Trouble on the lake erie shore #3

[TwinDad]

I keep hearing interesting rumors about my W.....this last one revolved around someone thinking about setting me up with someone, and said something ot her....she flipped a lid...and said why are people trying to "whore" my husband out.... LOL.
Interesting, but not reading too much into it...

That is excellent. I think it is ok to read into it.....just don't react to it...play it cool....it should help with the PMA quite a bit.

The first week I was sep. My MIL was talking to my W and said something along the lines of "You know W, Twindad is a pretty good cathc, he has a good job, he is very attentive, he is a great dad, etc....how to you feel about him being with someone else". My W became very silent.

Little things like this gave me a lot of hope

[Neilh23]

right now, that's what i need. dotty gave me a homework assignment that i'm thinking about and need a fresh way to look at..... the thing about me is patience...how i have very little of it when it comes to this sitch.. in other words, i want this to be done NOW...and I want my W and I to be together so i can show her my new found knowledge.....

my assignment is this: I'm a teacher, a coach, and a father to two kids under 4....i have immense patience in all those areas and i tolerate many errors and mess ups.....what do i do in those sitchs that i can apply to my personal life sitch? I could use someone to hit me with some fresh ideas....just throw stuff at me.....

[Neilh23]

i've had a thought...and maybe someone can help me figure it out. It might not make sense right away here either....

throughout the process of our sep agreement, my W referred to me as being married in the future to some c***, and we fought over how much child support, etc. Now, if you look earlier on this thread, she flipped a lid when someone told her that they were going to try and set me up with another person..... She's also said to me that she "just doesn't want to be married right now"

My question/thought is this....Is she afraid that I'll meet someone else and decide to go with them, instead of her, who's caused me all this pain and difficulty?

thoughts?

[Arthur]

Neil - Your W is confused and in as much pain as you are, if not more. She doesn't know what to do for the best all round, just think about it. The pros and cons for staying or going are huge. The more you are showing her that you can be that man she always wanted all along, the more that confusion grows and therefore the pain increases.

I tend to not ask to much about my W's thoughts anymore, I just go read a SC post, get tears in my eyes, say I'll not read again and repeat.

Don't get the general humour I try to put accross in my posts wrong, it's just my way of dealing with things. I was always an optimist and happy person who was always joking and I lost that. This sitch has helped me find that again and I'm happier in myself for it. It was also how I was when I met my W and it has slowly slipped away, but either with my W or without her, I'm happier this way and that is all that matters. I cannot control her and what will be will be etc. Basically, stop worrying about her and be happy being you dude. think of how and what made you happy before your W, when you were younger, what made you happ and try to get that back.

Hope that makes sense

[TwinDad]

I would believe that is probably the case. Also your W has quite the mouth on her......lol (assuming the c*** doesn't stand for chic)

I think a lot of the WAW's are hurt very badly but know deep down that they would like to make their M work because they do love their H's. So they want their safety net (i.e. H still willing to be there for them) while they sort things out.

One thing that helped me through it a little bit was to think of it from a love perspective. At some level your W wanting to sep is an act of love. She could probably see that she was having a very hard time dealing with the sitch leading up to it, probably harboring a fair bit of resentment and in a lot of pain. The result of this pain might have been to cause you hurt or treat you in a way that she didn't want to treat you. She might be viewing it as a having a little break might be what she needs to take a step back, remove some pressure and really look at you and the R. Else with the pressure that was happening and your desire to make things right might have smoothered her to the point that her love for you completely died...basically a very slow death.

On the other side, your act of love is to give her the space, be her friend, show her that you are a strong confident male that has made changes in your life.

This is how it has seemed in my sitch. To be honest with you I am in many respects grateful for the little break. It was very difficult, but it really helped us each appreciate one another more and the importance of our M.

One thing that helped me with my patience, becuase I just wanted to "fix" it as well, was to just assume we will never have another R talk again. It took a lot of pressure off me, not to have to think about what we would talk about and when....it allowed me to just be her friend. This isn't to say it wasn't difficult, but it kept me from setting this expectation that there would be this one "magical" R talk that would resolve all of our differences, and we would put all this mess behind us. Instead working on our friendship has done that in a more gradual way.

[pisces9]

"One thing that helped me through it a little bit was to think of it from a love perspective. At some level your W wanting to sep is an act of love. "

i agree with this- my H even said this to me. he wasnt treating me how i should be treated.

as a former teacher- that did a lot of pateine..even ehwn you wanted to tear your hair out- so what is it that you can do is those sitches when kids are really pushing your buttons?

[TwinDad]

as a former teacher- that did a lot of pateine..even ehwn you wanted to tear your hair out- so what is it that you can do is those sitches when kids are really pushing your buttons?

Can we send our spouses to the principals office?.....lol

I agree, there must be some lessons you can draw from there to help with your patience. I think the difference is the patience with kids in a class room is in an effort to get through the next hour. Patience in an R is to get through the next week/month.

[pisces9]

decade. ha ha

[Neilh23]

Yeah, when she said that, i was like...whoah.

i don't know...it's like a switch that I automatically can turn on and off when it comes to patience with kids at school......i don't even know that i do it sometimes. Most of the time, when I start to lose my patience at school with the kids (usually when I'm lecturing) I just stop talking and look around, stare out the window. The kids get the hint and come back to attention.

dang, self analysis is hard sometimes....LOL

the not worrying about the R talk is something that I have given thought to. Not bringing it up, really, is what i do. I don't know. sometimes i get frustrated with the lack of apparant progress. I read about all these sitchs where just one day it happened the WAW called her H out of the blue.....and i wonder...is that ever going to happen to me?

ok. enough self pity.

[TwinDad]

I read about all these sitchs where just one day it happened the WAW called her H out of the blue.....and i wonder...is that ever going to happen to me?

Neil, read through them again. I do a lot of reading and I see very little of this particularly in a WAW situation. Usually there is some piece meal reconnecting with intermittent pull backs. Start setting goals for yourself and your R. Make up a worklist that would help you meet those goals. I would recommend doing that before this weekend with the kids. That way if a situation arises you might already have aplan to deal with it that could lead to some positive results.

ok. enough self pity

That is why we have this place