Our D10 slept over a friends house today. That left nobody at home and my W and I alone. Well, she decided to work then to spend some time with me.
This evening I had a nice dinner alone. My W didn't have to work, but when they called her in she jumped at the opportunity. Tuesday's night is the night we agreed I can go out and my W will stay home to watch D10. I don't know how may times I stayed home so she could go to work to make a few extra dollars. I told my W I thought she would have stayed home instead of going out. She yelled at me and said she wasn't a mind reader.
You know your stitch, you know the books and the principals, why don't you come up with 2 small things to change and 1 big thing. And see what happens.
Your name is Fixer, go...fix...something.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's been a while since I've journalled what's been going on.
Things are the same not much has changed. My W won't give me a kiss but now our hugs are longer. I did what Michelle suggested I asked. I asked for longer hugs I tried my best to not seem needy. How did I get them. I asked for more to get less.
My W and I discussed how our M wasn't doing so hot. I told her that not getting a kiss was a deal breaker for our M and I wouldn't be around since nothing has changed. Her twitching leg revealed that she was nervious of what might happen. She told me how she wasn't ready for a kiss and I could tell she wasn't ready.
I asked her if our hugs could be longer. At least a minute instead of the quick hugs. Sometimes she runs out and we I'll get a quick hug, but for the most we hug for a few minutes. When we hug I can hear her breath move faster and feel her body tense. Sometimes she relaxes and I can feel her heart strongly beat while her breathing slows down.
Today, she was too tired to get up for a hug. I bent down and we hugged. For a moment she rubbed my back. For a moment I wanted to say something about us, but kept quiet.
Living so long with someone who doesn't LY shows how much they really do. When we fight I let her know that she can ask for a divorce and I'll be okay with it. Her only response is "I only said that so that I can come out looking like the good guy". My only answer is I'll tell everyone "it just didn't work out".
For now I'm still M. My D10 is with me and thinks I'm okay. I'm there to teach her about God and to be a good example. Our F's know what's going on and they can't believe we're still together.
I'm sure M&M are growing up fast. Don't blink b/c there's so much you need to teach them in such a long time. Knowing you, you may learn something from them.
Still my stich isn't much better. We look for a positives and I have one that I'mm trying to develop.
Depending on our schedule my W will give me a hug before I go to work. She doesn't talk about whats bothering her but when she's drunk she may open up a tiny bit. Unfortunately, I don't know when she's ready to open up. The most I can do is listen and hope she can appreciate that much. When does talk its all how life is so unfair for her. How her life didn't turn out the way she wanted it to.
Today I felt so depressed. So much I couldn't do anything. When I came home and W was ready to leave for work I sat outside on the stairs and gazed out at the sky. I got a quick hug (after all the neighbors might see) and she shot off to work.
