Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[Bagheera]

Your story continues to sound far all too familiar to me, Bear. I've made many of the same fumbling mistakes, been haunted by many of the same doubts and uncertainties, but believe me when I say that you are on the right track.

There were tears. We talked about what she wants. She told me she has no idea. She told me: "I don't think about things like you do. I don't know what I think about things. I don't know what I feel about things!"

The best thing that you can do then, for both of you, is to continue to 'man up' in the relationship. Take the lead: she'll let you know when you're doing the right thing, or if you're on the wrong track. My own wife and I have recognized the irony of our own marriage recovery: in order to fix it, I (the man) had to point the way toward repairing our emotional relationship (which was supposed to be her area of expertise), while she (the woman) had to point the way toward repairing our physical relationship (which was supposed to be my area of expertise). In both cases, however, I had to be 'the man,' and take charge.

She took a shower, came out in that thin robe and . . . well, she made . . . overtures. Expressions of interest. There were eyebrows involved, along with other parts. It was crystal clear what she wanted. I know I must have looked like a puzzled dog trying to figure out a doorknob. She'd just been telling me about all the pressure I put her under . . . was this real? Was she reacting to more pressure, real or perceived? Did she even know? If she didn't, how could I ever be expected to know?

As my kids would say: "Dude! Stop it!" When something like this happens, take Michele's advice and Just Do It!. Stop the analysis, stop the second guessing, stop the doubting -- just enjoy!

Heaven knows, I'm terrible at this myself, Bear. I've got a Ph.D., and researching, collecting data, analyzing, forming models, and testing hypotheses have been a part of me since I was eight. And do you know how much good that Ph.D. does me in the bedroom? Nadda, zilch, and zip --> this mindset hurts me more than it helps me. One of the things that my wife and our therapist are working to get me to STOP is the constant analysis of our relationship and "spectatoring" in the bedroom (monitoring my 'performance' and analyzing it afterwards). My wife jokingly calls herself my latest 'research project,' and I can see why (although she knows how deeply in love with her I am).

She said she couldn't tell me what was going on, but I'd brought her the flowers and listened to her.

BINGO! You successfully romanced her yesterday, and didn't even know it. You made her feel special and cherished (with the flowers), and connected with her emotionally (with the conversation, especially conversation about FEELINGS). Congratulations!

Since I mentioned flowers before, I'll add one warning note about them. The perceived intent behind them is critical. If your wife thinks that the message is "I'm giving you these flowers ONLY because I want to get laid," then you fail. If your wife thinks that the message is "I'm giving you these flowers because you're incredibly special to me (whether I get laid or not)" then you've succeeded.

I'll spare you the details, but I'll mention something I know Bagheera will enjoy analyzing. As things progressed, she asked me:
"What would you say if I wanted to have WILD sex tonight?"
"I'd say yes. What do you have in mind?"
"Oh, I don't know."
"You can't think of anything?"
"Well . . . no. I don't know."

Me? Analyze? I've LIVED this one, puzzled it, researched it, and now (think I) understand it. One of the keys to arousing a sexually submissive person is to remove all burdens from them. They don't want to take charge, they don't want to make a decision, they don't want to spell out or even think about what they might want for themselves. Their joy and their arousal comes from following your lead, your directions, your arousal, and your pleasure. It's an incredibly freeing experience, especially for someone who has to be in charge of [a company, a classroom, a pack of children] during the day. You aren't just pleasuring yourself Bear, you're giving her a wonderfully liberating gift, and she TRUSTS you, and only you, to do that for her.

I decided to take that as permission. I took over and took what I wanted. It was on the forceful side. She really seemed to enjoy it, and we had a great time lying together snuggling afterwards....

I'm going to encourage you again to have a serious discussion with your wife, outside of the bedroom, and set up any necessary boundaries and a safe-word system. You need this for your own protection, and for the safety of both of you. You may never need to use it (my wife and I haven't yet), but it's there, just in case.

I'm also going to step out on a limb here, and recommend that you research the Taken in Hand (TIH) relationship. It may help to answer some of your question about your wife, and may even be what she is hoping for, even if she can't spell it out --> a common trait among strong, naturally dominant women who lean this way. I certainly never thought that my own strong, feminist wife secretly yearned for a more 'traditional' husband-wife relationship, and for many years this lack of understanding on my part hurt us. I finally 'got it,' and the changes we have made have been remarkably nice for both of us.

You'll have to figure out what's best for your OWN relationship, however. Everyone is different. For example, I can see DanceQueen balking loudly at adopting such a male-led relationship. So do what's best for you and your wife, and take my words as just a sharing of my own journey.

Best regards,

Bagheera