OK, now that I've pissed everybody off, here's how my night went. We talked a little bit this morning. I told her about what Ali said, and asked her what she thought. She told me that, yes, she felt like she was under a lot of pressure. I told her I was sorry that I'd put pressure on her, that I'd been trying to do the opposite. I wasn't mad at her, I just felt defeated. I'd thought I'd been doing so much to make things better, and here we were back where we started--both trying to please the other, not knowing what to do, but feeling all this pressure to get it right. There were tears. We talked about what she wants. She told me she has no idea. She told me: "I don't think about things like you do. I don't know what I think about things. I don't know what I feel about things!"
We've talked about this before--that I sit and analyze my thoughts and everyone else's, and she just floats through. Only I don't think she really does; how does life get her so depressed if she's floating through without thinking about it? In any case, I asked her to think about what she wants from me and tell me about it later today when she got the chance. That was as low-pressure as I could manage to be.
Then it was time to take the twins to their camps/classes. I took one to basketball, went to the computer store with the other one to get my wife's laptop (it's been sitting useless for months, so as part of taking charge I took it in and authorized repairs) then got him lunch and dropped him off at his class at noon. Then it was back to the other town to get the first kid, take him to lunch, and then we had a couple of hours to kill before we had to be home. I took him to the bike shop and let him look around while I asked about parts for the baby bike trailer. Then we went to the local bike trail (our town doesn't have one) and took a walk. As we walked, I picked wildflowers and made a bouquet for my wife. When we got home, I put the flowers in a vase with a sticky note that said "No pressure, just flowers."
I was worried that she'd think I was trying to replay the old incident with wildflowers that I told you all about, thus leading to more pressure, but I figured only a coward is afraid to give his woman flowers. She told me she loved them.
Now, here's where it got confusing for me, and I still haven't sorted through it yet. I hope I did the right thing. We talked a little more before dinner, and she told me she still wasn't really sure what she wants. I told her that was OK, but to think about what I'd be doing if the pressure were gone. She got tearful and talked about her feeling that she's lost herself; she had a terrible year at work last year, and she feels like she compromised too much. (In our line of work the school tells you that you have to fight for the students, then they constantly demand cuts in services. Our students are not the average kids.) She says she feels empty. I told her I do get the impression that she thinks that what she thinks doesn't matter, but it does matter to the rest of us. The only thing she thought of that she wanted to change was her weight, so I suggested she come walking with me tomorrow morning. I think it would do us good in a lot of ways to walk together in the early mornings before the twins wake up.
We had dinner and put the baby to bed; the boys had to go to bed early because they were so crazy last night. I sat down to get some work done on my political project. She took a shower, came out in that thin robe and . . . well, she made . . . overtures. Expressions of interest. There were eyebrows involved, along with other parts. It was crystal clear what she wanted. I know I must have looked like a puzzled dog trying to figure out a doorknob. She'd just been telling me about all the pressure I put her under . . . was this real? Was she reacting to more pressure, real or perceived? Did she even know? If she didn't, how could I ever be expected to know? I took a shower, too, and went upstairs.
She was waiting for me. She tried to initiate, but I stopped her and asked whether she was sure and what was going on. She said she couldn't tell me what was going on, but I'd brought her the flowers and listened to her. I told her the flowers were not intended to get her into bed (and they weren't, whatever anyone thinks.) She said that was fine, but now she wanted me. I told her honestly that I was now completely adrift with no idea what the right thing to do might be. That I was worried about how she would feel in the morning--would she decide I had pressured her? That I should have said "no?" There was no way to be sure. I asked her one more time whether she was sure. She said yes. I kissed her and told her I wanted her and we'd deal with tomorrow when it came. She told me if I'd asked one more time, she'd have told me no.
I'll spare you the details, but I'll mention something I know Bagheera will enjoy analyzing. As things progressed, she asked me: "What would you say if I wanted to have WILD sex tonight?" "I'd say yes. What do you have in mind?" "Oh, I don't know." "You can't think of anything?" "Well . . . no. I don't know."
I decided to take that as permission. I took over and took what I wanted. It was on the forceful side. She really seemed to enjoy it, and we had a great time lying together snuggling afterwards, but I couldn't help wondering what she's going to think about it tomorrow.
I know one of the women is going to explain that these are not mixed signals and it's all perfectly clear once you understand how a woman's mind works, but, (and this is the catch) clearly I have no idea at all how a woman's mind works.
