For the Guy with kids and a WW5

[hopeful4her]

I am having one of those days that I question everything I have done.

WHY am I still trying. Do I really want her to stay? If she is still involved with OM, then I SAY no. But in the same breath, I know that I really don't want her to leave. That I am still willing to try to work on me to let her see. For her to change her mind.

But she has caused me so much pain. So much hurt. How can this angel that I once knew, do this to us?

If you were to meet her, and not know her sitch, you would want to be around her all the time. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She has always put others before herself. A wonderful mother. So full of life. So caring. She has been hurt in her life.

That is what causes so much pain. And confusion. The person that she thinks she wants to be is not really who she is. Without the constant pull of OM, I know that if she does leave, she will come to her senses.

That is what I want to believe. My heart is so full of love for her and at the same time, so heart broken for her. I keep thinking that God has sent her to me to care for her. To be the one to get her through life. And vice versa. She has taught me to enjoy life. To try to have fun everyday. Life is too short. She is all the things that I am not. I am all the things that she is not. She literally rocked my world. I have experienced so much with her. I can't stand the thought of losing her.

The ying to my yang. That is the tattoo on my shoulder. Two opposites that together make a whole. And at the same time, a little bit of one inside the other.

I am getting an overwhelming sense of sadness. That I only have 30 days left of the life that we have spent so much effort in building. Then I will be alone.

Alone. I have never been alone. Never. I have always had someone in my life. I fear the loneliness.

I don't care about what she has done. It is forgiven. The signs that have been presented to us. They are impossible to be ignored.

Yet, she does.

It's just so sad. So sad. I pray for her everyday. For God to keep His hand upon her. To protect her body and soul. She is this hurt person that I have always been there to help and protect. Feeling like I was put in her and her sons life to save them. And in turn, for them to save me.

This rescuer needs to be rescued.

But I can only rescue myself now.