okay - let me clarify all this a bit. STBXW told me she was returning early before I invited her. Friend is actually W's thesis advisor, who is getting ready to be gone a month. W first accepted invitation, then declined, then said she didn't feel like cooking that evening and besides if she came she could talk work with advisor. Advisor, of course, wanted to drink beer and bullsh*t - which is what happened.
And advisor is pretty direct and no-nonsense. And we'd been drinking beer. So after STBXW left, the advisor asked who the OM was and then the conversation kind of devolved into talking trash about STBXW - but hey, the advisor started it! She has worked with OM and went off on what a slime he was. And she also feels like STBXW doesn't talk to her anymore. And she's annoyed about a paper that STBXW co-authored with OM.
I flubbed the food because I couldn't get the little neckties on the pheasant - okay, kidding! I roasted halibut and let it sit in the marinade too long, so it was kind of falling apart. And I used too much salt. And I overcooked the asparagus (cause I really wasn't paying attention) so it was soggy & limp. But the salad was good - topped it with roasted walnuts, aged blue cheese, and pear.
So yesterday I ran into STBXW. She was pleasant, then said, "You and advisor seem to suddenly be good friends." I told her that advisor had started asking me to do things for the last 6 months and I'd been telling STBXW that. Then she said, "what did you two talk about when you went outside together?" Advisor had been ranting about work stuff and I'd felt like getting some fresh air, but STBXW clearly thought we were talking about her. Of course we were more polite - we waited until she left!
Anyway, the rest of the exchange was pleasant and there was an air of regret in STBXW's conversation. Too bad. I've realized that I'm now at the point where I'd say "No" if she said she wanted to try again. She's too selfish.
A friend who was at the party also mentioned how telling the dynamic was between STBXW and I at the party. She was sort of nit-picky about little things and I was letting everything go. For instance, she'd biked over and complained that she didn't have a good light to ride home with. So I said she could borrow my bike light. She said no thanks. I said, just use it and put it in my mailbox at work tomorrow. She got offended. WTF? If you don't want to borrow it, don't complain about not having a light.
Anyway, this post is WAY too long for what actually happened - just a further installment in the online journal of the minutiae that makes up my life ...
Going hiking today over in the redwoods. Unfortunately I have to work on writing these papers this weekend, but I'm going to temper that with lots of hikes. What are you doing WCW, riding?
I can tell I flubbed the food when hot dogs split open or the grilled cheese turns black.
LOL I can tell I flubbed when I got mushrooms on the whole pizza from Pi22a Hut, instaed of only on 1/2
It is a relief when someone in 'our' circle of friends asks how things are going and really listens. It has amazed me how many people entirely avoid the fact that we are separated.
I'm glad you found support from a f-2-f friend the other night.
How are the fires out your way?
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
It is my considered opinion that people who do not want to be talked about by their ex-husband and thesis advisor should not be having sex with other members of the department. There are millions of people out there to choose from. When you choose within the group, you have to expect to be talked about. It is the right of the group to talk about it's own members.
I guess it was kind of a relief that someone close to both of us asked and really listened to me. And expressed incomprehension at W's choices! The advisor also said what everyone else has been saying - W is too selfish and is confused and unrealistic. That will fade and she'll probably learn the hard way what it's like to start dating again and to be with someone who you aren't necessarily compatible with, or who is uncommunicative, or unwilling to go outside their comfort zone and work on things.
Anyway.
The smoke isn't too bad - the sea breezes are keeping the air clear around here. Down in Big Sur they're having problems.
Right there with ya Lodo. If there's one thing I've discovered in this mess it's what great friends I have. My W has distanced herself from her REAL friends and only talks to the enabler GF. They're just stunned at what she's doing because they have been our friends for years and years and they KNOW she wasn't unhappy before (you can't fake happy that well).
And I'm with you. Even though we're still together now, I'm not sure I even want to try if she figures this out. Don't know if/until we get to a point where she really wants to try, so I don't know yet, but each day it gets less and less likely.
Have a great weekend!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Funny how your W seems to be questioning you suspiciously about your R with your mutual friend. My W is the same way with the female friend I have been hanging out with some times. The cheater worried about being cheated on. WTF? Also the desire not to be "talked about" or "judged" -- the hope that their actions will not have ramifications or are indicators of their character to the people around them. Mind boggler.
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My W has distanced herself from her REAL friends and only talks to the enabler GF. They're just stunned at what she's doing because they have been our friends for years and years and they KNOW she wasn't unhappy before (you can't fake happy that well).
My W to a T as well.
They all read the script, it seems.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Also the desire not to be "talked about" or "judged" -- the hope that their actions will not have ramifications or are indicators of their character to the people around them. Mind boggler.
Another perspective, repectfully put forth...
maybe they are hoping that the real friends will come to them and find out why they (WAS) are taking the actions they are taking.
Maybe the WAS are trying to take the high road by not trash talkig about the LBS to friends who don't want to be put in the middle of a couple's marital discord.
When all others can SEE is the WAS actions and HEAR is the LBS side, there is judgement passed by many without taking the time to SEE the LBS actions for years and HEAR the WAS side of it.
That may not be true in every case, but I bet it is in some.
Sorry to hi-jack the thread Lodo.
Hope your week-end of hiking is good. I'm jealous. I'm dog-sitting Saturday/Sunday for a friend. That makes 1 lab and 2 lab shepard mixes in this little house. Pay-backs are well...paybacks Later!
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Thanks for the clarification, it helped fill in the blanks and explain more of how things really go with W and you and her actions. Don't worry about being too long, you're not setting any records!
As for getting the neckties on the pheasants - did you check if they were supposed to be wearing neckties or were they hens? everyone knows hens don't wear neckties! they wear bonnets you silly goose!
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What are you doing WCW, riding?
I have a show and will be prepping for it the day before so there's 1 1/2 days shot. Stock car races that night if I can wrap up the show in time. Wish I didn't have to run the show and I could just ride and show and go home. Not sure yet what I'll do the rest of the time. Maybe just relax in the hammock around the pool. Oh wait! I don't have a hammock or a pool! Dang!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Also the desire not to be "talked about" or "judged" -- the hope that their actions will not have ramifications or are indicators of their character to the people around them. Mind boggler.
Another perspective, repectfully put forth...
maybe they are hoping that the real friends will come to them and find out why they (WAS) are taking the actions they are taking.
Maybe the WAS are trying to take the high road by not trash talkig about the LBS to friends who don't want to be put in the middle of a couple's marital discord.
When all others can SEE is the WAS actions and HEAR is the LBS side, there is judgement passed by many without taking the time to SEE the LBS actions for years and HEAR the WAS side of it.
That may not be true in every case, but I bet it is in some.
Sorry to hi-jack the thread Lodo.
Sorry for the TJ Lodo and absolutely no disrespect intended Bridgestone....And I'm really trying to understand here.....And I don't want to start a huge debate...but to understand....
So an affair is acceptable? I accept that there are times when what you've described has happened, I really do, but I just have a problem with any justification for an affair. If the marriage was so bad, why not separate or divorce before going there?
And what about the instances where there was NEVER any complaints about the marriage prior to the affair? That's the part I struggle with. If there were complaints prior, then I could be more understanding. But if there are NO complaints prior, how do you figure out what complaints are real and which are a martial rewrite to justify the affair?
And what about trash talking the LBS to the enabler?
And I know you are talking in general and not specifically to me, but our good friend Deb, who had an affair of her own a number of years ago has tried to talk to W about it, knowing what she's going through, but W refuses. So wouldn't that lead you to believe her problems are a rewrite of the marriage?
Again, I'm not trying to be cynical, but someone in an affair with a married person taking the high road? Wouldn't the high road be discussing any martial problems with your spouse and if you can't work them out, then separate or divorce before starting an affair?
I'm really trying to understand how this stuff happens, really. But it just seems like a lot of responsibility shifting to me.
No offence intended....
Now back to Lodo's regularily scheduled thread.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
