Separated 5 years.

[Tink]

Hi MP53,

I think you should file for divorce and see what kind of reaction you get. More of the same isn't changing one thing --in the relationship or in your life--and it has been 5 years.

Tink

[MP53]

I fear you are right.

[Rusty]

The say to do a 180 and that would definitely be it. He is maybe too comfortable as things are and that might make him a little bit uncomfortable enough to take stock in what is going on in his life. My H says he isn't filing because of the money, but I think that really he doesn't like the finality of it all. Your H may be the same.

[MP53]

Maybe, Rusty. I have asked him several times during the 5 years why we are not divorced yet, and he always sighs and says, "I don't know."

He also tried the bit about him being afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.

I'm thinking he doesn't file because of the money.

He told me yesterday that he is seeing several "someones."

Hurt to hear that, for sure.

[Rusty]

Well you know what they say - don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what you see!! But that would hurt for sure. I joined a meetup.com group here and they had an event tonight. I metL someone who was really nice - definitely not my "type" but really nice and fun to talk to. It is worth at least trying to see what is out there.
I think it would for sure let him know you can take care of yourself if you file. I think if sounds like too much work to file, so they don't do it. At least that is what I think about my H. He never did anything on his own. I always had to do everything that required any effort = even so far as getting the licenses renewed on our vehicles! How lazy is that??

[MP53]

Well, I think you're right about that Rusty...there is the element of all the work involved in filing and getting a fair settlement when if I'm willing to live like this, it's so much easier for him.

To be fair, it's easier financially for me, too, to stay this way, but not emotionally. I'm still far too much attached to him.

He always backs away from the actual filing. We have gotten to the point of agreeing to find mediators and setting up meeting times, etc, only to have them fall through.

And I don't press it. I like living where I'm living and not dealing with certain things right now. But it will have to change.

Sigh.

[Rusty]

I know about easier financially. If we were to file, and the courts were to have their say, I wouldn't get near as much monthly as I do now. I think I would have to get a lump sum for some of our business ownership, but right now, with me not working, I need the monthly amount and I don't want that to change.

I know my H feels responsible for me financially but I don't think he sees it as a burden, just that he needs to do what is right for me and the kids.

I don't press the divorce either - I used to but he never followed through, so I took that as a good sign. Who knows, you have to do what is comfortable and best for your situation.

[MP53]

Well, I'm fairly uncomfortable with my situation. I fear that staying put, as I have, makes him pity me or dismiss me as not worthy of being loved.

Those are my feelings, so it's more to do with my lack of self-esteem than anything he tells me about myself...but he's not falling all over himself to be with me either.

He told me he was a lot like a character on a Showtime show, Californication...I watched one episode...I don't know what to think about that comparison.

Blows my mind. I guess it's best not to think anything about it.

[Rusty]

Then if you are uncomfortable you need to make a move.
I have never seen the show - what is it about? Someone mentioned that show to me recently - I had never heard of it.
I think Tink may be right - you may want to, at the very least, go get a legal separation to start the process and get him thinking. My H and I are not legally separated, which can be a problem I guess, but so far it has been okay. I think the problems come in with credit reports, etc.
Maybe take some time this long weekend and make a plan for the next few years and where you want to be and how you want to be living. Assume you will be getting a D and work from there. That is what I am trying = you know "Independence Day".....

[MP53]

Basically, from the one episode I watched, this guy is "circling the drain" in his life. He's screwing every woman who comes within touching distance, but he's not connecting to anyone. He still loves his X-girlfriend (they were never married) who he shares custody with of their 12 year old daughter.

He is a great writer, who has writer's block, and he knows he's f*cking up his life, but he's okay with it.

Sigh.

Yes, I need a plan of action. I will be thinking about that while at the beach this weekend. Drinking beer. Eating fried clams. Reading a good book.