Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[MichelleLT]

That's what I mean though - let it all out! It's there anyways, so if your music can be a catharsis to clear out your subconscious, I vote go for it! But of course, only when you are ready.

Nice about the surprise lunch! Definitely a positive! And sparks....big positive too!

Hang in there.

[Abbey]

The sparks scared me though Michelle. It was nice and awful all at the same time.

I questioned myself - was this wishful thinking?... or was this that firework thingy that people feel for one another. Everything in me, everything I ever knew about him and I when we were at our very happiest,... and *before* he and I got together as a couple... this was *that*. It was brief,... and I looked away first, cuz it was like a "zap", when I looked back up he was still looking at me. His pupils still don't react like they used to but we were in a bright resto so, I dunno. Considering what he thinks I did... sleeping with someone, and that I sort of "rubbed" his nose in it by being this person's friend for the last 3 years etc. The hurt/caution factor still applies. If he were only to have realized that this friendship was above board and not as he believes. *sigh*

I'm still not convinced that his feelings will be enough to turn him around. If he's hurt/stubborn/emotionally fearful, I dunno. I just don't know, the "do something" part of me wants to push. I know I can't, but I can't help but feel that after this summer is over, I need to put the "be his best friend into action". SCREW the parasite g/f if she's gone or not... I need to put that part of the plan into action.

Part one of part one though (smile) is to get my own poop together, get over being so emotionally exhausted.... and work on it not knocking the life of me when I see him. Getting stronger myself is a process that needs to be incremental unfortunately. Hope comes at least from my long time friend saying she's seeing the "old me". Even one of my more recent friends has said she's seeing the old me from our old cover-band days. I'm making major effort to insulating myself from the soap opera of the neighborhood. It seems to be working.

Oh lordie, at least I slept in this morning that was kinda nice.
Abbey

[MichelleLT]

Yay for sleeping in!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you still friends with this guy he thinks you had the A with? Being completely honest (obviously it wasn't a PA) do you think there were any elements of an EA?

What I am getting at here, is try and empathize with your H. Find the tiny nugget of truth that you could agree with. Maybe even surprise him by agreeing that you talked to this friend about things you shouldn't have if there is an opportunity to do so in conversation - I bet that would throw him for a loop!

What other actions do you think might undermine your H's assumptions and hurt? Do you think if you cut off contact with the guy it would help your H heal?

Just trying to brainstorm ideas, please don't take this to mean I think you did have an EA or anything.

(((Abbey)))

Don't push. Be patient. Be his best friend if he'll let you.

[Abbey]

No worries about asking about the EA ... cuz the T and I discussed it as well. I mean we were close friends, and I DID park my attention there because the H seemed so unavailable to me when I needed him at times. (He just didn't know how to cope with this person, who wasn't coping well, if you know what I"m saying). So while I feel on one level I did everything "right" by insuring it was platonic, having discussions between to make sure it stays that way etc,... yes, if we ever get to therapy the EA will be what I'd empathize with. I'm pragmatic in what my actions made H feel. Regardless of my intent my philo is at the end of the day if something you do makes a person feel trashed, THAT then becomes the issue and the pressing matter.

H felt that my closeness to the guy was replacing him, no doubt. Yet, he still believes my involvement with him was physical. Before I moved out, I even spoke to him about how he felt unneeded and it would be like an emotional affair type of thing for him to feel... and he just jumped all over that apparently as some sort of admission to "more" without saying so. He's pretty intent on believing and hearing only what he wants to which hin his mind with help from the parasite is that it was physical. The truth and reason and empathy isn't going to get me anywhere unless it's in a controlled enviro.

Never the less, the deal was no contact with either of those folks... give us A CHANCE to try, only he didn't keep up his end of his bargain. I did, but he surely had no intent of doing that. The day I left, they've been tied at the hip. I waited a month before talking to the guy in question and saw him once to say "good bye" for good and to apologize for how befriending me cost him so much. He told me then that the H accused him of trying to help me put us back together because he felt guilty for sleeping with his wife. H is irrational about this. Thus why I'm so convinced I'm so... er... snookered.

It really is a quandary for me... what will and won't undermine his assumptions and hurt. He said before we split something like: "we'll see" when it comes to how much effort I put into being his friend. He's leaving ME for god sakes... and he still feels like he gets to play the "abandoned" boy... I just don't know WHAT is the right thing to do. Not push and space ... or dive in and prove him wrong that I can be the best friends we used to be.

Never mind the parasite's aspect of this... I mean I know I'll just be banging my head against the cement to try to wiggle back into his heart a little... until some of the shine has worn off his new toy, ya know what I mean?

I'm stuck between the spot of it's too soon ... and I better get crackin'. I dunno... I'm not even sure how receptive he'll be if I do try the more friendship thing yet ...the shine HAS to wear off the new toy somewhat. I don't think my emotions can handle a full on competition where I'm as such a disadvantage at the moment.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

It is always better to err on the side of too much time IMHO.

Just keep working on yourself. Let him initiate the contacts unless you need to discuss something like finances. Be the best Abbey you can be. And be patient.

Never mind the parasite's aspect of this... I mean I know I'll just be banging my head against the cement to try to wiggle back into his heart a little... until some of the shine has worn off his new toy, ya know what I mean?

You made me choke on my coffee with this one! That is a hysterical comment, and also a perfect hodgepodge of analogies.

((Abbey))) Hope you are enjoying the rest of your week!

[Abbey]

*snicker*... I've been known to mix metaphors too.

Something odd... seeing him sucks the life out of me. Literally. I just get exhausted after seeing him and just want to sleep. Guess that's depression fighting with the meds or something. I get jittery and it just zapps my energy, and it takes me a day to really recover from it. I'll lay in bed and feel my adrenaline pumping and it won't stop. Strange.

Abbey

[Abbey]

He came to visit the critters and I mentioned I'd like to do the "dinner and movie" thing again one evening. He didn't nix it, but said that work made him busy etc. (Actually I'm beginning to think that the g/f has tried to stop him from seeing me socially). *smirk* ... He's lying to her... that's a good start.

I was cheery about it and said well I know you haven't enjoyed the pool much etc, so lets leave it up in the air and if it rains then we can make a quick arrangement. He nodded and said, yeah, I think once I get finished with the last bits of the gardens finished,... we can do that. We agreed then to do breakfast in the next week or two.

He mentioned August... I figure the parasite has to play mommy to her her 4 kids and husband and do the family vacation thing. I hope it pees rain the entire time. *smile* I figure I'll see more of him then.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

LMAO

You are too funny.

Seeing my H used to drain me. Since I have become more detached, not so much. Also, since I am not walking on eggshells around him, also not so much. As with many things, it gets easier with time.

[Abbey]

I think because we get along it really just zaps the life out of me. I know partially it is because I'm holding my tongue about the stuff I know about his parasite but the fact that we do seem to have moments of "old feelings" however brief they were also wears me out. When I'm not around him, I'm detached fine, it's seeing each other that has me emotionally tapped out.

He was really happy to see the critters and he was emotional about seeing them. We also exchanged 2 text messages since, playful ones.

Baby steps.

I went and bought more Omega 3s and Flax Oil capsules. Good for that extra boost of the brain - in conjunction with my elliptical machine. Want to try to boost the serotonin levels.

I blew off going to the outdoor show last night, but now I have to force myself to go to the one on Tuesday. I've got to start leaving the house in the evening, instead of watching the clock to let myself go to bed after nine pm.

Abbey

[Purple]

Hi Abbey, I haven't read your posts before but I wish I had.

You are so eloquent in describing the exhaustion you feel after dealing with your h. I feel the same way. At the moment I've gone dark grey on h (it's taken me a long time to get the guts to do so) because I just can't win when dealing with him.

I haven't really posted the details as to how I got to this board but the misunderstanding thing with your h really resonates with me also. My h was the one that had the affair yet he is the one pissy with me for not being able to just move forward and be happy again.

H's birthday is on Monday and I have invited him out for dinner on Sunday night along with d7. I'm nervous and not looking forward to it. I hate this acting 'as if' and displaying PMA when he's acting like a sooky little boy and talking in monotone only answering direct questions and just generally being morose and painful to be around.
Are your critters doggies?