Hi Lan, glad to hear things are peaceful around your house. You learn that there is a lot to be said for "peace"!
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PS Sandi the Meds have done their job, without them W would be in a very serious state, maybe even not with us.
I understand that! I have not had to deal with any depression or other mental problems that so many people do.....but what I did have, I don't want any more. That is why I am still taking Ad meds. I am on a lot of meds due to my Fibromyalgia.....it's just a fact of life for me. However, what I was really refering to was a time that the doctors did not know what was wrong with me but kept adding more prescriptions. The next doctor would say, you are on way too much meds....here, take two more prescriptions! That made no sene to me. Anyway, hon, you know I'm rooting for ya and want you two to be happy and have peace. I'm here when you need me.
Sandi
P.S. I had to laugh at the D walking in on your two love birds. You will have to find a latch for that bedroom door!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I didn't think I was going to have much to post but I thought I should give a little update.
W and I are getting along fine, some little things I do still annoy her but she doesn't use them as excuses to storm out of the house or go to OM, they just annoy her. Example, me not un tangling my clothes before putting them in the linen basket, she said I'm worse than a schoolboy or a teenager. If it ticks her off that much, I will do better.
The decorating in the house is on hold at the moment cos it's more like a renovation project and we are waiting for the builder (one of her uncles) to find the time to fit us in.
Heres the big one. Last night I got dressed up to go out for a drink with work colleges, W commented on the nice shirt I was going to wear, it was actually one I had bought and not one of the many she had chosen for me. Before I left W asked me why I didn't have my wedding ring on, I explained to her that we had this conversation before, and I didn't want to go over it again. W kept pushing and pushing and wanted to know why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. I told her I didn't want to discuss it but if she insisted, the reason was that to me that ring signifies our old marriage which I didn't want to go back to and if she wanted me to wear a wedding ring she could buy me a new one. W denied having this conversation with me and then she said whats the point in celebrating our anniversary in September if I don't wear a ring and what's the point of her wearing her ring. Well because she was pushing on this point a few negative thoughts about her A came into my mind, but I quickly pushed them aside (before I had an attack of turrets). W then asked if I got a new ring could she have one also, I said yes but I wouldn't be buying it. W ended on if I take her to Dubai again (we went it 1999 not likely to go again) she would but me an new ring. I've missed a few bits out but that was the jist of the conversation.
I know I could have handled this differently, but I'm not letting go on this one, I think W can show some commitment and if the rings means that much to her she can buy a new one. Other than that a wedding ring doesn't mean that much to me because having a wedding ring didn't stop her having the A.
This morning W said "about that ring...." And then laughingly stopped, she now knows it's a sore point with me, but in a good way she's treating it lightheartly.
Today my company had a family open day, it gave workers a better chance to try to explain to their families exactly what it is we manufacture, and also enjoy some family fun. W, D6 and I all participated and had a really, really good day.
W has fallen out with me, over something so petty I can't remember it. Well after 2 day of cold shoulder I finally got it out of her.
On Tuesday night we were watching TV news in bed and I asked W something and she told me to shut up, so apparently I snubbed by putting on my earphones and listening to music on my phone. I didn't think any thing of it. Wednesday morning we are talking ok, or so I thought, but looking back I can see she was a bit off with me, when I go to kiss her goodbye she cold shoulders me and totally blanks me when I tried to talked to her. So I'm left all day Wednesday thinking WTF have I done wrong. I phone her to asked what’s wrong, then I told her well look, I'm not sure what the problem is, but take a look at how you're responding to me and where it's putting us. Well she had a rant at me down the phone about my stinking attitude and then slammed the phone down. Remember at this point I haven't a clue what's wrong. I have to admit that put me in an off mood for Wednesday evening so the atmosphere was very frosty.
This morning W is still giving me the cold shoulder, so I phone her later at work at say we need to talk. This evening we kinda have a talk, but her body language is all wrong, she's half turned away from me no eye contact. I said look lets forget who's right or wrong but cant you see that this behaviour is setting s back years. W isn't listening too much but I think she's annoyed cos I'm not seeing it her way. I'm trying to tell her that if I have done something to upset her don't let it fester for day,s say something. Her response was I though you would have felt there was something wrong (if I cold shouldered you).
It really, really feels like we've regressed years, I can see now how my old response would have left us not speaking for days, but now I feel as thought I have to kiss her a$$ until she comes round. I really, really used to think I was the problem, but I don't think so now.
I think I need to start listen to my insticts cos she's got too mad at me too easily.
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
some little things I do still annoy her but she doesn't use them as excuses to storm out of the house or go to OM,
I don't snoop but I trust my instincts
Originally Posted By: fb2
I'm particularly interested to know what happens when she is either yelling in your face or withdrawing over some silly thing. Or what if the OM business starts up again how will you confront it? God forbid there are unforeseen stresses like job loss, illness, etc. how can you ride thru' these with your W the way she is? I know these are tough questions, but you may as well prepare for the worst.
Well, Lan, just remember - this isn't as simple as flipping a switch. Backslides will happen, for both of you. Your job? Recognize that this is normal, and don't freak out. In my experience, the key is for you not to escalate things, particularly when your W tries to turn it up a notch or two. Hang in there and keep your eye on the long view!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Don't think I can take much more of this "Normal stuff".
I mean she can't see the danger points, and the depths she took us to and she certainly wasn't listening to me when I tried to talk to her. All she was interested in was winning the aguement "I'm right and your wrong, you have a bad attitude,and I'll go to any lenghts to prove it".
Rob, it doesn't feel like a backslide it feels like a way of life.
I'm growing weary of her approach to everything.I'm annoyed with myself cos I'm back mid-week drinking and late night snacking from the fridge.
OK,OK,OK I'm back to "hang in there" mode, realign myself do some stuff for me.
Spoke to W on the phone, I managed to keep things lighthearted and friendly, jokey even. She did start out by saying that it was all about me, me, me and I don't see her point of view. I said funny cos that's exactly how I see you, she kinda laughed at that, but I told her we make these assumptions about each other cos we don't talk and discuss things. So I said if there is a problem don't bottle it up say something. I said a few other things but then I had to stop myself cos I said to W that I feel as thought I was lecturing her. She said I was. Again I said this was because you don't talk when we're like this, you clam up. Anyway I said a few more lighthearted things and the conversation ended on a good note.
In the past in thes situations if W ignored me I would ignore her, then I'd escalated it by doing something like ducking out of our trip to see her friends out of town next week and so on and so on. But the I remembered something from Rob which went something like "If I respond differently to situations things will be different". I can't find the exact quote but this is the nearest to it. Quote=Rob
Hi Lan, I know you don't need it from me but I think you are doing great. You have learned so much. Even in your low moments, it is so obvious you have the control of yourself. YOU MAKE things happen and you STOP other things from happening. Do you realise that? K
Lan, While you are doing great I sometimes think you have taken on too much. What would W say if you went to a C, do you think that maybe she'd follow some time later and she would get on a path to change some of her behavior or would it make matters worse? Of course I'm also skeptical about MC as it didn't work with my W but it seems to have done a lot of good for others here.
