I started reading "Codependent No More". My daily meditation book is written by the same author, so I figured I'd follow her trail.
There's alcoholism in both our families. The older generation never dealt with is, the current generation does (in my family). When a family member was in a treatment program, I attended a four day seminar at the center to 'help', be there for support. Little did I know it was a concentrated recovery program. He went through it in 28 days, ours was 4 days.
I learned alot, but didn't let go of the behaviors I had. At the end the counselors gave us their assessment. I was awarded 'codependent'. Thank God, was my thought. At least I'm not an alcoholic! I had been a party girl with minimal boundaries before finding my spouse.
It's so hard not to become overly critical and project like crazy when reading a book like this. Were my spouse and I both codependent.. with our own compulsive behaviors on top of it... workaholic for him and overeating for me?
The first year we were married, he worked 6 days a week, 10 to 16 hours a day building a business with friends. I didn't see him much. I started or had started taking classes to complete a MBA. I returned home one night and he was upset with me. He asked me in a forceful way.. "Do you love me?" I looked at him bewildered. "There.. there's the answer, you don't! Or else you would have said yes right away." I blinked and eventually stammered that he'd had all night to think of that.. and something that was incomprehensible was thrown at me. Of course it would take a second to react. I later dropped out 2/3rds of the way through because of my worrying about his reactions.
So.. I'm learning about codependency. I know I have compulsions... I never drank like some people I knew, but once I hit a certain point there was no off switch. I never was belligerent.. turned more into a kitten... a good drunk. Since my drinking had been a cause of the rape (?) before the wedding, he was hyper-vigilant. If he was drinking, I got to drink. If not, I got the hairy eyeball.
All it took was having one hangover with a little baby to decide that not paying attention to what I drank was a thing of the past. That's when I gradually moved to overeating.. substituting one compulsion for another. I kinda knew I was doing it, knew I was using Ring Dings for love until he had time. Yadda yadda yadda..
This isn't a blame him game. It's probably just going back in the past and 'seeing' patterns through faded memories of decades ago. As always, the bad pops out over the good. All in all we ended up working against each other. I enabled his workaholic behavior, never questioning, rarely disputing the time he spent at work. He'd push me about my time online chatting, saying I was destroying our family. He'd tell me how the kids would worry about the amount of time I'd spend, that I had to sleep to be healthy. I turned a deaf ear. The self esteem I derived from typing was more than I could give up. Yadda yadda..
No matter what happened in the past, the present is what matters. I can be the dog chasing its tail. If I finally catch it.. what have I accomplished? Oops.. got really really dizzy, but I caught it!
All I can do is recognize in ME what needs to be addressed. I don't have to go after myself like a banshee. I should listen to others that I'm too hard on myself. (Put self esteem book on checklist). I so want my kids to be happy, to have full lives. Uh oh.. who isn't happy here.. who's life is completely focused on her children's and with the backwash of their father's action.
Oops.
Back to me. Back to doing and taking pleasure in the mundane. No longer running to pick it poo two blocks ahead to protect anyone who might step off the path in that exact spot. No need to fall on a sword to sacrifice for or 'save' others.
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeling off that wish that he'll wake up and want me, who I was so long ago. Waking up to developing who I am now letting go of the crutches of the past.
I sense you are beginning to feel that you deserve to like yourself and that it is okay not to be there for everyone else that it's okay just to worry about you. The more you become aware of yourself the stronger you become. So keep dusting that dirt off of yourself, one day you will look into the mirror and see yourself for the beautiful butterfly that you are.
one day you will look into the mirror and see yourself for the beautiful butterfly that you are.
That is my hope for you, butterfry.
Any decision on the 4th? Do what feels best. Feel free to change your mind. If you go, don't listen to what people are saying spouse is saying. Not good for the PMA.
Much love to you.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Tonight the kids went to their dad's apartment for the first time. It's been four months since he moved out and in with her. Up until now they did not know where their father lived. It's her place, but it's their home. I wasn't sure if the kids were going to meet her, but something my daughter said and then caught herself saying implied it.
When they got back (it's a 1/2 hour drive), my daughter gushed about the puppy 'they' had. It's 2 1/2 months old and rescued from a puppy mill. The kids mentioned the food, bought prepared from a local store and the dog. Nothing else, nor did I ask questions except to show interest in the dog.
Before they left to see their dad, I took time to let my 18 year old know what a great job he was doing, how tenacious he was in having a relationship with his father. How he made it happen.
So based on my calculations, the visit lasted about an hour. The kids didn't say if they'd be going there again or what the plans were. I didn't ask.
I guess my pushing about him slicing the kids out of his life, or maybe my 18 year old working for a relationship with his dad inspired their dad to share 'the life he wants to live' with his kids. Ya know.. I'm just happy that the kids are getting more time with their father. I've even noticed, I refer to him as 'their dad' now, rather than 'spouse' most of the time.
My brother was talking to me about their dad being a dead end for me; that my energy was better used on myself. He wondered if I relished telling the same story over and over about the last phone call with spouse. He asked me how I handled my anger.
I have to admit, I usually keep it in. There's some overgrown rhododedron bushes that will be cropped tomorrow. I'll apply my constructive destruction methodology with gusto.
So, the message is not about him.. but what I have and will grow to be.
I received the application to volunteer at the hospital today and am down for orientation in mid July. It's the one that they do for doctors and staff, two full days. I figure it's a good way to really learn the ins and outs of the place. I really get a kick out of discovering new things!
My infamous brother suggested I bow out of the BBQ. I know folks will be drinking (and they can drink) and since I won't be, it might get a little tough. More stuff than is needed might come out.. or I may trip and say too much. In the past his family has not been the nicest to me. Perhaps I'll invite my niece to come down this weekend and hang with us instead of going to the fete.
Great job on not gasping when he came home! Let me know how the search goes.
