Wife is considering filing - Need Help

[sandi2]

Hi LS, hope you don't mind my long posts. I try to go back over what you have said and respond to different things. I hope I don't lock up your thread, but if I do....just start another one where you left off this one.

I told w that I do not want a D but will support whatever decision she makes. Was that wrong?

No, I don't think so. The way I understand the LRT is that you do tell your S that you are not in favor of a D, but you won't stop them if that is what they want. I wouldn't offer to help move her out or anything, but you get my meaning.

I think your goals are super great!

180s I need to do but feel I can't due to sitch:
Small acts of caring/loving.
Spending time in activity with W (shooting pool, going out for coffee etc...)
Spending time just talking with W about non-R/M topics

Well, the 180's are how much you have changed and worked toward your goals. I think that is quite an accomplishment! Small acts of caring/loving is pretty hard to do wben one is bordering D. I think under the circumstances the way you help with the kids and all you do around the house....I don't know how much more acts of service you could do and hold down a job too! According to the post you went on later to tell, you have had an opportunity to spend some family time and seems everyone enjoyed it.....so, that can count as time with wife....maybe not alone, but perhaps "alone" time is a bit much for right now. You really are doing wonderful and I think she is coming around more than you may be able to see. You know the old saying about being too close to the forest to see the trees.

Your GAL is good. Well rounded.

Major R issues:

Did you notice that all the "major issues" had to do with your wife's issues? Maybe that is how you meant it....but what I'm saying is that they are her issues. Only you can allow them to become yours also. I know the intimacy part certainly affects you as well and I don't mean to sound "flip" about that, but you are doing all that you dare do right now. You can't push her or she will pull back, so that is something that will have to be put on the back burner for now. Hopefully, if she decides not to leave, that can be worked out....but first things first.

Backslides:
I somewhat pressured her into agreeing to see C one more time, for my benefit, not hers. Agreed with W to have conversation regarding M/R

Don't worry too much about that. It is done now and besides, if she was that hard against it, you probably could not have talked her into it that easily. The reason I'm thinking this is b/c you said that you agreed to have conversation regarding the M/R with your wife. So, she must be the one wanting to talk. Don't consider it a backslide by agreeing this time, but just be careful what you agree to during the conversation. Don't talk a lot.....let her do the talking and you listen to her and look at her in her eyes as she talks. While she talks, validate what she is saying by nodding your head or saying you understand. If you don't agree with what she is saying or her POV, then just say that you are sorry she feels that way.....but don't let her trap you into an argument.

W said she tried calling me at the office and I said I probably wasn't at my desk (she left no message). She asked me about my day etc... and I only gave short answers and did not ask about her day. I told her that I had plans that night and would be leaving after I played with the kids and got them ready for bed.

Oh, this was excellent! She is moving forward you as you pull back. Just don't appear to be "cold". As you said, keep answers short, but sweet and keep a pleasant expression on your face and in your tone of voice. Don't show interest in what she does. (lol) I love it!

She asked about plans this weekend

.....and you already had made plans! Great job! She is getting curious about what you are doing....she is interested b/c she is asking questions and she is somewhat surprised that you are moving ahead.

Asked if I had plans tonight. I said not as of this morning. Asked me if I was going to have a busy day and I said it should be rather productive.

See how she keeps asking about your plans?

I like the questions. I do not like my answers. I feel that I should use my answers to show small acts of caring and loving but afraid I will put pressure on her. Sandi, SC, anybody...should I loosen up with my answers or keep things short and sweet for the time being and wait to loosen up.

Listen, I'm not sure what you mean by not liking the answers, but don't change how you are doing things. You are correct that you will put pressure on her. Forget about doing the loving and caring acts.....that comes later after some of the healing....but not at this point...okay? She will misread the small acts of loving kindness....trust me. It will backfire on you. A hint at this is how she is almost resenting you for what you are doing to help out with the kids every morning. Much more and she will really start to get pissed off. So, don't push too much harder even at helping in the mornings. You started out by trying to give her space....but now, she may see she doesn't want to be "replaced" quite so easily.

Balance in the house is beginning to come into play. I see it. Does W? We can work together to get things done while she has the independence she needs. I can step up to the plate when she needs me too. Does she see it? I am capable of running things smoothly without her. Does she see it? Does she care?

It is hard to tell with WAW's, but I think she will see it in time as long as she doesn't misread what you are trying to do. If she suspects that you think you can do a better job than her and that she wasn't so hot at it before....that would not be good! A suggestion would be that you might throw in how you don't know how she has managed a house and the kids all these years so well and that you are trying to help more, but that you could not even attempt to try to be as good as her b/c you know you couldn't. Might break that down into smaller bits at a time so it doesn't sound like you are kissing a$$ so much...(lol). But, yes, I think she will see that it works better for her and she's not so worn out with all the help you are doing. If she can keep her head out of the "fog" and if her friend doesn't start imposing some bad influence upon her thinking. As far as if she will see that you can do as well without her.....that is anyone's guess. I'm not sure what the correct way would be about that. Being a mother, though, I don't know that I would really want to believe that my H could make it that easily without me. I know she needs to realize that you can move ahead with your life, but don't appear that you can do a better job at replacing her motherhood (lol) if that is a good way of describing it.

Is the answer gentle pleasantness? Are my responses gentle pleasantness or cold?

I can tell that you are very concerned about this. It is hard to tell by reading how the voice sounds. The answers "look" fine and I think as long as you don't cut the words to sound short and snappy....that is the secret. Say your sentences with soft tones and kind of slowly so it doesn't sound too curt. The only thing I would change in your anwers would be:

W: Why are you getting the kids cereal ready?
Me: Because I wanted to.

You could have said, "I'm trying to step up to help more than I've done in the past. Besides, I'm learning that I rather like doing it." But, what you said was not bad.

Given lack of communication before sitch, how can I show her that I can be more communicative, outside of being a good listener when she wants to discuss sitch/feelings?

Well, I thought you said that sometimes you talk too much, so I would not worry a lot about it at this point. B/c frankly, most WAW's want to be "heard" and "validated". If she wants to hear your opinion, she will probably ask for it or just come out and tell you that she wishes you would talk more about the particular subject. If you are in a R talk and she gives you opportunity to talk.....then you may want to take the hint....just be careful and not get into a fight. I still hold to the fact that what you are doing for right now....is working! Like you said, she seems to be drawing closer and you don't want to screw that up....so try not to worry about these other things. With you seeking God's help, I believe He will help you know when the timing is right for certain "moves" or "talks" or whatever. Remember our slogan....baby steps. Very slowly. To the point of nearly going nuts...lol. But, it is working and I am very excited about that. I hope it will give you the encouragement and determination and "energy" to keep on keeping on.

I am very proud of you. I know what you are going through has been so hard. The goals you set for yourself has over-whelmed me! I probably would never have gotten through one week especially not drinking and smoking (lol) and I don't do either one. Don't set unobtainable goals for yourself. It is better to set smaller yet realistic goals and reach them, rather than set goals that are much too high and feel as though you have failed. You haven't failed.....maybe some of your plans fall through sometimes, but you haven't failed. I tell you this b/c I don't want you to keep beating yourself up until the depression starts in and gets the best of you. It is bad company. I have dealt with it for years and it is tough. So, do the best you can and don't sweat the small stuff. When in doubt, come here and ask. Some of us will do our best to answer. Anything about the DB book you don't understand....please ask us.

How can I demonstrate when it seems that LRT is the technique I need to be employing?

Maybe I don't understand what you are asking, but I think that you are demonstrating it the best you can while living under the same roof.

Okay......really loooooong post. Good visiting with you. Take care.

Sandi