Mixed Signals - version ? who's counting

[catfan]

Well it's been an interesting few days, a few days that have been up and down. Yes the roller coaster can be alive and well 19 months later.

Yesterday my wife sent an email to me and the other co-owners of the beach house telling us that her step sister and family want to use the beach house for 10 days in July. My wife wanted to make sure everyone was ok with the dates. But the tone of the email was, 'here are the dates, the assumption is its fine.' Well for me it wasn't fine. First the short notice, 3 weeks, second it was my week with the girls which means I get the house that week, third I was planning on using it that weekend and fourth I have a standing invitation to a buddy to have his kids down with us then. So I prepared an email response but decided to sit on it for a while.

In the end I realized the email just wasn't going to work. No matter how I wrote it, it came across negatively. So I decided on a different tact. I called her on her mobile knowing I'd get her voicemail. In a cheerful happy mood I left a message that there was something I wanted to talk with her about.

Well about an hour later she called back as she was driving home. I told her that I was concerned, actually a little worried about something. That recently there had been a number of things that have made me take pause and wonder what's going on because these things are very out of character. The things are from my impression very inconsiderate but as I thought about them I didn't think they were things that were being done on purpose. So I am a little worried and concerned about her. (I gave a few examples in this as well.)

Her reply, an apology then something very nice, she opened up, she started talking. The first thing she said, "I need a personal assistant. I can't get everything done that needs to be done. I'm barely keep it all above water." BINGO I have confirmation on something that I have suspected all along but she's previously denied. She went on to briefly mention the stress of everything, work and "all." She admitted that she didn't have all the details worked out for her and the girls trip to Australia. She apologized for not having them and for not getting them to me. She went on to specifically apologize for several other things, some that I had mentioned, some that I hadn't.

Then she brought up work again and the stress there. She said "You know me, I'm too stubborn to quit, I have too much invested in it." My reply, "Yes I know all about that feeling. But that's a conversation for another time." Yes, I was referring to my stand about our marriage and I think she knew what I meant. But I wasn't going to let this go to a full relationship discussion. I was going to keep it simply as me, a friend concerned for my friend.

I then asked her, "is there anything you are concerned about that you want to ask me?" No not really. I then asked "is there anything you want to ask me or would like to know?" She then asked me about my job. I was completely honest with her about my feeling about this job. I've been there 7 months and LOVE it, love the organization, my co-workers, what I do, everything. As I told my boss I feel like my career found a home, it's a place I know I can stay and retire. (Yikes that just a short 23 years away!) I also told it was that job I had been looking for that would let me be successful, let me provide for my family, it is the job I'd been looking for, for a long time. She was quiet for a moment or two then told me "I'm glad, I'm glad you've found it. I'm happy for you."

We talked a bit more about lesser things but I have to say this was one of the best talks we have had in a LONG, LONG time. There's something else too, I walked away from this conversation thinking/knowing that yes she does love me. Even if we end up divorced I know there are positive feelings between us. I know it sounds strange but there's a bit of peace in the comfort of knowing she's not full of bitterness, anger, resentment and such means. It means the fond memories I do have aren't an illusion, that we did have a lot of wonderful time together. It also means to me that even if she can't ever get to reconciliation that my stand has been a good thing for us all. It kept the positives up front, diminished the negatives and let fond memories and feelings be our memories.

[AmyC]

That's a very good post, catfan.

It demonstrates perfectly the possible evolution of the stand.
That even if we may not get what we think we want, if we are open to it, we often do get what we need; personal growth, insight into ourselves and our spouse, depth and understanding about life and love that we wouldn't otherwise have gained.

Thanks for the reminder.

[cat03]

sometimes a call is the best thing to do, a simple honest non-accusatory call to clear the water, I'm glad you two had a good convo.
I'm glad to hear that you are finding peace regardless of the final outcome catfan, you are great guy.

[catfan]

A continuation of the Friday call where my wife told me about a potential personnel problem in Australia which was one of her big stressors. Sadly my wife had to let her right hand employee in AU go over the weekend. This spiraled to a point she had to cancel her trip to AU with the girls that was supposed to begin the 29th. Because of the personnel issues and office fiasco she flew to AU on Tuesday and returns next Wednesday.

We talked a number of times over the weekend and Monday about the schedule and such. She has been really stressed by all the recent events and having to change plans so drastically. She also told me she was angry about how this employee failed to see her actions would impact a lot of people in the office, in the company and outside of both. So in the interest of doing the right thing, I changed my plans for this weekend and the 4th. This means the girls are with me this week and next too. I also agreed to take the dog since she was having trouble finding housing for the dog on short notice.(Yes I love her dog and the dog loves me.) In all of this, if I have heard "thank you" once I've heard it dozens of times. She really appreciates my flexibility and willingness to step-in.

I took this as an opportunity to talk with the girls about "doing the right thing." Sure I could have told her no a number of times and been within my rights given we are now "living separate and apart." But would saying no really been the right thing to do? I don't think so. The girls really understand how I've had to change all of my plans to accommodate my wife's change and how being flexible has been a positive for all involved. They also observed keenly, "well if you weren't nice there'd be no chance Mommy would want to get back together." True, very true and I told them that hadn't entered my mind(and it hadn't), it wasn't a reason for me to do the right thing. But they were right, if I were not nice of helpful about all of this, it definitely wouldn't help matters. I also told them its things like that which can't be considered because it means I would be trying to manipulate things for me to get what I want and that's selfish and not very nice either. In the end they are glad I was flexible because we get more time together and as D11 put it, "Mrs. Catfan's dog gets to be with us too and she LOVES you Daddy." (It's true, the dog gets extremely excited when she sees me. She doesn't do this when she sees other people. I love this silly dog!)

So here's something that is really bothering me. I'm a member of a local divorce/separation support group. Several of my very good friends in the group have criticized me over being so flexible. I've had a few other non-divorce friends do the same. It's really bothering me and honestly alienated me a bit. What is so wrong in being flexible with my wife who by all accounts has really shown lesser concern for me and greater and greater distance between us? Sure a lot of her actions seem to say she no longer views me as her husband and views us as truly not married. But dang our kids are involved in this situation and being positive and flexible now makes everything a lot easier on all of us even if it means we end up divorced? I mean come on if I wasn't cooperative what would have been gained? All I see by being uncooperative was a reintroduction of resentment, bitterness, anger and all those other negative feelings. Don't need that!

[cat03]

I've learned tons on the co-parenting book for S people. It's a win-win sitch when one is flexible, the kids win, and if you need some flexibility some other time then she'll most likely cooperate. We are not doing this because our spouses are outstanding citizens or because what they've done hasn't hurt us, we do it because the ultimate goal is to keep the children happy. I've learned the kids are mostly traumatized not by the S itself but by the way parents treat each other, if they see resentment and anger they are caught in the middle and might even blame themselves.

If I go a bit out of my way to accomodate stbx is not because he wasn't a complete douche bag with me or a freaking liar, it is because he actually is stepping up and thinking of the kids (sure I'd wish he'd done this sooner, but..). It is what it is, and if going a big out of my way will mean the kids will do better and have more fun, then I'll gladly let it happen.

[catfan]

Cat that's exactly how I see it. If I'm not cooperative then first I can expect the same treatment back, second the girls are the ones that will suffer the most and third it just reinforces negative feelings. None of us can have our wounds healed if we allow negativity to continue.

Hey and if it does go on to help her see how great a man I am, that I'm "the man", that I have changed and our marriage is worth working on with all her might then that's the super bonus prize for all of us.

Now to get other people to really see and understand this logic. It seems so simple to me but I guess for some it isn't so cut and dry.

[cat03]

perhaps others are too hurt by their WAS and think they "deserve" some poor treatment, or are not even able to deal with the kids stuff in a decent manner because their Ss are being very difficult-- maybe that's why they feel you are giving her too much.

[FaithfulH]

Now to get other people to really see and understand this logic. It seems so simple to me but I guess for some it isn't so cut and dry.

Catfan,

Haven't been around DB much and when I do stop in I am usually checking on the "Newcomers". I just caught up with your sitch and I have to say that you sound like you are in a very good place. I believe you summed up the benefits of standing in your recent recaps that highlight your love for your wife. Brother, you know that you are standing for a higher principle than the sometimes selfish or manipulative approach that some take and then give up when things don't go their way. Laying aside your pain...your hurt...your anger...even your needs...for the one you love is TRULY unconditional love. I applaud your stand...your strength! It is funny how the "world" sees this as weakness....when it takes a miraculous amount of strength to pull off. Your girls are benefiting greatly from this....and your W is as well...I know she see this...but, I'm praying that she will return to the source of that strength.

[catfan]

FaithfulH, thanks. It is amazing the amount of strength standing takes, especially after 19 months.

Well I just have to journal a bit tonight, for whatever reason the last few days I could tell I was slowly sliding downhill. But I realize it's because we've had no contact with each other. I wasn't expecting any contact nor was I expecting this reaction. I thought I was well past this type of reaction, well past like many, many, many months past it. But I realize over the weekend there have been a number of things that brought back old memories, old feelings, etc and there was a real sense of sorrow. I miss all the great things a marriage has, the chitchat, the laughter, the simple touches, the knowledge that someone is there, someone cares, the companionship, all that stuff.

So between being at the beach with our best friends who we had vacationed with, own a beach house with, socialized with, worked with and who were family AND several friends who now are in deep loving relationships...bummer. Probably the hardest thing to deal with is most of my single friends now have significant others, I'm the lone 'single'. I don't view myself as single but I am now the 5th wheel when we are all together and that really makes me feel uncomfortable.

Back to our best friends, we were going to do the 4th at the beach like we have done for so many years. They backed out and are headed to the mountains. That means it's just me and the girls at the beach. The girls won't have any friends to play with, I won't have any either. It sounds like the makings of some lonely times for us.

Last year on the 4th my wife joined D10, me and our best friends at the beach. D11 was at camp and I can tell you lying on the blanket with D10 between us hold each of our hands, watching the fireworks was one of the best days ever. Even my wife commented on it. We ended up fighting the next day, I started it because I was upset that when we were on the beach she would just sit and read and not interact with me. I just wanted a bit of conversation not silence. She thought we were having a fabulous day until the fight.

So here I sit thinking and wondering if that was another of those big turning points. She left the next day and while at home joined meetup and a few other groups. I successfully drove the spike deeper that day after it was slowly being removed. She got a bit more distant the rest of the summer only in the fall did she warm back up. But that too changed after the sep agreement got signed on her birthday in January. It's been a slow decline since.

Maybe it is time to toss in the towel. 19 months is a long time and I guess such a long time can make any thread of love that was there just erode away too. But I know there are a few threads left in me and I'm not sure it's worth it if there aren't any left in her. I feel like all I am doing now is denying the truth. Yet I still have love in my heart and that makes this all the so more difficult.

[catfan]

OK, just wanted to post that I got all those negative feelings out of my system last night and 45 min later was all good! Sometimes you just have to release the thoughts, feelings, anxiety, etc and once you do you are free of it, the pressure from it is gone.

So back to standing a bit more upright today and not feeling so beat down. And yes I was the one doing the beating down, no one else, those d@mn hidden expectations! I'm sure the lack of sleep over the last several days has played a huge part too because when I don't sleep enough I slowly slide into depression.

And hey I have something to look forward to, vacation tomorrow! Off to the beach for a long weekend with the girls!! Let's see, surfing, sand castles, swimming, putt-putt, ice cream, sun, fun and best of all, the place I love to walk at night and talk with God. Walking the beach at night is to me the one place I feel closest to God and for me there is a tremendous amount of peace in it.