my story adventures of a WAW!

[christarn]

FG..you're great!

So here we go!!

little back story which will come into play. Started dating I was 19 he was 21. My mom died he was there, but only after me begging him to come be there...when the aftermath blew threw he picked me up when I fell. time passes. I go thru school to become an RN, he is my cheerleader and my rock. then my dad gets sick. had rocky points through out relationship; went on a canoe trip found him in a tent with my friend. Eventually worked thru that down fall. my dad diagnosed terminal, i decided i needed a break from him, my cousin and one of my closest friends dies in auto accident, he comes and picks up the pieces, i told him i needed space...time to be with my dad and not think about he and i. a good friend who is male comes into the picture. nothing happened between me and OM, just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. I realize H looking from outside in was hurt....but this OM, no more than a friend....H on the other hand dated a chick(from here on we will refer to her as PIA...pain in the as#!!...which she has been to me since then!!) PIA is H's SIL best friend...oh joy! Moving forward...my dad passes, H comes to services...i released all of my tears on his shoulders....held up the line for over 15 minutes crying, couldn't handle it...again he picked me up when I fell. A few days later, I stopped at his house, we talked agreed to start seeing each other again. He moved in with me at my dads house. a month or so later he purchased our house...sold dad's house...we moved into our farm...PIA thinks it's funny to call at all hours of the night, and play games for the first few months...she finally GAL...christmas we get engaged...life is good.

OCT 23 04...finally happiness in my life...i am in a church for the first time for something great...my wedding, not a funeral...like so many times before. the first year of our M, had it's moments...but it was goooood for the most part...we were happy little campers. We had our little farmstead, we were building on...i used some of my inheritance to add a pool and deck, then our next addition was a huge pole barn....H built everything.

Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday. my sis's b-day was in feb, i threw her a huge party and it was the beginning of the end so to say. H kept running off to "smoke" with other party goers...which I knew he did, he's had the habit since we first started dating....but we had friends at this party who were state troopers, and i just thought/felt every half hour...running to do that was slightly excessive...so i called him out on it...and we had a huge blow up...he walked from the party hall where the party was..to the nearest main road...at least 2 miles, where one of my cousins picked him up. It was crazy, to say the least. During this same time H's sister and BIL were going thru D, his family thought I was having A with BIL....don't think so. H's sis just emotionally cut off the whole family...BIL just needed somebody to talk to...at the time I thought I was being a friend...retrospect...shouldn't have been answering his texts or been so chatty catty with him...if it made the H uncomfortable, it probably wasn't such a good idea. Next upsetting moment is when H and our best friends were going on guy snowmobile trip...H's brother wanted smoke...knowing our friend is a trooper, he knowingly hid smoke on one of the sleds....our friend could have lost his job...it just didn't set right with me. Like I said before, I'm good with smoking a j, but time and place...it makes all the difference. On with the story....so i told you about the big pole barn, well our friend who's a trooper also paints cars for fun...spring of 06, he needed to paint a dump truck and needed somewhere big to paint it. so he used our barn. his wife and I our super close, went to school together, work together, love her like she's my sister...so she came over while he was painting, and we were drinking some beers in the shed...and some of his friends show up...well, then H calls, here's all the commotion, and I'm like yeah we're having the first party in the pole barn. Next thing I know, he hangs up on me....I'm like wtf?? So whatever, everyone goes home, 4am...here vehicle pull in the driveway and come squealing down the lane....it's H....he comes in the house...turns on every light, checks every room...wants to know who i'm screwing and where they are hiding...then he gets a hold of my cell phone...and hides it. He sees some of the texts between me and his BIL...and like i said in retrospect...wrong, wrong, wrong. There was one where I said "little dick(h's nickname...no joke) home from work gotta go" H saw that and went off the deep end....and i didn't mean anything by it. BIL sent some that yes were inappropriate...and I think I responded because I was not getting any type of attention from H...he was gone all of the time...and when he was home, I was either at work or school.

So summer came and went, with many more fights, about stupid stuff. He wanted to buy a boiler, and I didn't. He ended up using all of our savings to buy it...we fought about vacations, I wanted to go to nashville to see some friends...he didn't. So I went without him, he wanted to go up north...so he did. It just became so tiring and old. I finally finished my BSN in sept of 06, and to celebrate I went and spent a week with my aunt in TX just to think and clear my head. I knew then I needed some space from H, but wasn't set on D. I got home after driving 22 hours, at 6am on a saturday, that night, SIL was having cookout and of course PIA was going to be there....well go figure H and I get in a fight, because he was ready to go...and I was working from home, and needed to finish up some stuff, so he left without me. Needless to say, he didn't get home until 4am, I was waiting on the couch, he came in whistling and in a good mood....i just knew something was up. Sure enough, being the super snooper that I am, checked his cell phone, and PIA and him had been calling and texting each-other all night. Come to find out, she even drove him to another party. From then on, I knew we needed some time apart.

that brings me to when I left. I packed and left...done deal. He called, begged, borrowed, pleaded...the typical stuff...and it annoyed me more than anything. We went to MC, it was a jab fest...let's so who can get in the lowest blow against the other one...he still blames me for "leaving him" for OM when my dad was sick....that was huge to him. I kind of get it...but also feel that, we got married and when we decided to walk down the aisle, things from our past shouldn't haunt us anymore. So we set up another MC session...phone bill came...he had been texting/calling PIA...I went to atty...and you know where that lead.

So now that is all the back story, dirty laundry. Time to work. I was a mean angry monster. I know that my expectations of our M were out of line...I expected H to treat me as my father treated me. I wanted him to spoil me, and give me all the things I wanted...and I didn't want to give back in return. We constantly fought about money/finances and my unwillingness to see things any other way but my own. We fought over the dogs, I wanted them inside, he wanted them outside.

FG, I know/realize..what I have to do. Believe me a year and a half on my own, it's made me wake up and see some serious light!! I'm just not sure where H is, in his journey. I know PIA floats in and out of the picture and I'm not sure how that reflects on our sitch, if at all. I know/feel if he really wanted D...he still has atty on retainer...why not move forward? He said in one of our talks last year multiple things...a) i've left him before i will do it again b) he's never been good enough for me c) i've changed and think i'm better than everyone else d) his family thinks/encourages him to not work on M e) brother fell off roof in the fall(07) H wished it would have been him...he had nothing to really live for.."no wife, no kids...it should have been me"

Like I said my mean angry monster days are long gone. I know it would/it will take time for him to see that...but how can he see when he won't give me the chance? We both made mistakes, i'm well aware of mine, and am more than willing to admit them, and change where change needs to be made.

I'm ready to "do work" FG...just need to figure out what H needs/wants/is looking for???

there's my story...?'s...just ask!