I know, Beth, thank you...I know it isn't the same...I guess I didn't make myself clear, but my mind was wandering a bit! I think it just hit me today, what XH must have dealt with to an extent. I mean, I found it hard to hurt BF this way and we only dated for 6 months...never committed, never had a family...never co-mingled our lives. It hurt me to hurt him, no matter how much I feel peace with this. I just can't imagine hurting a partner I had been with for 15 years! And hurting my kids by leaving their parent (and them). And I KNOW he had no peace of mind in knowing he made the right decision - he had his head so messed up he had no clue if he was right or wrong. I guess that's what I meant by that.
I know XH was (is still sometimes) a schmuck...but sometimes I wonder how hurt he was by all this. In the thick of the divorce drama, I didn't even consider what he was feeling - after all, it was his choice and he could have stopped it any time up until he married OW. I was too wrapped up in my own pain and my fear of how I would make it alone...and too angry at him for walking away and leaving me to handle what was supposed to be "our" family. But I wonder where his mind goes when the night is quiet and he is alone...I sometimes wonder how often I cross his mind and in what way he remembers me. I wonder if he looks at OW and is thankful she is there instead of me, or has remorse he took it that far. I have no way of knowing, of course...
He did tell me that the Toby Keith song "Blue Moon" was one that makes him think of me. He married OW the next month, though, so I can't read too much into that.
I know my choice about BF was best. It wasn't easy though, and I may second-guess myself for awhile.
In an ironic twist...tonight I received an email from a man that was in the returning adult college program with me and we graduated together last spring. I had seen him in the retail store where I work part-time about 6 weeks ago. He told me that he has been stopping in the store once a week since then trying to catch me - and that he would like to get together for coffee, if I was interested!
Not sure yet if I will go...he is nice and I always thought he was interesting...but I'm feeling a little battle-shy right now. We'll see. Isn't that strange timing, though? Six weeks ago, had he asked then, I would have told him I was seeing someone...
