Yesterday was my deposition so bear w/ me as this can get a bit long as I try to recap the day's events.
Things went pretty well for me. My L said he didn't see anything in there that I said that was damaging and also didn't feel like they unearthed anything that could prove to be detrimental to me if we end up going to trial.
The only "embarassing" point was when W's L brought up the fact that during a phase where we weren't having a lot of sex b/c of W's pain w/ Endometriosis, W caught me looking at pornography. I admitted it and basically told them we weren't having sex at the time and my L said it was a basic "so what?" My L also salavated at it a bit as he said "I really hope they try to use that at trial. I really do." That made me feel good. Oh, well. Boys will be boys, right?
The other negative was a stupid mistake on my part b/c I had left the dogs in the car the other day and ran into the store w/ D. We weren't in very long, but someone had called the police while we were inside and thus, I was cited for a "criminal" offense. Naturally W's D is going to try and use this against me and my L told me to try and settle custody right away b/c of this incident. I told him not to and I'd take my chances.
I talked w/my neighbor who is a city cop and he told me the court will look to get this off my record quickly and I may have to do community service at the animal shelter or something. So, it won't end up being as big of a deal as my L had feared and I'm relieved at that. I'm going to be contacting the parenting evaluator and sending him a copy of the police report first before my W's team has an opportunity to do so. I'll be pro-active and hit first and hopefully make a good 1st impression.
NOTE: Let me state this - I love my dogs and this was just plain stupid on my part. Both boys are fine and didn't need any medical attention. I had a lot on my mind in dealing w/ D and her drop off that afternoon that I simply assumed they would be fine b/c they had the windows down where they could put their noses out and I had just given them a drink of water a few minutes ago. Again, I'm sick at the circumstances, but nothing I did was in malice toward the dogs. I just erred in this instance and I'll never go down that road again. I've learned a great deal and quite honestly, I made some bone-headed assumptions under pressure that day. I'm thankful they are fine and this won't ever occur again.
I was completely embarassed and ashamed of my mistake which is why I didn't tell you all about it when it happened. It still makes me cringe to think about it.
Anyway, they also had me discuss my "rage" issues and there were my notes in the margins of books where I used the words "rage" and "raging." I don't have an issue w/ "rage" but I do over-react at times in conflict. The issue of "raging" wasn't broached in therapy at the time my notes were written in the margins of those books, so I told them I agreed w/ W's assessments at the time which is why I labelled my actions as "raging."
Her L also was shocked to hear that some of the "notes" W is presenting as evidence were in fact my notes from an exercise in a self-help book on anger management. He thought they were just my own notes and they didn't carry as much negative weight when he discovered it was an exercise. Let's look at this seriously. Do people w/ real anger and rage problems read self-help books and actually do the exercises? The answer is usually not. That fact clearly wasn't lost on her L.
He also began drilling me about the "demands" I put on W and stated in a letter to her. I had told her when I found out about the affair in November that if she didn't end the affair and agree to go to couples' counseling, I'd be forced to try and seek primary custody of D b/c I didn't want our D to grow up in that type of environment. I stated on the record that I did rescind these "ultimatums" b/c I didn't have the right to control anyone. I also said I couldn't reasonably expect her to end her affair.
Her L was shocked that I said this but I explained that I don't have any right to try and control anyone but myself. I don't have to like her choices, but they are her choices to make. He then asked me if I had any proof of her affair and I told him I no longer do b/c I had shredded the e-mails I had previously printed off. He asked me why I would do that and I said that b/c OM had an affair w/ one of his students things had broken off w/ him and W and I thought they were done. Also on the day after Christmas (when I wrote a heart-felt note to W that she's using as primary evidence) W took me to the mall where she picked out a new wedding ring for us. I explained that she had it sized and had them soldered together and had signed for the work on both so I thought that we were going to make it. Thinking this, I shredded the e-mail copies I had.
I did this for two reasons. One, I wanted to get on the record that OM is a snake and two, W said in her deposition that buying the new ring was my idea and that she never received the ring until after she moved out. The record now reflects that there is proof out there that she was lying about the wedding ring in her deposition. W was ticked off at both references. The look I got after exposing OM's affair w/ the student was priceless.
I know it probably wasn't the best form of DBing, but I really couldn't resist as it was my one opportunity to get things on the record in case my D needs to read the real story. I may have completely ended my chances for DBing w/ W, but I have to focus on what is best for D right now and I just feel D deserves to know the truth.
Anyway, they also tried to attack me w/ squandering finances and they asked a bunch of questions as to where the money was and went. I kept telling them that I've given them all the financial information they needed and it is in their hands as I don't know exactly. W's lawyer was a bit surprised to see that every equity line check was deposited into our joint account and not into my account. They questioned the deposits in my account made after I was served D papers and I told them I'll go home and get the information for them. She has nothing on me financially and she's going to be very, very angry when she comes up empty.
I also found out that the car I'm currently driving (a super sexy 1995 Honda Civic) is not completely my W's as she's previously stated. It turns out that we made over $5000 in payments on her car loan after we were married, so it is in fact partly mine. The value of the car is $1500-$2000, so in the end, I won't have to pay her to keep it, but instead she may have to pay me. That too will be so great as she'll again be extremely ticked.
I ordered up a copy of the deposition so I can have it for D's use later on as needed. Again, I feel pretty good w/ how I was able to represent myself, although my L said some of my answers were too long in the beginning. I'm a talker, I guess. I'll need to work on this before this goes to trial.
So that is it for now. I'm sure more and more will unfold, but of course I'll keep you all in the loop.
