M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC, So tell us how he got so transformed? It's probably something you did. Most H's would not be able to change like that in a million years without their W's attitude and help. Most LBS H's here were not half as bad and they are not given ANY chance by the WAW to prove themselves. So ndsmhlp's idea of you e-mailing some of these WAW's may not be such a bad idea even it it backfires - what's the worst that can happen if it doesn't work given nothing else has worked with these W's?
Wow, how do I summarize 12 months of rollercoaster rides ? I guess I'll just try to go one thing at a time, & it may be a while but eventually, most of what I did, or asked him to do should be here. This is a scary journey, for me to look back, to remember how bad it was at times.
April '07 I was in therapy, very depressed, & hopeless
May '07 I met OM online, he told me he'd either help me fix my marriage, or I'd find out H wouldn't change, & I'd end up in OM's arms.
June '07 H finds out about OM, puts keylogger software on the computer, puts a voice activated recorder in my bedroom, my car, freezes our bank accounts, & tries to cancel my cell phone. He calls & threatens OM & his family. I told H I hated him, & he'd never touch me again. We had an instant & complete shift of power. H had nothing that I wanted. I was in the yellow pages looking up attorneys.
H was desperate, he had nothing else to lose. He called OM & asked for help, they talked for hours. OM explained me to my H of 17 years. OM explained how the childhood sexual abuse affected me. Why trying to control me is like putting me in jail. OM told H what it must have been like for me to be a small child, held down by an adult man & hurt over & over for years. OM told H that my heart had been in a dusty box in the top of the closet for years, & that I was scared to death to get the box down & open it. OM told H that to me, Love meant Pain.
H called me, told me that he relinquished all control to me. He unfroze the bank accounts, that he would never try to control me again, & that if I wanted to, I could talk to OM.
It was my choice.
June was insane. With the help of my therapist, I finally realized H was verbally & emotionally abusive, he was controlling, domineering, harsh & disconnected completely from any emotion other than anger.
I finally got up the courage to ask him to sign a relationship agreement at my counselor's office. I also joined a verbal abuse website, & started reading about women with identical relationships as mine. Same stories, same words, same phrases, it was frightening.
The Agreement is 6 pages long & basically lists out what you should or should not say or do in a respectful relationship. If someone wants it, I'll post it.
Getting H to recognize that he wasn't the husband that he thought he was, took a long time. H was dying inside. His whole world was shattering. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping. He dropped 15 lbs in 3 weeks. He was in pain. He was facing reality. His eyes were opening, the fog was lifting. He started helping around the house & with the kids.
July was a nightmare. H was scrambling. He wanted OM gone. He thought OM was the wedge between us. H was trying to hurt OM, & intentionally feeding me mis-information so that I'd get angry at OM. More manipulation.
We went on a family vacation & had fight after fight after fight in the stairwell of our hotel. I wanted out so bad, I could scream. It was all manipulation, control, trying to "make" me stay. Exactly opposite of what I needed.
August...we had HUGE fights in August. H was going to MC with me. He was reading the books that I've listed before, but here they are again; I wouldn't talk to him, unless he was reading books. When we were getting along, we'd make love. When he was acting like a controlling idiot, I wouldn't let him touch me. I also told him not to call me honey, sweetie, baby, nothing like that.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship Controlling People The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse Good Husband, Great Marriage Why Does He Do That
He would read those books & identify with the men in them, & it was eating him up inside. He had no idea that he was abusive. He began apologizing, over & over. He begged me to give him a chance. He said he'd take the rest of our lives to make it up to me if I gave him the chance. I kept telling him, don't say it, show me. Just show me. He was never one to bring flowers, but now after every fight, he'd bring flowers. I wouldn't touch them. I wouldn't look at the card. I told him, you can't buy me off with flowers. I want you to bring me flowers to celebrate our love, not because you've messed up & abused me again. With OM's help, I was learning to have a backbone. I was learning to stand up for myself. H hated OM, & wanted him gone.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
September was rough. We were going to MC weekly. I was going to C on my own as well. He was going to C alone. Our C told him that he had to think out of the box with me. That the abuse had changed everything. That if he tried to push, he'd lose me forever. The only way to think about it is what to do so that I would want to stay.
H made a few DAM comments. The one that hurt the most & the longest was "well, if you don't love me within 12 months, I think we should separate". WTF ??? I gave this DAM 17 years to get his f*cking head on straight, & treat me right, & he's going to give me 12 months to fall in love. Whoa !!!! I was FURIOUS. I didn't talk to him for days after that one. Mid September I was supposed to go to Florida with him. He did something stupid a few days before, & I told him to cancel my flight. I didn't want to go anywhere with him. I was sick about missing Florida, but I didn't want to teach him that he could treat me that way & I'd still go with him. The end of September, I went to NY to visit family for 7 glorious days. It was the first time EVER that I'd left H to care for our kids. H & I chatted on yahoo & started having some fun. He was funny on yahoo, & light hearted. On the phone, he always got tensed up & awkward. We started laughing on yahoo. When I came home, we were in our jacuzzi, I looked up at him & for just a split second, I felt a glimmer of affection for him. Then it was gone. But that glimmer kept me hopeful thru the winter. I still hadn't told him I loved him. Since back in May.
October...Our C betrayed me. I left her & found a new one. H continued with her. I wanted him to leave, but I thought it should be his decision. It took me two months to say "I wish you wouldn't go to her, seeing as how I believe she betrayed me". He said, okay, I won't ever go to her again. Hm. I was getting a backbone where my wishbone had been.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
October, I was pulling away from OM gradually. I knew it was time. I was getting stronger. I didn't need him as much for tech support.
November is when I came crashing down. I got a pap result back that was not good, cancer runs in my family on both sides. My breast ultrasound looked bad, & my H gave me an ultimatum. OM or him. I chose OM. I refused to let H or any other man control me ever again. He wanted to push my hand, fine. I chose OM. I asked H to begin looking for an apartment. I'd start looking for a job. We'd tell the kids in a few days.
Two days later, H rescinded the ultimatum.
A few weeks later, I told OM goodbye. That was around Thanksgiving. A week after that, I caught H checking my phone again. That ruined 3 days of our Thanksgiving vacation. He had promised me over & over that he would never spy on me again, then I kept catching him doing it.
I spent the next 4-5 months anxiety stricken, not sleeping, not eating, completely out of my mind that H would go back to the way he was. I watched his every move. His every tone of voice, ever inflection. Every thing. I watched & waited, & watched & waited. Every week in C I cried. I missed OM, I was afraid H would go back to his old self. I was a WRECK.
This whole 4 months my Doc/C kept telling me to have a power equal relationship. I wasn't going for it. I was in the power position finally & I liked it. I'd kicked H's ass finally. I wasn't giving it up. H took everything I dished out, & then some. Very few times did he get angry. He finally saw the angry just backfired. He offered empathy, validation, he listened, he asked me to talk to him. He offered to hold me. I didn't want him to touch me. We did a total role reversal. I always had wanted to talk, now I don't. I always wanted him to hold me, now I didn't. He was very confused.
to be continued
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
wow. I said i wouldn't read these at work no more and you've done me in again SC.
However, I thank you for eveything you are doing on these boards, I feel you should write a book, or a chapter in a book as your experience helps so much to us men, but no doubt would also help a WAW.
Arthur, you're welcome. I do plan to write a book one day. Something encouraging, something about triumph over extreme adversity. Something about not quitting, not giving up. I just need to hook up with a publisher, & find some time.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
A few months ago H & I would talk. He said that before June '07 he was living life in black & white. Now he says he's living life in full HD color. It's a good thing.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"Don't stay angry & bitter at H, if you do, he'll feel defeated twice. When/if H changes, accept the changes. Be open to the idea of opening your heart to him. Don't open your soft & tender heart too soon. Don't let him slide on his behaviors. You're too special & valuable to ever let any man beat you down again. Don't sell yourself out that cheaply. You deserve the best, insist on it".
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC, Keep it coming! In some sense all of us here are verbal/emotional abusers because we often could not sense/empathize/validate our spouse's feelings or got too overwhelmed by them and reacted badly instead of being the bigger person. Esp. us DAMs and your H seems like an extreme case. But give your H a lot of credit too and don't let your "power & control" turn the tables and push him over the edge. What do you mean your C "betrayed" you?
