Is this what healing feels like ???

[smartcookie]

September was rough. We were going to MC weekly. I was going to C on my own as well. He was going to C alone. Our C told him that he had to think out of the box with me. That the abuse had changed everything. That if he tried to push, he'd lose me forever. The only way to think about it is what to do so that I would want to stay.

H made a few DAM comments. The one that hurt the most & the longest was "well, if you don't love me within 12 months, I think we should separate". WTF ??? I gave this DAM 17 years to get his f*cking head on straight, & treat me right, & he's going to give me 12 months to fall in love. Whoa !!!! I was FURIOUS. I didn't talk to him for days after that one. Mid September I was supposed to go to Florida with him. He did something stupid a few days before, & I told him to cancel my flight. I didn't want to go anywhere with him. I was sick about missing Florida, but I didn't want to teach him that he could treat me that way & I'd still go with him. The end of September, I went to NY to visit family for 7 glorious days. It was the first time EVER that I'd left H to care for our kids. H & I chatted on yahoo & started having some fun. He was funny on yahoo, & light hearted. On the phone, he always got tensed up & awkward. We started laughing on yahoo. When I came home, we were in our jacuzzi, I looked up at him & for just a split second, I felt a glimmer of affection for him. Then it was gone. But that glimmer kept me hopeful thru the winter. I still hadn't told him I loved him. Since back in May.

October...Our C betrayed me. I left her & found a new one. H continued with her. I wanted him to leave, but I thought it should be his decision. It took me two months to say "I wish you wouldn't go to her, seeing as how I believe she betrayed me". He said, okay, I won't ever go to her again. Hm. I was getting a backbone where my wishbone had been.