Ladey B we are all here for you. the fact you anniverery was so close was one of the triggers of the fight. you ae on eggshells aroud your H and he is looking for a reason to be right, or better yet for you to look wrong. being sepperated with the anniversery right around the corrner, even with the good times you just had, is VERY stressfull.
let him throw the mudd, you plant the flowers in it when hes done. he wants to yell CALMLY agree or disagree. he yells say " i cant discuss this when your yelling lets talk later" he wants to say " Well lter aint coming I dont want to talke to you anymore" well then fine let him take his ball and go home and be a baby, because thats just how hews acting, you cant control a baby during a tantrum can you? you can sooth and taslk softly but sometimes they just have to cry themselve out. give him a little time to do that.
on the flip side he hurts you way to much. Ladey B i know how you feel. I cry every day right now. I have detached a little but all it seem is my wife still blaims me for everything and only calls because she feels down and wants me to feel better, funny thing is I've been down for months but have had no-one ( beside my fellow DB'ers especily you LB) to talke to. Find a friend and vent or come here but get it out. let our words help you heal. because right now the person you want to help you ( your H) donent want to, or is incapable.
Two quotes from you, out of order, but put together, back to back, for some interesting context.
Quote:
Last night, I layed down with my son and I was just praying/thinking about providing the kids with a peaceful, blessed home. Were things don't get thrown, and mom and dad don't yell. What it takes to get there. Mom and dad growing up, or mom and dad divorcing?? I still don't know.
Originally Posted By: ms ladybug
Then, we get in an arguement...over bedtime issues with s2...and it ESCALATES! I mean escalates BIG TIME!...Into you f'n liar, f off you b****...
It takes two, to have an argument. You control you. You have the power, to bring peace to your home.
Lets look at your argument. "it" didnt escalate... One of the two of you escalated it. Who started escalating things?
It's important to truthfully identify who did. YOU have power to change things, either way.
If it is you that escalated, then you have the power to work on yourself, to "not go there" in the future.
If it is him that escalated, then you have the power to look at what happened, and how he potentially "pushed your buttons"... then decide, "That button doenst work any more. The next time he tries to push that button, I'm going to do/say [...] instead..."
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Wow, that's a lot of advice. Lots of people care for you here, ms B!
Bottom line is, in my opinion, this isn't a big deal. It's one argument. It doesn't say very much about your progress. In fact, if things were really that bad, this wouldn't happen. He still cares.
(((Ms B)))
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
H called me last night (early this morning at 2:30am). He wakes me up from a dead sleep, so I'm a little confused and groggy: h: did you make your decision? m: decision? h: Do you want a collaborative divorce or do we each get an attorney? m: I don't know. I'll have to look into that. h: I told you the difference. With a collaborative divorce, we can agree on how to split things, without all the big court/attorney fees. If you choose a collaborative divorce, you have to choose an attorney from the list I have. m: can you email me the list? h: I can give it to you. m: ok thanks. h: I don't get you! Last night you say you don't want a divorce, and now you want the attorney list! m: I don't want a divorce, it just didn't seem like that was one of the options when you asked me which divorce I want! h: I don't trust you. You say you've changed, but you haven't. How am i supposed to know that things will get better. m: I don't know (I know, bad reply, but remember this was 2:30am, I was sound asleep and couldn't think). h: I have to go, call me when you want to talk about it.
He's making my head spin... ------------------ catfan: right or happy...I guess I just think that I can be happy by being right. I think when I feel things escalate...I'll try to remember "right or happy".
Dom: I can honestly say that HE escalated things. Although, I didn't back down either. I need to figure out how to control myself. I need to figure out how to NOT REACT when he starts in. I don't see how 1 person can bring peace to the home. I mean, with the OCD thing, he gets really angry, really quick. I may not even be in the room, but he'll open a drawer that is messy, and end up dumping it all out on the floor, and blame me for it being a mess, and how I obviously don't care about our home, etc...I don't want the kids to see that or be raised around it.
Marcum, thanks for responding. I AM being blamed for EVERYTHING. He has not taken responsibility for ANYTHING and is waiting, watching for me to slip up in my changes so he can justify leaving. I don't want to sound like a kid, but it's not fair.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I take a couple things from this 230 AM phone conversation
1) This is eating him quite a bit...why else call at 2:30 in the morning....it couldn't wait until the morning
2) He doesn't want a D, but he is testing you....it sucks but that is what he is doing. Asking you which attorney you want and then saying he doesn't get you. Sounds like he is wanting to see that you are confident in the R with your actions.
I wouldn't choose anything, if he wants to go with a D, then let him choose. If he asks you which type just reply, I will let you decide, this is not something I want to pursuit. If he asks you to pick an attorney then say, I don't want a D, if you want to push this forward then I am sure whichever attorney you choose will be fine.
I think you are far from done. He probably got a little spooked on how things were progressing
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
h: I don't get you! Last night you say you don't want a divorce, and now you want the attorney list! m: I don't want a divorce, it just didn't seem like that was one of the options when you asked me which divorce I want! h: I don't trust you. You say you've changed, but you haven't. How am i supposed to know that things will get better. m: I don't know (I know, bad reply, but remember this was 2:30am, I was sound asleep and couldn't think). h: I have to go, call me when you want to talk about it.
CALL HIM!!!
And talk about how you DONT want a divorce. and similar topics.
Talk about plans you have for things to get better. Not "I'll try really hard", but *specifics*. Remember, that mem feel better if they have a specific plan of action laid out for them.
Talk about any counselling you may still have planed for yourself.
if you are still interested in it, mention that you'd still like to try retrouville with him, and why.
Any other specific positive actions and plans you can think of.
He's opened a door for you, very wide. Use it, while it is still open. I suggest that you call him as soon as you have collected your thoughts enough to know what you are going to tell him.
Quote:
Marcum, thanks for responding. I AM being blamed for EVERYTHING. He has not taken responsibility for ANYTHING and is waiting, watching for me to slip up in my changes so he can justify leaving. I don't want to sound like a kid, but it's not fair.
yes, you sound like a kid. sorry marriage is not "fair".
But, if you want "fair"... the way he is treating you, IS "fair". He doesnt trust you, based on your past actions and words. That is reasonable and fair. He's waiting for you to do what you usually do. Which WOULD "justify him leaving" (in his values, anyway)
So... take the "fair chance" you've been given, and run with it
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom has given excellent advice as usual. Your H even asked you what you were going to do....he wants to see a plan. "I don't know" wasn't good enough......show him what you got
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
One person cannot fix this. He fights over everything and doesn't fight fair. If you do not get a good counselor or to Retrouvaille your life will go on and on this way. Unless there is change, nothing changes. You cannot do it alone without becoming his servant. A good servant would do everything to please him. But a good servant would also get a paycheck and some free time.
OK Dom, then what IS my plan of action. How can I just say I will no longer do this and this ... I need to know HOW, and tell him HOW.
When is a good time to bring up the changes I want to see in HIM?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
