I am sorry you are in such turmoil your post just ooze anguish, doubt, and confusion. I still don't have a complete grasp what direction you are wanting to go but then none of our sitch's make sense. So if I say something wrong or whatever I will apologize now (sorry)
H sounds controlling. From what I gather at this point you would just like to get to a point of communication actual adult convo and then see about the M. Everytime you try and talk H gets angry & starts rantin and ravin right? Makes you get frustrated tongue tied & flustered question yourself & so on right? This is how he controls he makes you feel guilty for being honest. Has he ever shown remorse for the A's? He figured you were done so had more, and laid that blame on you also. Where is his responsibilty in this?
When H does show alittle change what is it that brings that out in him & what makes it go away? Is it when he sees you being okay on your own? Is it when he sees you talking the way you want to? There seems to be alot of misconceptions, assumption, and conclusions without any basis. You talked about body language how you did something and he took it totally wrong & thought the opposite. Nothing hurts a R more than assumption, take it from me I am the king.
I think you and your C said it best, work on yourselves, go semi-dark on H work on you build up you PMA, go GAL'ing with GF's, spend time with your D. I think IMHO once you are back to being comfortable with yourself, you will be in a better position. You have just as much right to share your feelings and view points in a non threatening manner as H does communication is 90% listening and 5% validating and 5% talking.
