OK Dom, then what IS my plan of action. How can I just say I will no longer do this and this ... I need to know HOW, and tell him HOW.
Well, I think the first and most important thing he is looking for, is that you understand WHAT to change.
So, listing "I will no longer do this", is a very good start.
hopefully, you might be able to tell him specific, recent occurences of how you have already changed a bit. That will help him believe you. Then say that you plan to see a counsellor, to get help and suggestions on how you can best make changes in the other stuff that you recognize about yourself that you dont like.
Quote:
When is a good time to bring up the changes I want to see in HIM?
When he is willing to put work into your marriage. Which will come when he sees that your marriage, is something that is actually worth putting work into. Which will come AFTER he sees that you are serious about the changes that you want to make in yourself, and are successfully doing so to some degree.
Right now, from his perspective, he's got no reason to put work into the marriage, so talking about that with him is a waste of time, and probably counter-productive at the moment.
PS: you should also run whatever "changes" you'd like to see in HIM, past a marriage counsellor first. There's a certain human tendancy to want things from our spouses, that we dont have a right to ask for. Some changes you would want to see, such as "no more dumping stuff on the floor and then complaning about mess.", "no more yelling", are obviously positive. But for any less blatantly clear ones, you should be careful what your goals are.
Last edited by Dom R; 07/02/0807:51 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I respectfully disagree. I think you would be doing your whole family a disservice if you allow your husband to continue to believe that you are the only person who needs to change for the marriage to be better. This argument is proof that his anger and his inablility to control his anger are a problem for the family.
My father was a stern domineering type. He kept all of us in line with his anger, including my mother. He had a heart attack at 69, and the doctors explained to him that he needed to stop sweating the small stuff. And it's all small stuff. He mellowed some after triple bypass surgery, but he still goes nuts over nothing with my mother. He is 87, she is 78 and I don't believe they have gone a day in their 60 years of marriage without at least one blowup. He won't change. He will die the way he is.
Your husband is young and can and should change his behavior.
Despite all his threats, I don't believe he really wants a divorce. I think you should tell him that you have done a lot of research on the subject of marriage and there is help for couples like you. You want to work together with him to improve the marriage for everybody -- especially the children. (If you don't think he will treat the children the way he now treats you, read Bridgestone's thread.) There is a program called Retrouvaille which is a weekend marital retreat where you go and learn about how to communicate with each other without fighting. Get the dates and location from the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org. Tell him you want to go to Retrouvaille, and you are asking him to come with you for the sake of the children. They deserve parents who don't fight like crazy people.
2:30 AM phonecall is ridiculous. You handled it great. He's miserable and really wants to make things work. Life on his own, his new Harley, none of it is making him happy. Hang in there Ms. B!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I think you should tell him that you have done a lot of research on the subject of marriage and there is help for couples like you. You want to work together with him to improve the marriage for everybody -- especially the children. (If you don't think he will treat the children the way he now treats you, read Bridgestone's thread.) There is a program called Retrouvaille which is a weekend marital retreat where you go and learn about how to communicate with each other without fighting. Get the dates and location from the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org.Tell him you want to go to Retrouvaille, and you are asking him to come with you for the sake of the children. They deserve parents who don't fight like crazy people.
ladybug, I think this is an excellent plan. I tend to think you and your husband could talk till the cows come home, till you're both blue in the face, till pigs fly... things are not going to improve until you both learn to effectively communicate. It's a terrible example for the children. You know that and your husband must be aware of it as well. Retro could be the best thing that ever happened to you. I'm sure your husband is a very private man, but he should shelve his pride and need for privacy for the sake of your children.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Oh, the work you do at Retro is completely private. Group experience is just listening to the leaders tell their stories. then you answer questions in writing in your notebook and share it with your spouse, in private. Their is no group interaction. I never knew the stories of the people I went to Retro with, except for chit-chat over meals. There are also no professional therapists at Retro, it is just married couples who have experienced problems in their own lives explaining how they solved their problems. They show you step by step how to do it. But it is up to you to practice on your own in your room.
I've asked him to go to other marriage conferences and he flat out refuses. Saying that I never follow what they say and he's sick of marriage conferences (we've been to 2, and one was a marriage comedy tour).
Same thing with marriage counseling. Why should we go when I won't do that they suggest.
Last edited by ms ladybug; 07/03/0812:22 AM.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I've asked him to go to other marriage conferences and he flat out refuses. Saying that I never follow what they say and he's sick of marriage conferences (we've been to 2, and one was a marriage comedy tour).
Same thing with marriage counseling. Why should we go when I won't do that they suggest.
He has a point. yes?
So... prove to him, that you have changed now, for the better. This can be an opportunity for you.
He asked you for proof. This is an opportunity for you to prove it.
"H, you asked me how you can know that I have changed. Here is a way that you can have proof of that. I know that we have tried marriage weekends in the past... and I did not follow the suggestions from the program. I am truely sorry about that. I should have.
I want the chance to prove that I have a different attitude about our marriage now. If you will go with me to a Retrouville weekend, I promise that I will follow all their suggestions with you. I will even put that in writing for you, if you like.
Please go to the weekend with me, and then see if I keep my word. If I don't, then I deserve your mistrust, and even divorce.
I know that I will follow through with this one, though. I am committed to you, our marriage, and our children, to do this now.
"
`
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I've asked him to go to other marriage conferences and he flat out refuses. Saying that I never follow what they say and he's sick of marriage conferences (we've been to 2, and one was a marriage comedy tour).
Same thing with marriage counseling. Why should we go when I won't do that they suggest.
(((ms b)))
Retro or C are great if your spouse agrees. Of the sitches I follow here in Separated (Lola, Michelle, sawks) none of the WAS's are there yet, and they have the same reasons as your H.
Personally, think when Retro or C happens, you're already in Piecing. So let's get there. We're in this together!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks Jon. I really don't even think he'd want to hear about it yet. I haven't called him yet. I was going to last night, and then fell asleep. Time to swallow my pride and apologize for the arguement. It makes me mad that I have to apologize for REACTING to him pushing my buttons...when I know he will never apologize for pushing those buttons in the first place.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
OK. I just sent him a text message. I know it's not as good as talking to him, but he sleeps during the day, and if I call him before he's supposed to wake up, he'd be mad. Simply said, "want u 2 know that ILY. I want our marriage & I want 2 b a better wife. Tap dancing 4 the state inspection right now. Talk to you later. "
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
