Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think MLC is itself some distinct entity with some kind of diagnostic features. It's probably a wastebasket that encompasses anyone from depression, bipolar disorder, simply sick of their crappy marriage, to enjoying sex with their partner more than their spouse. I imagine that depression may be part of it fairly frequently. So, maybe meds would help regardless.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think MLC is itself some distinct entity with some kind of diagnostic features. It's probably a wastebasket that encompasses anyone from depression, bipolar disorder, simply sick of their crappy marriage, to enjoying sex with their partner more than their spouse. I imagine that depression may be part of it fairly frequently. So, maybe meds would help regardless.
...........Phoenix...you left out lack of integrity. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Journal - Last night I got home and she was upset. She had a very tough day with S10. She said she had a bit of a meltdown but it ended up being a good thing. She said she spoke to him and explained that she is going through something and needs to work it out and that she knows she hasn't been there for him, but is trying. I'm not sure S10 bought it all as it was a bit heavy for him - but she felt better about the sitch. She told him that she is going to doctors to get help. Not sure what she means by that.
She confided in me about that sitch and then also followed up about Lake George. She asked if she could work around the anniversary party and shorten the trip to a long weekend. She said she would really like to do it and feels we would have a lot of fun. I never really answered as the talk when into the neighbors.
She said she can't trust me because she feels like I am telling everyone about her. This is not true (unless you count this forum!). I told her that trust is my big issue right now. I don't trust the neighbors and never will completely. Not with all I know about their background. I told her that I don't like her talking to them about me - it's none of their biz. She said they are like her family now. I said they are not family to me and will never be treated that way by me or the kids. I actually felt sick to my stomach when she said those words. I then retreated as quickly as possible to get out of this conversation. There is no talking common sense to her so I stop trying.
Here's my dilemma. As long as the neighbors are in the picture I don't think we will ever be able to fix our marriage. She keeps telling me that all I need to do is let my hair down with them. I try but can only take them in small doses. I want to sell the house and get the hell away - she doesn't. Should I just force the issue with all you know at this point. I know many of you thought I should have done that long ago but it is complicated - she is a co-borrower on the mortgage. I also didn't want to disturb the kids as they love their house and school and friends, etc...
At this point I am thinking to ride it out a few more weeks and see what happens when her father approaches her and how her continued therapy sessions go. By the way - she is not going twice a week - just once. At that point - i can make a decision. In the meantime - it seems like she has made a decision to herself to try and get her life back (including with me). She is making an effort to talk to me more and spend time. I just don't trust it. I'm at a loss as it seems I have no options left in terms of a trial sep - she won't leave the house. So it's either go the legal route or stick it out the way it is. When I think what's better for the kids - I think the way we are now is better because they stay in their house and see their parents getting along at the moment. Any thoughts??
And guys, thanks so much for sticking with me in this sitch. It's a very complicated one (as I guess all are), and I certainly haven't made all the right decisions - but my intentions are always the best. Believe me when i tell you that I consider every single word that is posted to me. It has made a difference at the least in the way i feel about myself right now. THANK YOU!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Phoenix - That's a great way of looking at it.I think she exhibits many traits of many different things that I read about. All I know is that I am no where near qualified to figure out exactly what it is. I am encouraged that at the end of the day she feels she can't leave our sitch (no matter how she describes it ie. the "house"). At the end of the day - the house is something we did together.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I told her that I don't like her talking to them about me - it's none of their biz. She said they are like her family now
So, she doesn't like the perception of you talking to family, but is fine with talking about you to her new "family"? Hmmmm...double standard anyone.
Mules, I don't think I'm comfortable anymore with offering much in the way of suggestions. The MLC forum may give you more insightful advice. I know these neighbors are poison to your marriage, but I just don't think it's something you can control. Maybe they have suggestions. Read the book again. Approach this another way. The more you resist this, the harder she fights back against losing this new family. You have to try something else, I just don't know what that may be.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
So, she doesn't like the perception of you talking to family, but is fine with talking about you to her new "family"? Hmmmm...double standard anyone.
Exactly.
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The more you resist this, the harder she fights back against losing this new family. You have to try something else, I just don't know what that may be.
That's what I was thinking - try something different - but what?
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
That's what I was thinking - try something different - but what?
These are the things that came to mind for me (all have negatives) 1) Embrace the neighbors even more fully than she is. Befriend them to an extent where talking about you with your wife isn't any fun. Be their best buddy. Do let your hair down. Initiate hanging with them without your wife even. (downside, now there are two of you doing what your kids hate)
2) Go do something else by yourself or with the kids almost every time the neighbors are around. Don't do it spitefully, just excuse yourself and go do something else that you and the kids enjoy. (downside, she may get even more involved with them, but maybe she'll wonder what you are doing)
3) Try to befriend some other people in the neighborhood. Or host some kind of get together for people from work or other than the neighbors. Or include the neighbors in a larger get together and maybe they'll alienate themselves. Or maybe your wife will find a new couple that interests her. Don't know.
4) Go out more often with your wife and show her your wild side on those occasions. Don't spiral down the tubes with her, but you can try to do it once or twice a week. Show her that she can have fun with you without the crutch of these neighbors.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
1) Embrace the neighbors even more fully than she is. Befriend them to an extent where talking about you with your wife isn't any fun. Be their best buddy. Do let your hair down. Initiate hanging with them without your wife even. (downside, now there are two of you doing what your kids hate)
This is definitely the easiest. I have done it on occasion. It seems to make her happy when I'm around with them - but she gets paranoid that I'm talking about her to them. The kids have told me its ok if I do this, they understand.
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2) Go do something else by yourself or with the kids almost every time the neighbors are around. Don't do it spitefully, just excuse yourself and go do something else that you and the kids enjoy. (downside, she may get even more involved with them, but maybe she'll wonder what you are doing)
I can do this and have done it. I'm at the point where I don't care what she does with them anymore (is that detachment). I'm just so tired of worrying about it. When I have done this - she says we are rude.
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3) Try to befriend some other people in the neighborhood. Or host some kind of get together for people from work or other than the neighbors. Or include the neighbors in a larger get together and maybe they'll alienate themselves. Or maybe your wife will find a new couple that interests her. Don't know.
We have another group of friends that we do things with (they are great people and very normal). My W is in awe of one of the other Ws. She said that is who she wants to be. The thing is, when we do things with them - she makes sure the neighbors are not around. I don't think sh would want this group of friends to meet them. Also, the neighbors have a way of not showing up for things like this. This group have lives and families so it is not as easy to do things on a regular basis with them.
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4) Go out more often with your wife and show her your wild side on those occasions. Don't spiral down the tubes with her, but you can try to do it once or twice a week. Show her that she can have fun with you without the crutch of these neighbors.
I asked her to go out once when I thought she was hinting that she wanted to. She turned me down, so I haven't asked since. I don't think she is ready to go out alone with me yet. Always has to have others involved - how do I break that?? I don't want to come across as pursuing either.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I told her that trust is my big issue right now. I don't trust the neighbors and never will completely. Not with all I know about their background. I told her that I don't like her talking to them about me - it's none of their biz. She said they are like her family now.
God, maybe it's just me, but that just made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
I told her that trust is my big issue right now. I don't trust the neighbors and never will completely. Not with all I know about their background. I told her that I don't like her talking to them about me - it's none of their biz. She said they are like her family now.
God, maybe it's just me, but that just made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Puppy
It made me physically sick last night. I didn't sleep 5 minutes because of it.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
