always gotta hand it to OT to give the good "sexual" suggestions!
Nik, I agree that him being at another job will help. AND I think the timing has everything to do with it. if it had happened earlier when you when he first mentioned it, I think it would have backfired, but right now he's very comfortable and happy with you, and I believe he's ready to move on to this new life of his. I think it is great that he's changing, and it's making a new chapter for his life. Now we just need to pray that his new job proves to be a successful move and that he LOVES it!
Very glad to hear H is safe. I'm concerned for you though, and maybe this is just my personality that I always hesitate on thinking the worst (for ex., if I can't find my child in the dept store, I'm scared, but still giving the benefit of the doubt that nothings wrong and I will find them..and then time will escalate my concerns) But your mention of hyperventilating/shaking about H...I suppose you could have good reason if you couldn't see what actually happened, and if all you knew was him being in a wreck and who knows what that could mean for you until you found out for certain he was alive and well. IDK. Do you think this is a normal/ave response? Perhaps I'm making a bigger deal out of it.???
anyways, you def have to use one of OT's suggestions!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
haha yes OT is great with those suggestions. (Lucky H you have, OT ).
I really hope he's seeing it as a new chapter - sure feels like one to me. And hopefully some of those ideas OT suggested will help both ease the transition, and get him more excited about his new job. Right now the anxiety about leaving the "dream job" for a mechanic is overshadowing any excitement about the new place.
About the accident and my reaction - thanks for your concerns. The "thinking the worst" is something I used to be very bad about (I get it from my Mom). It's something I've worked very hard on to change and I'm MUCH better about it - otherwise I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle the racing thing at all. My reaction being so strong totally has to do with factors specific to that particular incident. Mostly due to not seeing what happened, the guy on the radio telling me incorrect information, and knowing that one of the two turns we couldn't see was the worst possible spot for an incident.
I was anxious but not bad until the radio guy told me "He's in the wall in 10." "In the wall" most places sucks but not a big reason to worry about anything more than H will be upset that his car's damaged. There are certain types of accidents where they call the emergency helicopter immediately, often before the track safety crew even gets to the car - "In the wall in 10" is one of those. Sort of the difference between seeing your H get rear-ended in a parking lot vs. getting a call that your H was hit by a truck on the freeway. I think given those factors my reaction was pretty average / "normal." My major lesson learned was not to listen to the "rumors" on the radio and speculation in the pit area. In my rush to get any possible information I got very bad information and ended up getting WAY more upset than I needed to. Next time, ignore it all until I have definite facts!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
sounds good, and that makes sense. I don't know anything about that sort of thing, so I see you had good reason to worry...but definitely something you can get better at.
Be sure and let us know if you choose any of those ideas or come up with your own for your H's new job!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Well... I am very bummed out about this, but unfortunately the job thing's not going to happen. H kept having doubts about his decision, and his current employer fought hard to keep him. They couldn't offer money, but they've been sending him a lot more work. Basically they are overstaffed and really need some of the mechanics to quit. What they WERE doing was trying to evenly distribute what little work they had. Of course what that leads to is their good mechanics finding other jobs, and then they're stuck with the not so great ones who couldn't find anything. H kept trying to tell them this but it wasn't getting through - until he shook them up by giving his notice.
Between that, and a lot of other factors that the managers there talked to him about (including a guy who came in from his leave with his newborn baby just to talk to H!), it really does make more sense for him to stay. There's more to it that neither of us had totally thought through. I won't get into all the boring details, but staying there truly does look like the better decision. The only reason to leave was lack of work - if they are fixing that problem, it honestly would not be smart for him to leave.
The positive in all this is he was talking about it being better both for him and "us" and "our" future. And I know he's right EXCEPT of course for the OW factor. He really does seem to be cutting ties there, though. I look forward to the day when I'm comfortable enough to talk to him about it/her (or at least, feeling secure enough to have the uncomfortable convo).
He called his (former) new boss as a friend to talk through his doubts (probably not the best person to talk with). He didn't "unaccept" the job, just wanted to talk it through, but then the friend kinda freaked out and offered the job to someone else, then called H back to tell H he was 'off the hook.' Ugh.
The whole convo was interesting. A lot about how he wanted to be "absolutely sure before leaving." Hard NOT to relate that to our sitch even though I know it's a whole different thing. It was a deeper conversation and he shared more with me than he has in literally years (other than the bombs), so that was very good.
He was feeling relieved about the job choice but afraid he'd lost a friend - then friend called just as we were leaving to grab some pizza, and they smoothed everything over. I told him I admire how good he is at those tough conversations (with everyone but me unfortunately but we're working on it!). At the pizza place he talked about more family and emotional type stuff, like seeing a new side of his Dad last weekend at the races. All in all very good in terms of us getting closer, more open, etc.
And I still like OT's ideas - obviously some don't apply anymore, but I still plan to try out #s 2, 4, and 6.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
hmmmmm. well, looks like the decision ended up getting made for him. That usually is a relief...for me anyways.
I haven't gone back to read what 2 4 and 6 are, and before I read what you said, I was going to suggest to do them anyways! well, some of them.... who cares if OW is there, I think getting some kind of sexy pic that he could have in his locker or whatever he has would be cool. Probably wouldn't want to do a whole calendar if you knew other people would be looking (which you know he'd probably show...my H did with one of my pics) or if you didn't mind, then go ahead!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Are you recognizing YOUR positive too, Nikki? I recall you saying something about how H didn't open up or tell you things he thought you'd be upset by because of how you'd react. What you described was a new Nikki and a new H--H told you something you might not like (i.e. he's feeling more comfortable), and you listened, validated, and supported. The more you do this, the closer you move towards the more personal conversations about your M.
Pat yourself on the back. And truly...everything happens for a reason. All will be well. She was just a nasty, gooey bandaid--and not even the brand name kind. Generic. Cheap. Pathetic really.
Honestly...once I grasped the idea that it didn't matter who or where OW was, it got easier. H can cheat at any time, but if I focus on me and my M, it's less likely to happen.
Are you proud of you? I am!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hope everyone had a great 4th - I know I did. I'll post more on that soon.
((((Michelle, ST, SD)))) Thanks!
ST Yes - in a way it got made for him. I think you're right he was a little relieved. The more he's thought about it this week the happier he is with how it worked out, so that's good. I'm not actually sure if he has a locker, but definitely a toolbox (and yes people would definitely see it there but I know he'd probably show them anyway!).
SD Thank you so much! I am definitely recognizing my own positives as well. I was hoping that came through in my posts but it may not have clearly. Yes, I agree that the whole dynamics of the conversation were better on both sides.
LOVE the bandaid analogy, thanks. Not even brand name....
Quote:
H can cheat at any time, but if I focus on me and my M, it's less likely to happen.
I guess this is one thing that I struggle with... I'm sure we all do. I know that this is true but at the same time, I don't really like living with this feeling that "if H isn't happy with the M all the time he's going to cheat on me" - that it's his first response, as opposed to working on things WITH me. I want some kind of reassurances, you know? Knowing that it COULD happen is a little bit different somehow, than knowing it's the most likely "first response" to unhappiness. I dunno if that makes any sense. It'll be something to address down the road a ways, I think.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
).
but I know he'd probably show them anyway!). 
Not even brand name.... 