SC, So tell us how he got so transformed? It's probably something you did. Most H's would not be able to change like that in a million years without their W's attitude and help. Most LBS H's here were not half as bad and they are not given ANY chance by the WAW to prove themselves. So ndsmhlp's idea of you e-mailing some of these WAW's may not be such a bad idea even it it backfires - what's the worst that can happen if it doesn't work given nothing else has worked with these W's?
Wow, how do I summarize 12 months of rollercoaster rides ? I guess I'll just try to go one thing at a time, & it may be a while but eventually, most of what I did, or asked him to do should be here. This is a scary journey, for me to look back, to remember how bad it was at times.
April '07 I was in therapy, very depressed, & hopeless
May '07 I met OM online, he told me he'd either help me fix my marriage, or I'd find out H wouldn't change, & I'd end up in OM's arms.
June '07 H finds out about OM, puts keylogger software on the computer, puts a voice activated recorder in my bedroom, my car, freezes our bank accounts, & tries to cancel my cell phone. He calls & threatens OM & his family. I told H I hated him, & he'd never touch me again. We had an instant & complete shift of power. H had nothing that I wanted. I was in the yellow pages looking up attorneys.
H was desperate, he had nothing else to lose. He called OM & asked for help, they talked for hours. OM explained me to my H of 17 years. OM explained how the childhood sexual abuse affected me. Why trying to control me is like putting me in jail. OM told H what it must have been like for me to be a small child, held down by an adult man & hurt over & over for years. OM told H that my heart had been in a dusty box in the top of the closet for years, & that I was scared to death to get the box down & open it. OM told H that to me, Love meant Pain.
H called me, told me that he relinquished all control to me. He unfroze the bank accounts, that he would never try to control me again, & that if I wanted to, I could talk to OM.
It was my choice.
June was insane. With the help of my therapist, I finally realized H was verbally & emotionally abusive, he was controlling, domineering, harsh & disconnected completely from any emotion other than anger.
I finally got up the courage to ask him to sign a relationship agreement at my counselor's office. I also joined a verbal abuse website, & started reading about women with identical relationships as mine. Same stories, same words, same phrases, it was frightening.
The Agreement is 6 pages long & basically lists out what you should or should not say or do in a respectful relationship. If someone wants it, I'll post it.
Getting H to recognize that he wasn't the husband that he thought he was, took a long time. H was dying inside. His whole world was shattering. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping. He dropped 15 lbs in 3 weeks. He was in pain. He was facing reality. His eyes were opening, the fog was lifting. He started helping around the house & with the kids.
July was a nightmare. H was scrambling. He wanted OM gone. He thought OM was the wedge between us. H was trying to hurt OM, & intentionally feeding me mis-information so that I'd get angry at OM. More manipulation.
We went on a family vacation & had fight after fight after fight in the stairwell of our hotel. I wanted out so bad, I could scream. It was all manipulation, control, trying to "make" me stay. Exactly opposite of what I needed.
August...we had HUGE fights in August. H was going to MC with me. He was reading the books that I've listed before, but here they are again; I wouldn't talk to him, unless he was reading books. When we were getting along, we'd make love. When he was acting like a controlling idiot, I wouldn't let him touch me. I also told him not to call me honey, sweetie, baby, nothing like that.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship Controlling People The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse Good Husband, Great Marriage Why Does He Do That
He would read those books & identify with the men in them, & it was eating him up inside. He had no idea that he was abusive. He began apologizing, over & over. He begged me to give him a chance. He said he'd take the rest of our lives to make it up to me if I gave him the chance. I kept telling him, don't say it, show me. Just show me. He was never one to bring flowers, but now after every fight, he'd bring flowers. I wouldn't touch them. I wouldn't look at the card. I told him, you can't buy me off with flowers. I want you to bring me flowers to celebrate our love, not because you've messed up & abused me again. With OM's help, I was learning to have a backbone. I was learning to stand up for myself. H hated OM, & wanted him gone.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
