As much as I try not to read, and that is only for the sake of my becoming emotionally overwhelmed, I feel as though I have to.
For me there is much insight to be gained since I have been M'd for 6 years to someone who was traumatized during childhood as you were. The "you will never control me no matter how hard you try" remark is one that I have become accustomed to.
It is just so amazing to me how the two of you have been able to navigate through all these countless twists and turns to arrive where you are today. I am envious for sure. My W may think that she is on a straight path now (or maybe she doesn't think that)that she has brushed me aside. I think the elusive happiness that she has sought will continue to allude her. I do not hope for that, but I feel that her present path will not yield results which are that much different than they have been for her.
The very sad thing is that the child who we were thinking about adopting, and who I consider to be my DD15, is really concerned with why my W has ceased almost all contact with her. In so many ways my DD15 and my W's path in life are very similar. Neglect and abuse were at the core of their respective childhood's. In DD15's case the abuse was on a scale not seen in to many other cases and was over a long period of time. Not to diminish the abuse that my W suffered, because it is all horrific, but her's was a little more acute, I think. In the absence of knowing what to do in the situation with DD15, it seems my W is choosing to just do nothing. It is almost as if she feels that since she herself was able to find her way through life and "make it" (and perhaps that is debatable), that she just figures that DD15 will be fine also. But, with or without W I am on a mission to do everything I possibly can to make DD15's life not just fine but amazing. I surely will never be able to eradicate the wrongs that were done to her but I will dilute there concentration with multiple doses of love, day in and day out.
As I read I ponder, what role have I played? Your journaling and your posting to me has shown me alot I think you know that. I am reminded of a remark my W made to me before she left, maybe I just don't deserve your love. After confronting her dad she has said she is okay with it and he said what she needed to hear, that being 'he did do it and he was so sorry'. Maybe with that being heard she can open up the 'dusty box' and deserve my love.
I am sure as a DAM I have tried to control and manipulate her, to which I humbly regret. She now sees that she was controlling in the sense that no man would ever hurt her again but that she was wrong for doing it to me and understood why I would act the way I did because in her words "she was being mean to me". Just with the words being said melted away years of resentment for me.
You never cease to amaze me with the path of self awareness that you are walking, you are right you are becoming stronger and I will add wiser IMHO because you can sense triggers before they happen and defuse them. Thank you for being willing to learn about yourself and to give such insight of your most personal thoughts and struggles.
Why not start a website that has your wit and wisdom. For a nominal fee, people can ask you specific questions? *innocence personified look*
But, sweet friend.. you have a gift in sharing what's transpired. The message is one of hope, hard work and two people who are not quitters.
I know we've talked about this before.. how many times the left behind spouse was probably a walk away spouse (at least mentally and/or emotionally) at some point in the marriage. Looking back, I know I was but I would never ever leave my children or deny them a complete family.
Keep sharing as long as it helps YOU. You are a dear.
"April '07 I was in therapy, very depressed, & hopeless"
The trouble started long before this. Years maybe.
"May '07 I met OM online, he told me he'd either help me fix my marriage, or I'd find out H wouldn't change, & I'd end up in OM's arms."
Smooth Talker.. he was.. Dark side I see in him.
"June '07 H finds out about OM, puts keylogger software on the computer, puts a voice activated recorder in my bedroom, my car, freezes our bank accounts, & tries to cancel my cell phone."
Right here.. things went to shi*.
Now.. I am going to hold off going thru this.. simply because I see you posting to FB2.
Smartcookie.. good to see you still posting.
I miss our little interactions.
I got tomorrow night free.. No work on Friday.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
You are an amazing woman SC. I hope you continue to post. Us DAM's need to hear what you have to say. Our W do not tell us like you did to you H. We need to beaten over the head many times to understand.
Congratulations for hanging in there and making it work. Could not of happened to a better person.
fb2, I'm currently not on the power trip. I let go of it gradually over the past couple of months. I'm learning how to be assertive, not aggressive, & ask for what I want, instead of hoping he'll know & then getting pissed when he doesn't.
With regards to C, I had been going to her for about a year when H started coming every other week & seeing her on his own. She knew H was spying on me still, yet she continued to ask me questions week after week, knowing I was lying to her, & she kept things from me. IMO at the point that she needed to keep secrets from me, her initial client, she should have declared herself in conflict at also being H's therapist. Professionally, she should have kept me as the client, & helped H find someone else. Betray may be a strong word, but only I know the extent of what I discussed with her. I felt betrayed.
If you all think this is helping, I'll keep going.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
This whole 4 months my Doc/C kept telling me to have a power equal relationship. I wasn't going for it. I was in the power position finally & I liked it. I'd kicked H's ass finally. I wasn't giving it up. H took everything I dished out, & then some. Very few times did he get angry. He finally saw the angry just backfired. He offered empathy, validation, he listened, he asked me to talk to him. He offered to hold me. I didn't want him to touch me. We did a total role reversal. I always had wanted to talk, now I don't. I always wanted him to hold me, now I didn't. He was very confused.
This is exactly where we are now. It feels like a complete reversal - I never want to have any anger about anything - and she's furious even when we talk about something like having never had the chance to take dancing lessons - "I'll never take a dance lesson with you, you stupid F***. You had ten years to figure it out." Like your H, I'm very confused most of the time - though I keep trying to learn more about what she's going through - and how I can be there for her as a friend - and not try to push the R or my presence as her H. I know that my words at time hurt her - and that I imitated some of the abuse she received as a child - at least the verbal/emotional stuff - not the sexual stuff...once, early in our relationship, a week after we had ML, she tried to accuse me of having forced myself on her - it terrified me...stays with me to this day, some eight years later...
There's a saying "when you do the same thing over & over & expect a different result, that's insanity". I searched for years for my happiness. I always thought that another person could provide it for me. I was searching to fill the hole in my soul. It just took me this long to put all the pieces together, to realize with the help of everyone who has touched my life, that the answer to my happiness is within me. When I respect myself, love myself, take care of myself, have appropriate boundaries, and when I refuse to be a doormat for anyone...when I treat others with respect & dignity....I'm happy.
As far as your DD, that breaks my heart. I believe that it's too close to home for your wife. If she hasn't rescued herself, she can't rescue anyone else. Your daily dose of love, seems like the best medicine anyone could hope for. I wish someone like you would have come into my life when I was that age. I moved out at 16, & was on my own. I hope & wish all the best for you & your family.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
remember when I said "when we set out to help someone else, we receive the bigger gift".....
Thank you for letting me "help" you.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I let go of it gradually over the past couple of months. I'm learning how to be assertive, not aggressive, & ask for what I want, instead of hoping he'll know & then getting pissed when he doesn't.