Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Bridgestone]

P-
What's your goal for the email?

Yeah, I get you about the opening up.. vulnerable.. taking the walls down.

It's very hard to do, especially when the one person you trusted most to hold gently what you share, smashes it.

Hugs to you..
hope you have slept well.


PS.. are you in counseling?

[stella_k]

Hi, Purple!

Thank you for posting on my thread another day.

I've been reading your thread and found a striking line, something I can totally relate to:

Put it this way, I would rather lose him than lose myself again.

It doesn't make a path ahead of you any easier, but it definitely makes it more clear.

How did the e-mailing go?

((((((Hug))))))

[sandi2]

Keeping the peace has always been job #1 for me. I hate hate hate when people are angry regardless if they are angry with me or just angry.

May be JMHO, but I think that some people, and especially those that tend to be abusive, will take advantage of a person like you that hates any type of emotional upset (especially anger). Are you a quite or timid person? If so, that makes it even worse, b/c you probably won't "sound off" back at the one that is angry towards you or you bend way over too far backward in trying to keep everyone happy.....and we all know how impossible that is. You must be very miserable. I can hardly imagine how miserable it would be on a kind and gentle person that cannot handle anger.

I think h feels like I blame him for everything and that I am completely innocent

Why do you feel that way? Is it really b/c you feel you don't communicate that well or is it based on some statements he has made to you?

I may have just realised something. I don't want to open up to him because I will feel exposed.

Well, honey I would too if I thought somebody was going to be verbally abusive and make me feel like crap.

He has tried ot open up to me and i have rejected him so he's licking his wounds.

If that is really true......you know men can't handle any type of rejection from their W. They want us to be their number one cheerleader in all things. But, I have my doubts about it being really that way. I believe it is more that he has made you "think" that he is licking his wounds b/c of your rejection. I have known men like this that can turn things around to make the W think she is the bad guy and he is the one that has been done wrong and lay a guilt trip on her, when all along he has been the one that was bad to her.

The thing is I was trying to protect myself from getting in too deep too quick (again).

Of coure you were. I would think that would be the natural reaction of a person that has been put down and verbally abused......to protect yourself.

If I have your H all wrong, I apologize, but I don't think I do. I've seen men like him in action and I know what they can make a wife believe about themselves and even other people around them.....like family, friends, etc. It is a sort of brainwashing technique.

The writing emails might be the best route to take for now due to the emotional state of things. At least, you can say what you want without him interrupting you.

I am going to visit Cade on his thread. Maybe he could be instrumental in giving you advice.

Take care....please....and be careful.

Sandi

[Purple]

Well I've sent the email. bbl to expound and realise the bits I shouldn't have said....meetings to go to ...yay

[Purple]

Your H sounds very controlling to me. Have I misunderstood that part? It is like he is saying that he doesn't want to give you time to work on yourself and want to hurry this thing along or he has to move on with his life. Do you think it is b/c he can't do without a woman long enough to give you the time you need? Some men can't live without a woman b/c of the high sex drive, ..

Hey Saff, Yes I think he is controlling. However I think I am codependent which can manifest itself as controlling also.

He was hurting so bad back in the beginning, just after the bomb (Oct 06) but his way of self medicating was just not on. I was hurting myself from his behaviour and was confused about what he needed. I wanted to help but he didn't want me to be so involved with everything he did. It would turn into a stupid dance of me pushing, him running and then vice versa.

For ages (most of 2007) I think he felt that he couldn't be alone and seeing as how he believed that I was 'done' (when in fact I needed some time and space to heal and work out how to be me) he went and self medicated with various relationships of varying healthiness.

He would look to me for comfort from time to time (I think) but I was (and still am) crushed by the deception and my perception that I have been betrayed. I couldn't give him that comfort so the slightest bit of anger that came out of me would set him off running and probably just confirming for him that I didn't love him and was going to ...going to...I dunno. ....I think he seriously believed (and believe me I got accused of doing it plenty) that I would go out and seek revenge by sleeping with someone.

He has got a high sex drive. I think I have a low sex drive. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I have to concentrate to *ahem* 'get off'. that is really frustrating for me and I can't just turn it on. It pretty much nearly always eventually does 'turn on' but the effort to get there is oftentimes takes up more emotional energy than I really have.

Maybe you need to see an IC before the two of you going together for MC. That's just my POV for whatever it's worth.

Take care,
Sandi

[

Ohhh...I have seen plenty of ICs. Currently h and I are seeing the same IC and we have been for the most part been having separate sessions with the C except for the last session where the C suggested that we go dark grey on each other (except for dealing with d7 stuff). btw the dark grey was not the C's words, just my way to describe it. h doesn't like this C. I don't mind him though I worry that at about this stage in my therapy with a counsellor I sense that they are starting to get frustrated with me for not standing up for myself. Maybe I'm wrong adn assuming stuff....I dunno.

Thanks for your support Saffie, it's a little confronting to read that other people see my sitch as a bit 'scary'. To be honest, I always feel like I'm overreacting and overly sensitive. I shouldn't let this stuff that h says/does bother me. I have trouble rattling off particular examples of nasty h stuff that gives me the anxiety and stress so does that mean they're not really that bad? Am I overexaggerating things? I think I am.

I did make my bed...I'm sorta trying to lie in it without wrinkling the sheets. I'm pretty close to ripping the sheets off though and messing it all up. Never mind if you don't understand that analogy...I don't understand it either, it just dribbled out through my fingertips.

[Purple]

Purple,

You are doing exactly what you don't want to do....and that is pushing him away. Stop the chase, just listen to what he has to say. He is saying that he is changing...OKAY.... if that is the case...then have you acknowledged those changes. If he has changed, then change with the changes he is demostrating...hope I helped...

Hi Cade, thanks again for dropping in. The email I sent him back today had a fairly long list (about 15 points) of changes that I had noticed about him.

The thing is that I need to work on myself to like myself enough to recognise gut feelings of 'no, I don't want him to stay over' and 'hmm..I want to see my friends tonight' and 'I'm really angry with what he said right now' - instead of having to mull it over for a week before I realise what I want(ed). I can't be his cheerleader too much with these changes...I need/want a chance to vent to get my hurts out there. All my hurts have been explicitly due to him. His hurts are partly due to me (back at around bomb time) but most of them are of his own making.

I'm hoping that this email exchange that has sort of started between me and h can continue. I won't know if it's working unless he emails me back though! I just haven't got enough emotional energy left to deal with him face to face or even over the phone, I need that buffer of time to think about my response adn not jump to conclusions about what he has to say.

I may post the email I wrote later on....I know that h really really hates it when I post on the Internet - he is a very private person - but really, who is going to know exactly who I am. It's not like its a small world. And you know what? Part of me doesn't care and even hopes that h will find this and read it and try to understand that I hurt too.

[Purple]

P-
What's your goal for the email?


PS.. are you in counseling?

Hey B. My goal? Um...wanting to acknowledge his changes but also explain how I feel and why I retreated the other week. I think that's it. There's also a fairly strong undercurrent of wanting to point out the DAM things that he has done. I'm trying not to do that, or at least restrict it to the main issue.

And yes, I am in counselling.

[Purple]

I've been reading your thread and found a striking line, something I can totally relate to:

Put it this way, I would rather lose him than lose myself again.

It doesn't make a path ahead of you any easier, but it definitely makes it more clear.

How did the e-mailing go?

((((((Hug))))))

Haven't heard back from the email yet. Not surprised though. He doesn't sit on email the way I am able to at work. It was fairly long when I finished it. The poor guy. I used to send him reeeeeally long letters when I was at uni and also write loooong letters when I was upset with him. He would never acknowledge or talk to me about these letters. I think it irritated him that I couldn't just spit it out and would have to torture him by reading my ramblings that went all over the place.

I bought Divorce Remedy yesterday. Haven't started it yet becuase I am currently reading "Loving him without losing you" by Beverley Engel. I'm not sure the DR will be able to help me as I'm not wanting my h back unless we have both changed and even then, we might not be right for each other. I think I'm a WAW who started off as a LBS.

I did put that line

I would rather lose him than lose myself again.

into my email to h. I dunno if it was smart or dumb. Time will tell.

[Purple]

Keeping the peace has always been job #1 for me. I hate hate hate when people are angry regardless if they are angry with me or just angry.

May be JMHO, but I think that some people, and especially those that tend to be abusive, will take advantage of a person like you that hates any type of emotional upset (especially anger). Are you a quite or timid person? If so, that makes it even worse, b/c you probably won't "sound off" back at the one that is angry towards you or you bend way over too far backward in trying to keep everyone happy.....and we all know how impossible that is. You must be very miserable. I can hardly imagine how miserable it would be on a kind and gentle person that cannot handle anger.

I'm actually not very quiet at all. I consider myself to be an extrovert. I just hate fighting. I think I'm 'just' majorly codependent in that i "give to get". Ya know, if I'm nice, he'll be nice etc.

It's true though about the anger thing - I don't know how to handle anger, either my own or other peoples. I put this in my email to h.

I think h feels like I blame him for everything and that I am completely innocent

Why do you feel that way? Is it really b/c you feel you don't communicate that well or is it based on some statements he has made to you?

It's both. I don't seem to be able to verbalise the issues I have with him becuase it seems that it always gets turned around to what I've done wrong. Both of us are pretty piss poor at accepting responsibility for causing hurt and apologising effectively. He has also said explicitly that i put all the blame on him.

The thing is I was trying to protect myself from getting in too deep too quick (again).

Of coure you were. I would think that would be the natural reaction of a person that has been put down and verbally abused......to protect yourself.

I'm just not game to pull out the "I believe you have been emotionally abusive to me" topic again. It didn't get me anywhere the first time (Nov 06) and actually precipitated him telling me of his infidelity. Now I feel like I've missed my window of opportunity this time where he was only just starting to understand how much I hurt when I pulled back all the way again and hurt him again. I just can't keep pretending that I trust him and am comfortable in his presence when I am on high alert and paranoid.

If I have your H all wrong, I apologize, but I don't think I do. I've seen men like him in action and I know what they can make a wife believe about themselves and even other people around them.....like family, friends, etc. It is a sort of brainwashing technique.

I really do hope you have him all wrong Sandi. I do. I dont' think he is doing this on purpose but I don't know if I can stick with this marriage if we can't find a better way to communicate safely. I need acknowledgement for a lot of stuff from him.

The writing emails might be the best route to take for now due to the emotional state of things. At least, you can say what you want without him interrupting you.

Or me interrupting him! That's more likely tbh. I definitely feel more relaxed with the email thing. I'm more relaxed now that he has replied (not to my latest email but one I wrote over the other weekend, quoting some stuff from sofaraway) that I think there's a chance he will continue to reply. It would be new behaviour from him, he doesn't write emails, rarely texts, only wants to talk in person. If he rings me I feel like I should be strong enough to say. 'I'm listening but I'm not going to talk right now.'

Thanks for taking the time to post. Either you're a majorly quick thinker and typer or you've got waay too much time on your hands *grin*

[Bridgestone]

hi Purple
so much of what I hear you write sounds a lot like me & my sitch
(except for the OM/OW)

not much to add except I understand. H & I are going back to counseling just for communication skills. Our are horrible. We try to talk through the hurts & what the other needs, but we just seems to 95% of the time shutting down and not getting it said or listened in a way that is productive.

I feel (opps I mean I think) until we can get better at this skill, trying to work through what needs to change, what the old hurts are, etc to improve the R will have to wait.



hugs to you today.