Hi Spitfire. I'm hoping it is ok with you that I jump in here with some responsesto this last post. So much to respond to.
The whole issue of abuse in childhood has been a big factor in my R. My partner was physically and emotionally abused throughout childhood. His family life was so dysfunctional that he left home at 15 and enlisted to go to Viet Nam at 17.
I was brought up in a home that was in constant chaos due to my father's alcoholism and emotional abuse, compounded by constant poverty. I was sexualy abused over a period of time by a young friend of the family from approximatly 5 to 7 years old. This family friend would tell me that he was waiting for me to grow up so he could marry me. The sexual abuse occurred in the context of my family and his saying "wasn't it cute that we were "engaged"?. Bizarre, huh?
I also left home very young, shortly after being raped, and then married the first guy that seemed somewhat stable. Over the years, alcoholism became apparent and with that, physical and emotional abuse (I may as well have gone to Viet Nam too).
For years, I was able to feel very safe with my H, and that allowed me to enjoy physical intimacy (very much, in fact) but it was in a very focused way. I felt safe because H obviously loved me, wasn't critical of me, and didn't appear to be someone who would betray and abandon me.
About two years ago, I found evidence of a betrayal (not an A, but an overly intimate email relationship H had with an old high school (female) friend. My reaction was extreme. I began to put together a "pattern" of H's statements and actions that I was convinced meant that H was going to betray and abandon me. I no longer felt safe. I began to shut down physically and emotionally. I began to try to prepare myself for the pain I "knew" was coming.
Sex was no longer something I enjoyed and wouldn't initiate. I don't know if it is the same with your wife, but for me, the switch is either ON or OFF when it comes to being sexual.
In the end, he did betray me. He had a brief A and I did kick him out of the house.
Something stopped us short of going to the next "inevitable" step. The trauma snapped me out of the emotionally shut down state I had been in. H saw by my reactions, and the way I begged him to come back, that I actually did care very much. He didn't go on to do the "cut and run", but we have stayed separated while going to counseling individually and together.
I first started to learn about how I had been affected by childhood wounds through ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). I also have the ability to be fairly self-aware, so I have been working on healing all along. Everytime I think I've dealt with something, something new comes up that I have to work on, so it's a continual process.
My H is just now starting to do this kind of work, and is finding out a lot about himself. As he's having to really look back on his early years, and how they affected him, I can see how painful it is for him to do. Each area that is covered and put into perspective brings a new sense of relief and hope, though.
Recently, my C gave me a couple of books to read. Both are about how children are affected by trauma at each stage of development and how that effect thier relationships in as adults. One of the books (The Struggle For Intamacy) is written specifically for ACOA's, but would also be helpful to anyone who lived through sustained trauma in childhood. The other books (Getting the Love You Want/Keeping the Love You Find)--I thought they would be hokey, but they have been very helpful, especially the second one.
Anyway, I hope that hijacking your thread to tell you some of my story will be somehow helpful in your sitch with your wife.
