Hope4us struggle, part 6

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys. I'm prepared. I know she will try to turn this into it being all about me, but that's not the case in the least. I've been staying here for now because previous to this S16 said he wanted to stay, so even though I've been miserable I've stayed.

I'll tell her I know it's hard on her. I've told her that many times already and told her I'd be here to help her get through it, but she just doesn't want my help. She's so freakin stubborn. It's like if she admits any little bit that she F'd up it would be a crime.

I'm just going to tell her that I understand how hard it is for her and how confused she must be and that's why I think it's best for me and S16 to move while she stays here so she can figure out what she REALLY wants to do. I'm going to say it doesn't mean us moving means I want a divorce. I just want to give her a chance to decide what she wants to do and us being separate will give her the space she needs to do that.

And if she tells me she's trying, I'll tell her I appreciate and can see that she is, but that there are many things that I've learned that would help, but because she's unwilling to listen to me or read any information to try to help her I find myself caring less and less for her each day and I don't want that to happen.

S16 called me a bit ago and said he'd talked to her and asked what she thought and she said "why do you need an answer right now"? He said she then avoided any more talk about it. He said to me "I think we should just move without her".

That about breaks my heart to hear my son be in a position where he'd rather move without his mother than to continue to live in the environment he is with her.

[fightingirish]

yes that is sad, but he sounds like a mature 16 year old, and if she's going to see the light, it will be because of what he says to her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think if she told me she was trying, I'd say something like "I can see that you genuinely believe that you are. But I'm not seeing the efforts that you're apparently trying to convey, so can you tell me more about them, and what I might have missed?"

(((sound of crickets chirping)))

[Hope4us]

That's good Pup. I like that. It's a good way to get across to her that her not letting me know she's not coming home from work and her ignoring me when I tell her goodnight and things like that don't seem to me to be "trying" like she might claim she is.

I'll keep that in mind.

[runningoutoftime]

I don't know if I'd waste too much time talking and arguing about this. And so what if it IS ABOUT YOU??? Aren't you entitled to want some things your way? You work hard, and if you are the main bread winner and this is part of your career path well then you have ALL the right to make this decision.

Of course, don't tell her this. Just tell her this is something about this being something you have to do for work (pass the buck!), and leave it at that.

Don't waste words and aguements on this. Just figure a date, and let the family know when that is. Then you can tell her privately that you want her to come along, but understand that she may feel confused about where she wants to go with her life and if she wants to stay to think over things and figure things out then you understand (even encourage it!). Be nice and emotionally generou.

I wouldn't point out, or blame her, regarding things like her going shopping after work and not calling you. I suspect she may be trying to get you mad so you will react and make it easier for her to keep idolizing OM and wanting to stay and wait for him. Don't give her that satisfaction!

Based on what you've described, I don't think you are in piecing or reconciliation. I think she's still debating the marriage. I wouldn't talk about your relationship with her. I'd be giving LOTS of leash.... and I'd GAL and focus on me.... and concentrate on making myself irresistible to the opposite sex (not just W). Let the darn woman have to WIN YOU over!

[Hope4us]

Thanks ROOT. I totally agree with you on your point about her doing things like she did Monday night as a test to see if I'll get angry or try to "control" her. When she's done things like that to me I just detach further and most of the time it pulls her back in.

Case in point. Since last Sat night when she got kind of sarcastic with me when I asked her if she wanted to go out to eat I've pretty much retreated into a LRT. And lo and behold, last night she's trying to pull me back in. In the past I would fall for it and immediately start responding to her and then she'd pull something again and it's just been this back and forth - I detach, she pulls me back in, I respond, she pulls something to make me angry or she retreats, I detach and it starts over again.

I didn't talk to her last night about the move. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to do it. I was TOO ANGRY and knew if I started the talk I would end up saying some things that I just didn't want to say. So I just pretty much was quiet most of the night. And wouldn't you know it? She starts engaging me in conversations, smiling at me, laughing with me, etc.

I talked to S16 and told him I wasn't going to talk to her about he move for a few days. And he was ok with that. We've got a long weekend coming up and there will be the perfect opportunity for the discussion to happen, so I'm probably going to wait until Fri/Sat for the talk. It will also give her some more time to think about it herself because S16 has been asking her about it and she's been trying to avoid the question. Let her think some and then this weekend I'll bring it up.

I won't be able to pass the buck to work on this one. She knows that IF I wanted to stay for a couple more years, work wouldn't have a problem with it. She knows if we'd get moved RIGHT NOW that it would be at my request. In a year, maybe I could pass it off on the company, but not right now.

And I totally agree we're not in piecing. And that's the hard part on me. Sitting here while she continues to disrespect me while she figures out what she wants to do. And that's why I think the separation would be a good thing. Because if we stay together while she figures it out, I'll end up being the WAS if/when she figures it out. And at this point, I'm not a LBS turned WAS yet, but it's getting close.

Thanks again, I appreciate the advise.

[Hope4us]

Piecing? Not even close.

Last night WW didn't say a word to me. Wait, I take that back. I told her I was going to the bike shop to pick up S19's bike and she said "I thought it wasn't going to be done until Thurs".

That was the extent of her talking to me.

She spent a lot of time outside by herself last night. Came into the bath room this morning again while I was just getting out of the shower. And I must be ready to move on because I didn't even care one way or another.

Going to talk to my boss about the transfer either today or Monday. Going to discuss the move with WW probably tomorrow morning. I'll keep you posted.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

LOCK THE DAMNED BATHROOM DOOR.

[Hope4us]

You crack me up Pup.

Maybe I should clear something up. Our master bath is in the bedroom. The vanity area is separated from the shower/comode by a door but there is no door between the bed area and the vanity area. There's a doorway, but no door. She doesn't come into the shower/comode area, but comes into the bedroom and to the vanity area. So when I get out of the shower, she's not in there, but when I come out of the shower/comode area she's at the vanity. So I'd have to lock the bedroom door, which I won't do because she gets started brushing her teeth and picking her clothes out of the walk in closet that is next to the vanity area.

[Hope4us]

The push and pull dance continues. Last night WW started engaging me some when she got home from work. I told her some info about S19 and his plans this weekend and she said "you talked to him?" Uh...yes...and she seemed a little put off by the fact that he would talk with me but not communicate with her. Oh well, consequences....

So she talked a little bit but then I decided it was time for more GAL activities so I told her I was going out for a while. She actually said "Ok". I was gone for about 3 hours and when I got home she was like a different person. Talking and talking and talking. It's just amazing.

I talked to S16 one last time just to make sure he wanted to move with or without WW and he said "yes, I'm just tired of this crap and want to move to hometown". I told him I'd talk to WW today about it.

We'll see what happens.