FaithfulH, thanks. It is amazing the amount of strength standing takes, especially after 19 months.
Well I just have to journal a bit tonight, for whatever reason the last few days I could tell I was slowly sliding downhill. But I realize it's because we've had no contact with each other. I wasn't expecting any contact nor was I expecting this reaction. I thought I was well past this type of reaction, well past like many, many, many months past it. But I realize over the weekend there have been a number of things that brought back old memories, old feelings, etc and there was a real sense of sorrow. I miss all the great things a marriage has, the chitchat, the laughter, the simple touches, the knowledge that someone is there, someone cares, the companionship, all that stuff.
So between being at the beach with our best friends who we had vacationed with, own a beach house with, socialized with, worked with and who were family AND several friends who now are in deep loving relationships...bummer. Probably the hardest thing to deal with is most of my single friends now have significant others, I'm the lone 'single'. I don't view myself as single but I am now the 5th wheel when we are all together and that really makes me feel uncomfortable.
Back to our best friends, we were going to do the 4th at the beach like we have done for so many years. They backed out and are headed to the mountains. That means it's just me and the girls at the beach. The girls won't have any friends to play with, I won't have any either. It sounds like the makings of some lonely times for us.
Last year on the 4th my wife joined D10, me and our best friends at the beach. D11 was at camp and I can tell you lying on the blanket with D10 between us hold each of our hands, watching the fireworks was one of the best days ever. Even my wife commented on it. We ended up fighting the next day, I started it because I was upset that when we were on the beach she would just sit and read and not interact with me. I just wanted a bit of conversation not silence. She thought we were having a fabulous day until the fight.
So here I sit thinking and wondering if that was another of those big turning points. She left the next day and while at home joined meetup and a few other groups. I successfully drove the spike deeper that day after it was slowly being removed. She got a bit more distant the rest of the summer only in the fall did she warm back up. But that too changed after the sep agreement got signed on her birthday in January. It's been a slow decline since.
Maybe it is time to toss in the towel. 19 months is a long time and I guess such a long time can make any thread of love that was there just erode away too. But I know there are a few threads left in me and I'm not sure it's worth it if there aren't any left in her. I feel like all I am doing now is denying the truth. Yet I still have love in my heart and that makes this all the so more difficult.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
