I started reading "Codependent No More". My daily meditation book is written by the same author, so I figured I'd follow her trail.
There's alcoholism in both our families. The older generation never dealt with is, the current generation does (in my family). When a family member was in a treatment program, I attended a four day seminar at the center to 'help', be there for support. Little did I know it was a concentrated recovery program. He went through it in 28 days, ours was 4 days.
I learned alot, but didn't let go of the behaviors I had. At the end the counselors gave us their assessment. I was awarded 'codependent'. Thank God, was my thought. At least I'm not an alcoholic! I had been a party girl with minimal boundaries before finding my spouse.
It's so hard not to become overly critical and project like crazy when reading a book like this. Were my spouse and I both codependent.. with our own compulsive behaviors on top of it... workaholic for him and overeating for me?
The first year we were married, he worked 6 days a week, 10 to 16 hours a day building a business with friends. I didn't see him much. I started or had started taking classes to complete a MBA. I returned home one night and he was upset with me. He asked me in a forceful way.. "Do you love me?" I looked at him bewildered. "There.. there's the answer, you don't! Or else you would have said yes right away." I blinked and eventually stammered that he'd had all night to think of that.. and something that was incomprehensible was thrown at me. Of course it would take a second to react. I later dropped out 2/3rds of the way through because of my worrying about his reactions.
So.. I'm learning about codependency. I know I have compulsions... I never drank like some people I knew, but once I hit a certain point there was no off switch. I never was belligerent.. turned more into a kitten... a good drunk. Since my drinking had been a cause of the rape (?) before the wedding, he was hyper-vigilant. If he was drinking, I got to drink. If not, I got the hairy eyeball.
All it took was having one hangover with a little baby to decide that not paying attention to what I drank was a thing of the past. That's when I gradually moved to overeating.. substituting one compulsion for another. I kinda knew I was doing it, knew I was using Ring Dings for love until he had time. Yadda yadda yadda..
This isn't a blame him game. It's probably just going back in the past and 'seeing' patterns through faded memories of decades ago. As always, the bad pops out over the good. All in all we ended up working against each other. I enabled his workaholic behavior, never questioning, rarely disputing the time he spent at work. He'd push me about my time online chatting, saying I was destroying our family. He'd tell me how the kids would worry about the amount of time I'd spend, that I had to sleep to be healthy. I turned a deaf ear. The self esteem I derived from typing was more than I could give up. Yadda yadda..
No matter what happened in the past, the present is what matters. I can be the dog chasing its tail. If I finally catch it.. what have I accomplished? Oops.. got really really dizzy, but I caught it!
All I can do is recognize in ME what needs to be addressed. I don't have to go after myself like a banshee. I should listen to others that I'm too hard on myself. (Put self esteem book on checklist). I so want my kids to be happy, to have full lives. Uh oh.. who isn't happy here.. who's life is completely focused on her children's and with the backwash of their father's action.
Oops.
Back to me. Back to doing and taking pleasure in the mundane. No longer running to pick it poo two blocks ahead to protect anyone who might step off the path in that exact spot. No need to fall on a sword to sacrifice for or 'save' others.
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeling off that wish that he'll wake up and want me, who I was so long ago. Waking up to developing who I am now letting go of the crutches of the past.
