M as you did deservers to be rewarded as you have. Too many people on this board do not. Keep it up and he knows if he does something wrong that club is always within your reach.
Okay, I see that now, thanks. What I have to confess to is that OM was coaching me every step of the way. I would talk to him every day. We'd go over what had happened the night before, & what my goal was long term. Everytime I even talked about quitting or giving up, OM would remind me how strong I am, & if that didn't make me try again, he'd tell me to be ready to kiss my kids goodbye every other weekend. OM said a lot of good things, but he also messed up my head in a way he never could have predicted.
As far as your wife not telling you what you're doing right or wrong.....did you ever read where Forrest told me to make a graph. Then when I'd do something, chart if it made H move closer, or farther away. If you write down the behavior with the response, pretty soon you'll know. Or.....you could tell me what you're doing, & I can tell you if it's right or wrong.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
arthur, I have said for years & years..."I'm a duck". My C said "tell me about a duck". I said "a duck floats on top of the water gliding along, appearing to be calm, controlled & at peace...under the water, the duck is paddling like crazy not to be swept downstream into the raging ocean with the giant sharks".
Maybe you want to be a sea otter instead, or a penguin. Water glides off of both of them, but they seem to have more fun than a duck. LOL
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Happy day before the 4th! I am not sure if you have been following my sitch but the past few days have been anything but unpleasant as the W is wanting to put the house for sale.
In anycase, I had a quick question. I am doing LRT and seeing some progress with her asking me questions etc...and even said that I looked good this morning and that she noticed that I was losing weight. But what I was wondering, after reading the first few chapters of the 5 Love Languages and paging through the rest (will read the rest tonight), should I start using words of affirmation (what I believe is one of her languages, along with acts of service - my 180s are helping me somewhat here) when we do talk or are in the same room (you like nice in the outfit, etc...)? Are WAWs somewhat open to having their emotional love tank filled or does the numbness prohibit that?
Any thoughts?
Thanks!
LS
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Cookie... you're not going to jinx it...you both have too much knowledge!
and by the way....sometimes it's ok to have a huge fight. things that are worth having are worth fighting for! if that makes sense..LOL...
neil, I'm working with C to re-program my inner tape recordings. In my mind & childhood, when people fight, they divorce & I never see them again. So a fight triggers my abandonment issues. Then, since my biggest fear is being left, I withdraw all emotions & that way "I get them before they get me". But, I'm changing all that now that I'm aware of it. The brain is really an amazing thing.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
((cookie))Your not going to jinx it.You have been blessed with the smarts and the wisdom to change anything you want!!
And your already doing it!!
Always remember,give and it will come back-ten fold.
I think your going to be buried with help through this for all the help you have given others.
Rock on cookie!!!-MIKE
((Mike))
Thanks, you're such a sweetie.
From my childhood, I have this imaginary basement with all the "stuff" that ever happened. When I talked to OM about how to get rid of it all, he said.....everytime you help another person, imagine you get a cup of acid to pour onto all that "stuff" & make it dissolve. That's just one of the reasons I like to help people.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Happy day before the 4th! I am not sure if you have been following my sitch but the past few days have been anything but unpleasant as the W is wanting to put the house for sale.
In anycase, I had a quick question. I am doing LRT and seeing some progress with her asking me questions etc...and even said that I looked good this morning and that she noticed that I was losing weight. But what I was wondering, after reading the first few chapters of the 5 Love Languages and paging through the rest (will read the rest tonight), should I start using words of affirmation (what I believe is one of her languages, along with acts of service - my 180s are helping me somewhat here) when we do talk or are in the same room (you like nice in the outfit, etc...)? Are WAWs somewhat open to having their emotional love tank filled or does the numbness prohibit that?
Any thoughts?
Thanks!
LS
Hey LS, I've been trying to follow as many threads as I can, but if you have a specific question, jump on here, just like you did okay. Didn't you decide you were going to let her call the Realtor if that's what she wanted ?
In my case, it helped. I didn't act like it helped, & he had to do a ton of it before I started to even respond favorably. But, I think it's always a good idea to provide love supplies to another human being. Especially one that is angry, because an angry person is a suffering person. When I was numb, I'm sure H thought it wasn't even impacting me, & I didn't even acknowledge a lot of it, but in the long run, I appreciated it, & I've since told him.
Happy 4th to you too.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks SC! Yes, I decided that if she wants to sell the house, it's up to her. Even mentioned last night that I might be up for buying her out and keeping the house for me and the kids. That was like kicking a hornets nest but it needed to get out in the open.
That is encouraging to hear from you. W still only views me as a friend and that there is no love but I need to figure out how to show her the way and believe that if I can remain true to LRT and slip in some words of affirmation, it might help. We'll see.
Thanks again and to quote Homer Simpson "What better way to celebrate the birthday of your country than by blowing up a piece of it". Thank goodness you can buy almost anytype of firework in my state. My kids and I are going to have a blast tomorrow and I hope you do as well.
LS
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Okay, I see that now, thanks. What I have to confess to is that OM was coaching me every step of the way. I would talk to him every day. We'd go over what had happened the night before, & what my goal was long term. Everytime I even talked about quitting or giving up, OM would remind me how strong I am, & if that didn't make me try again, he'd tell me to be ready to kiss my kids goodbye every other weekend. OM said a lot of good things, but he also messed up my head in a way he never could have predicted.
As far as your wife not telling you what you're doing right or wrong.....did you ever read where Forrest told me to make a graph. Then when I'd do something, chart if it made H move closer, or farther away. If you write down the behavior with the response, pretty soon you'll know. Or.....you could tell me what you're doing, & I can tell you if it's right or wrong.
This OM of yours was a strange one. Why he was coaching you on how to deal with you H is interesting. But it does take someone of the oposite sex to help us understand how to deal with them.
Men are straight forward. Tell us point blank what you want and not just once but several times till we get it. Women are more subtle, you have to go round and round and round until you finally get to the point. Its hard for you to be straight forward and just as hard for us to dance around the issue.
Thats why you have so many men asking you questions beacause most women will not tell us what we need to hear. They tell us what they think we want to hear and then we get it all wrong. And if we talk to other guys it does not get us any closer to understanding women.
Have a great 4th and keep posting. You are helping so many of us relate to our W.
