Trust me, I wanted to throw my wife out too, but the idea is for them to have a period of time -- say 30-180 days -- in which to see the "new you" living your life out in front of them, and shining a path back to the marriage.
Eventually, if they don't give up their affair, you do have to either throw them out or file for D, to preserve your own sanity and your own self-respect, but by not doing it right away, you give yourself a chance to live the "better you" in front of them, and to have THAT be the last thing they remember as they ponder their life-altering choices.
Big hugs to you and the kids Jeff! I stood in your shoes and I know how it feels. It hurts. As long as my H kept going with the affair I wouldn't allow him in the house. Now we know that he got back in because his name is on the title and everything, but I still made it clear that there is no marriage as long as OW was still in the picture. Once the OW was gone, I was always willing to work on things. I always knew that I had it in me to forgive and trust again. He never was willing to do that and so I am almost divorced.
It will someday hit your W. It hasn't hit my H yet. It will. It may be years from now, but I guarentee that both my H and your W will look at the mess of a life they created and think, "what the hell have I done? I threw away a perfectly good life, a wonderful spouse...everything for what?" Maybe it will happen once the OP has left them.
I just feel your pain, Jeff. I really do. No one wants to throw their spouse out of the home. That wasn't the deal on your wedding day. But you have no choice at this point. God be with you and your kids.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Eventually, if they don't give up their affair, you do have to either throw them out or file for D, to preserve your own sanity and your own self-respect, but by not doing it right away, you give yourself a chance to live the "better you" in front of them, and to have THAT be the last thing they remember as they ponder their life-altering choices.
The better me was always out there for her, when ever she needed something, or wanted me to do something, or need time to herself, or help around the house, I was there for her. I treated her like a queen, when she worked late, I let her sleep in and even brought her breakfest in bed. I gave a 110% always and in everything I could do for her. I was romantic, and giving without any thought of getting anything in return.
I feel while she is agreeable, that I file for D and get my life in order. I'll be able to keep the kids and house, once I have that, I'll feel a little better, more secure about her not being able to flip on me. She is in a state right now that she happy being by herself, I don't want to risk it down the road that she changes her mind, and tries for custody of the kids and house. She is so screwed up in her head right now its time to file.
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Sara: Once the OW was gone, I was always willing to work on things. I always knew that I had it in me to forgive and trust again. He never was willing to do that and so I am almost divorced.
You are a better person than me, I cannot (right now) even think about forgiving her. I don't have a problem forgiving her for the way she feels around the kids, (they drive her insane) its not her fault she is the way she is. I can forgive her for leaving becasue the kids and I will be fine and she doesn't want to be the angry person she was in front of them. There is one decision she made, to hook up with OM that I cannot forgive.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I cannot (right now) even think about forgiving her. I don't have a problem forgiving her for the way she feels around the kids, (they drive her insane) its not her fault she is the way she is. I can forgive her for leaving becasue the kids and I will be fine and she doesn't want to be the angry person she was in front of them. There is one decision she made, to hook up with OM that I cannot forgive.
Jeff, to me both are equally bad. Why can you forgive one thing and not the other. Both seem to be her being her. She seems...like she is broken. Something mental. An obsessive compulsive disorder?
Do you think that it is because you'll get the benefit of having custody of the kids? Just provoking a thought.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Hey H4H, one is probably a obsessive compulsive disorder. I cannot fault her for this. Its how she is, cannot handle chaos I have to forgiver her for this, its not her fault, its the way she is.
The other (involving OM) is a decision she made, a choice, not something like OCD but a choice, and I cannot forgive her for the choice she made.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
W called me today to give me trouble (thats all I get from her) about her buying me stuff I put on the grocery list. I didn't see that she bought me what was on the list so I bought it too, when I looked deeper into the refrigerator I found what was on my list.
I said I was sorry, she said she was buying/doing everything I put on the list immediately, she wanted to make sure I knew she was trying to help me out around the house, her exact words
I asked her to give me her L's number yesterday, I still don't have it, so I'll put that on the list for her to do tomorrow.
She is scared, she told me before she moved out that as long as we were married, I had to pay her health and auto insurance. She is a cake eater, wants to be single and a part-time flexible schedule mom, with benefits. Reality of what she had done and how she has treated me is going to set in on her like a ton of bricks.
FYI: W's mom (MIL) should be coming over to the house Saturday to help me move the kids up to their new room. If W knew she was there, she would hit the roof, I'm sure the kids will tell her on Monday when she reports to work, I'll just say she stopped by (I'm going to get the 3rd degree from W, what did you say, what did you tell her, what did she say, blah, blah, blah )
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Who cares what W thinks, she will be getting everything she deserves. Would you even consider taking her back if she did an about face? I think she has alot of issues that she would need to work on first and of course #1 is ditching the pond scum. What are your thoughts?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think in many cases, the financial realities hit the hardest. Moreso with women, I think, but even Starshyne's idiot husband hasn't got a freaking clue.
During my wife's affair, I found many of her scribblings and chicken scratches whereby she'd lay out a monthly budget of sorts, no doubt post-Puppy/Choc. On one -- the neatest one and the one she looked like she had actually put some THOUGHT into -- all she had was
Rent hair nails food credit card payment botox
Seriously. That's it. No utilities in that lil' love nest she was planning, but by god her face wasn't going to have a wrinkle on it and her nails were gonna look awesome! LMAO!!!
Kat727: Who cares what W thinks, she will be getting everything she deserves. Would you even consider taking her back if she did an about face? I think she has alot of issues that she would need to work on first and of course #1 is ditching the pond scum. What are your thoughts?
Pond scum must go, Pond scum must go, Pond scum must go
You are correct kat, W has a lot of issues. Even if she did a complete about face I don't think I could trust her. She has treated me like a door mate for so long, and I put up with it, I was living with blinders on, because I didn't want to see the dark side of her. Since last December, I've been learning what a crappy messed up person she really is. When W told me she couldn't give me what I wanted, that I deserved someone better, I told her I deserve to be with the person I love. Now I feel she was right, I do deserve someone better than her.
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Puppy, I think in many cases, the financial realities hit the hardest. More so with women, I think, but even Starshyne's idiot husband hasn't got a freaking clue
. They don't have a clue right now, everything is new and exciting, the luster will wear off and bills will continue to come, rain or shine and then as H4H would say WHAMO it will hit them, what did I do, how did I get here, how do I get into this mess. Before the WHAMO hits my W, I want to be as far away from her physically, emotionally and financially. That's why I believe its in my best interest to file D right now.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
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