Wife is considering filing - Need Help

[LosingSunshine]

Okay, I am at a pc and will try to make some sense out of yesterday evening.

So, W gets home from work and notices that I am not in work clothes and asked if I had a 1/2 day. I said no that I went golfing this afternoon with some of the guys from work. She asked with whom but couldn't respond because I was busy with the kids. As we were eating she reminded me that her friends would be coming over and that she wanted to spend some time with the kids this evening before they did. I said okay but I would be taking them outback after dinner to play. I did that and brought them in and left.

Went to Sbux for some iced green tea and read Sandi's post. I saw her point and decided to swing by the house a little after that and we ended up getting into a confrontation. I sort of initiated it by asking what she was going to be getting ready for storage and said that nothing that is considered shared property should be moved out. I also told her that I was looking into just buying her out so I can keep the house for me and the kids. This sent her into a tizzy because:
1. She realized that for me to do so I would have to rely on my parents financial resources and therefore, I must have talked to parents.
2. She became concerned about custody issues and started throwing in my face how she has taken care of the kids for the past 4 years while I drank. I responded that I can't change the past and that I have provided for this family for the past 4 years. I tried my best to remain calm, not swear etc...She was angry, yelling, and crying.
I told her that I do not want to end this marriage. I do not want to sell the house. I do not want this. You do.
All the while, her friend (alternative lifestyle - female) was very near us during this conversation and at one point, she was going to get up to check on 4D and not mean, but firm, I said no. I ended the conversation and left the house.

Met up with some friends at the local brewpub. They had some drinks, I had a Sierra Mist! Kind of funny as the folks there are okay with me just chilling, having fun and not drinking. Good atmosphere, good food, good people. So we leave there and I head home.

When I get home, I ask the W if she had a moment. I just wanted to diffuse the sitch so as to not have her remain angry at me. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes.

Key points from conversation.
1. W said her new friends can't understand the way she feels. They can't understand why she doesn't want to work through the issues....how she's so numb to the M.
2. W feels that I have been ignoring her and was upset because I have shown no emotion/feelings about any of this (LRT impact)
3. I talked too much about what I want, how I feel about the sitch but did keep the conversation balanced by listenting to her, validating her feelings etc...I just felt that I needed to say those things because it is what I want. At that point I didn't really care if it put pressure on her. I needed to open my heart to her to see if she was listening.
4. Nothing really has changed feeling wise. Doesn't believe that she can ever love me the way she feels that there should be love within a M and feels that there is someone out there that can make me much happier. Only views me as a friend.
5. Issue: she allowed us to focus so much on my career at the expense of what she wants. Is angry that I have not supported her career.
6. Issue: allowed to much focus on me. Enabled my selfishness
7. Issue: She just wants focus to be on her.
8. Issues: everything else that has been going on. Doesn't want me to be angry. Doesn't want the D to get messy. Just wants it done so she can move on.


All in all, it was a good conversation eventhough nothing really changed. Somewhere in the talk, I somehow got her to agree to do a joint MC session, just 1. I told her that I don't want her to do it if she doesn't want to. I ended the conversation on a somewhat good note, went downstairs and apologized to her friend and went to bed.

Also, afterwards, I am beginning to really understand how much she is the WAW. She is so numb to everything right now. Everything about the past is negative. She knows, and has said as much, that I can change for the positive. She just doesn't want to be M anymore. She said that I don't understand but thanks to the folks in this community. I do. I really do.

This morning, I awoke, got ready, got my 4d ready and 2S ready. W finally comes up stairs and said that I look really good today. A few minutes later she says that she can notice that I have been losing weight. Since 2D wasn't being cooperative with eating Cheerios or fruit, she made pancakes again as I finished up putting away the dishes and taking out the trash. She brought up how she'll be going to the movies late tonight and brunch tomorrow with some friends. I said okay. The kids and I have a busy day planned tomorrow, pool, picnic and fireworks. She asked if we were still going camping and I said unsure. She asked who all would be there and I told her. She asked how far away the lake was and I told her.

So, somewhat of a backslide, but not really. Not sure how much of the recent gains I lost yesterday but I had to draw the line regarding the house. I had to stand up and not let her walk over me...and by the evening, I was showing compassion to her needs and wants. Still no emotion to the sitch. I am PMA, GAL, moving forward as if, and remaining strong and calm for myself and the kids.

Well, more LRT. I somehow need to help her find that small glimmer of hope deep down in her heart. I need her to bend just a little (joint MC session) and then just a little more. She is responding to what I want when I ask (IC on Sunday and MC yesterday) but she is doing so for my sake, not hers.

How much time before she finds that glimmer and decides to open up to it? This is where patience comes in. I am learning to be patient. I am becoming a better listener. I am becoming a better man and father.