Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

Keeping the peace has always been job #1 for me. I hate hate hate when people are angry regardless if they are angry with me or just angry.

May be JMHO, but I think that some people, and especially those that tend to be abusive, will take advantage of a person like you that hates any type of emotional upset (especially anger). Are you a quite or timid person? If so, that makes it even worse, b/c you probably won't "sound off" back at the one that is angry towards you or you bend way over too far backward in trying to keep everyone happy.....and we all know how impossible that is. You must be very miserable. I can hardly imagine how miserable it would be on a kind and gentle person that cannot handle anger.

I'm actually not very quiet at all. I consider myself to be an extrovert. I just hate fighting. I think I'm 'just' majorly codependent in that i "give to get". Ya know, if I'm nice, he'll be nice etc.

It's true though about the anger thing - I don't know how to handle anger, either my own or other peoples. I put this in my email to h.

I think h feels like I blame him for everything and that I am completely innocent

Why do you feel that way? Is it really b/c you feel you don't communicate that well or is it based on some statements he has made to you?

It's both. I don't seem to be able to verbalise the issues I have with him becuase it seems that it always gets turned around to what I've done wrong. Both of us are pretty piss poor at accepting responsibility for causing hurt and apologising effectively. He has also said explicitly that i put all the blame on him.

The thing is I was trying to protect myself from getting in too deep too quick (again).

Of coure you were. I would think that would be the natural reaction of a person that has been put down and verbally abused......to protect yourself.

I'm just not game to pull out the "I believe you have been emotionally abusive to me" topic again. It didn't get me anywhere the first time (Nov 06) and actually precipitated him telling me of his infidelity. Now I feel like I've missed my window of opportunity this time where he was only just starting to understand how much I hurt when I pulled back all the way again and hurt him again. I just can't keep pretending that I trust him and am comfortable in his presence when I am on high alert and paranoid.

If I have your H all wrong, I apologize, but I don't think I do. I've seen men like him in action and I know what they can make a wife believe about themselves and even other people around them.....like family, friends, etc. It is a sort of brainwashing technique.

I really do hope you have him all wrong Sandi. I do. I dont' think he is doing this on purpose but I don't know if I can stick with this marriage if we can't find a better way to communicate safely. I need acknowledgement for a lot of stuff from him.

The writing emails might be the best route to take for now due to the emotional state of things. At least, you can say what you want without him interrupting you.

Or me interrupting him! That's more likely tbh. I definitely feel more relaxed with the email thing. I'm more relaxed now that he has replied (not to my latest email but one I wrote over the other weekend, quoting some stuff from sofaraway) that I think there's a chance he will continue to reply. It would be new behaviour from him, he doesn't write emails, rarely texts, only wants to talk in person. If he rings me I feel like I should be strong enough to say. 'I'm listening but I'm not going to talk right now.'

Thanks for taking the time to post. Either you're a majorly quick thinker and typer or you've got waay too much time on your hands *grin*