Is this what healing feels like ???

[smartcookie]

October, I was pulling away from OM gradually. I knew it was time. I was getting stronger. I didn't need him as much for tech support.

November is when I came crashing down. I got a pap result back that was not good, cancer runs in my family on both sides. My breast ultrasound looked bad, & my H gave me an ultimatum. OM or him. I chose OM. I refused to let H or any other man control me ever again. He wanted to push my hand, fine. I chose OM. I asked H to begin looking for an apartment. I'd start looking for a job. We'd tell the kids in a few days.

Two days later, H rescinded the ultimatum.

A few weeks later, I told OM goodbye. That was around Thanksgiving. A week after that, I caught H checking my phone again. That ruined 3 days of our Thanksgiving vacation. He had promised me over & over that he would never spy on me again, then I kept catching him doing it.

I spent the next 4-5 months anxiety stricken, not sleeping, not eating, completely out of my mind that H would go back to the way he was. I watched his every move. His every tone of voice, ever inflection. Every thing. I watched & waited, & watched & waited. Every week in C I cried. I missed OM, I was afraid H would go back to his old self. I was a WRECK.

This whole 4 months my Doc/C kept telling me to have a power equal relationship. I wasn't going for it. I was in the power position finally & I liked it. I'd kicked H's ass finally. I wasn't giving it up. H took everything I dished out, & then some. Very few times did he get angry. He finally saw the angry just backfired. He offered empathy, validation, he listened, he asked me to talk to him. He offered to hold me. I didn't want him to touch me. We did a total role reversal. I always had wanted to talk, now I don't. I always wanted him to hold me, now I didn't. He was very confused.

to be continued