Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[Bagheera]

This is going to sound defensive, but I've been doing that for 12 years. I really don't think she sees a connection between any non-sexual touching (hugs, pats, light kisses, fingers in the hair, a squeeze on the shoulder or an arm around the waist) and anything to do with sex. I promise you that a lack of this kind of loving touching is not at issue.

Point taken, and early on in this thread, you did mention that you had been practicing non-sexual touch on a regular basis for some time -- I do remember that. It was something that -> I <- stopped doing when I became estranged from my wife, and it was a habit that I had to make myself pick up again when I began making repairs to my relationship. Pardon my projecting!

However, when I, DQ, or Ali state that "seduction begins in the morning" (and not at 10:30 PM), what that really means is: begin building the romantic mood that morning, and refresh it during the day. There is a very fine line here you have to walk between being affectionate and sexual, and where you walk will be different depending upon the woman and the day that you are trying to warm her up. In general, however, start lightly and affectionately, and build from there as opportunities permit and depending upon the feedback you are getting from her.

For example, first thing in the morning, the only change I might make from a 'standard' good morning hug and kiss is that I will make the kiss just a little more lingering. I take just an extra second to enjoy the taste of her, and let her taste my desire for her -- then disengage. It's like striking a piece of steel with flint: all I want is a tiny spark, a "hmmm, he tasted good" thought. Nothing more.

During the day, I'll give her a phone call and see how the day is going for her, remembering that at this time of the day, she's in full-blown mommy-mode, has a list, and is plowing through it. My only goal is to maintain the emotional connection and remind her that I'm thinking about her and actually care about how her day is going.

When I get home in the evening, I might walk in the door with flowers (depending upon what the corner store has on display) -- nothing fancy or expensive: that really isn't necessary. Just something to say "You're special to me." I might give her a somewhat more lingering greeting kiss than the one that morning, but again stop there, and disengage. She's still in mommy-mode, dinner has to be put on the table, homework for school done, and so forth. Strike the flint and steel again, but don't try to make a flame. Additionally, doing all you can to help her finish off her day's to-do list will be appreciated and seen as a romantic gesture (yes, I know you already to this too).

The rest of the evening is pretty variable, depending upon the circumstances, but may involve more of the engage-disengage dance and a few more sparks. I don't, however, ever try to start the flame going until she's done with her stuff and can get out of mommy-mode for the night. In addition, my wife needs some definite decompression time to herself each night, so I make sure she gets that too. I play it all by ear, and take the openings when they come.

It's all a dance, and sometimes it goes well, and sometimes one of us gets our toes stepped on. My wife has this romantic notion that if I love her enough, and understand her well enough, I'll just know what to do and when to do it when it comes to seducing her. But she's also a big girl who knows that real life doesn't work like the fantasy, and that I can be as perplexing to her sometimes as she is to me -- even after 23 years together. So I just do the best I can to read her moods and learn my lessons as I go. There are days when I can leave a dirty note stuck to the bathroom mirror (that she'll find after I leave for work) and she will smile about it and tuck that thought away. There are other days when she will roll her eyes at that note and think something uncomplimentary about the crude banality of men. There is certainly a skill and an art to romancing even a single woman that you know better than anyone else, and in my own newly rediscovered romantic relationship, I've still got the training wheels on.

It's also important to note that at your stage in recovering your SSM, there is still a LOT of sexual tension between you two, which tends to work against you. It puts pressure on her (whether imposed by you on her, or by her on herself), and makes you anxious and 'simmering,' like a shark circling in the water just waiting to snap at an opportunity to make love OR to feel rejected. As The SSM states in Part III, the only way to get what you want is to be patient and not push it. The more relaxed you can BOTH be --before-- anything happens, the better are the chances of something actually happening.

For now you're sort of stuck in the mode of "I'll relax when I make love to her," and she's stuck in the mode of "I'll relax when he stops hounding me about it." Believe me Bear, that's a tangled web that I know all too well, and have only recently broken free of. It takes work and TIME.

You've got her attention, she's read the book (or is looking at it), and she's willing to work with you to solve the issue. So be patient, and GAL, GAL, GAL.

Take care,

Bagheera