Your H sounds very controlling to me. Have I misunderstood that part? It is like he is saying that he doesn't want to give you time to work on yourself and want to hurry this thing along or he has to move on with his life. Do you think it is b/c he can't do without a woman long enough to give you the time you need? Some men can't live without a woman b/c of the high sex drive, ..
Hey Saff, Yes I think he is controlling. However I think I am codependent which can manifest itself as controlling also.
He was hurting so bad back in the beginning, just after the bomb (Oct 06) but his way of self medicating was just not on. I was hurting myself from his behaviour and was confused about what he needed. I wanted to help but he didn't want me to be so involved with everything he did. It would turn into a stupid dance of me pushing, him running and then vice versa.
For ages (most of 2007) I think he felt that he couldn't be alone and seeing as how he believed that I was 'done' (when in fact I needed some time and space to heal and work out how to be me) he went and self medicated with various relationships of varying healthiness.
He would look to me for comfort from time to time (I think) but I was (and still am) crushed by the deception and my perception that I have been betrayed. I couldn't give him that comfort so the slightest bit of anger that came out of me would set him off running and probably just confirming for him that I didn't love him and was going to ...going to...I dunno. ....I think he seriously believed (and believe me I got accused of doing it plenty) that I would go out and seek revenge by sleeping with someone.
He has got a high sex drive. I think I have a low sex drive. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I have to concentrate to *ahem* 'get off'. that is really frustrating for me and I can't just turn it on. It pretty much nearly always eventually does 'turn on' but the effort to get there is oftentimes takes up more emotional energy than I really have.
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Maybe you need to see an IC before the two of you going together for MC. That's just my POV for whatever it's worth.
Take care, Sandi
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Ohhh...I have seen plenty of ICs. Currently h and I are seeing the same IC and we have been for the most part been having separate sessions with the C except for the last session where the C suggested that we go dark grey on each other (except for dealing with d7 stuff). btw the dark grey was not the C's words, just my way to describe it. h doesn't like this C. I don't mind him though I worry that at about this stage in my therapy with a counsellor I sense that they are starting to get frustrated with me for not standing up for myself. Maybe I'm wrong adn assuming stuff....I dunno.
Thanks for your support Saffie, it's a little confronting to read that other people see my sitch as a bit 'scary'. To be honest, I always feel like I'm overreacting and overly sensitive. I shouldn't let this stuff that h says/does bother me. I have trouble rattling off particular examples of nasty h stuff that gives me the anxiety and stress so does that mean they're not really that bad? Am I overexaggerating things? I think I am.
I did make my bed...I'm sorta trying to lie in it without wrinkling the sheets. I'm pretty close to ripping the sheets off though and messing it all up. Never mind if you don't understand that analogy...I don't understand it either, it just dribbled out through my fingertips.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
