Thanks guys for your thoughts. This was something I saw elsewhere (btw, did anyone see the USA today article about infidelity in this day and age?), but it didn't get discussed. I was wondering what anyone thought about it. And before anyone says anything, this isn't an attack on moderators or anyone. It's simply a point of discussion.
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Originally Posted By: deb13 FIB, just wanted to throw in my two cents here....when my xH told me that he wanted us to try to reconcile our marriage, Bill "let me go". But, he gave me one important word of advice...he told me not to settle. Bill knew what I was wanting/needing in a marriage and from a husband. He told me not to settle for anything less than what I wanted/needed. The whole time Bill & I were apart, I was seeing things in my xH that indicated he wasn't completely into the reconciliation. The words were there; but, not the actions. I kept thinking about what Bill told me and asking myself if I was settling. I knew at that point that I no longer wanted my xH the way he had been or the way he was at that time. He was saying all the right things, just not always doing them. Goes back to "actions speak louder than words" and "believe what they do, not what they say".
FIB, I probably would have settled...not because I loved my xH or because I wanted my marriage back; but, because I thought I had to honor my vows and my commitment to my family. Thank God that I found out he was living w/ another woman because that reconciliation was doomed for hell from the start and our marriage would never have survived.
FIB, you are so much stronger now than you were months ago! I am so proud of you and the way you have carried yourself through all of this. Please be sure of what YOU want and do NOT settle...you deserve true love and happiness. Now, I am treading on thin ice by saying that; but, please know that I am NOT trying to encourage you to walk away...I am just saying know what YOU want/need. Set your goals and work to achieve them. And, above anything else, love your little ones, as well as yourself.
deb
Deb, that IS treading more than on thin ice.
Love/Marriage is about giving, not about receiving, and filling our needs.
Our purpose here is SINGULAR. To save marriages. Please remember that.
My question...is that what love/marriage is about? Solely about given and not receiving? Who said that was true? In my opinion, FWIW, that IS NOT what it's about. In fact, it's pathologic to always be the one that gives while the other receives. Even Edith Bunker on occasion got something back from Archie.
Part of the problem with marriages is the perception, or maybe reality, that one partner never gave, or gave a disproportionately smaller amount. Is that not so? It seems standard WAW talk for them to relate how she gave up everything, did everything, and received nothing in return. If love/marriage is about giving, shouldn't she be the happiest person in the marriage since she's fulfilling the goal of marriage?
But I guess the question was whether you should ask for and know what you want and need in your life. Whether you should ask yourself, "why should I settle?" Have we distorted DBing to include "save yourself" as a portion of it? Is it wrong, once you start working on yourself and hopefully improving and getting your life to the point you feel complete (which I doubt MWD would argue is against the rules), to take a look at your spouse and say, "is there room in my life for this person?"
Your thoughts?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
