bomb 11/06, discover 1 yr PA & sep 7/07 He's never waivered & still w/CW D'd 6/11/08
Oldtimer is right. it is all still new.
There is something about formallly being divorced, even if one had been separated already. I decided to wait all of 2007 before actually going on any kind of date and was glead I did.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
OT, I always appreciate your wisdom. I agree on all counts. I think this was another toe in the water, as I grow out of being codependent and into a more healthy, "normal" outlook on life.
The fear of not being loved is greatly diminished; it was overwhelming earlier in the year, as I realized that I was fighting a loosing battle. I am amazed at how much I am learning about myself. I know what was driving a lot of things about myself that I wanted (want) to change.
It is also helpful to think about what I want the kids to come away knowing from this mess. I tried to limit the info while staying truthful; the rest is up to their IC. I did read up on parental alienation syndrome, and will try to be very careful not to inadvertently promote that.
I'm just taking note of my own changes, and what direction I want to go next. Seems like some grand experiment...
" I tried to limit the info while staying truthful"
You probably can't be truthful in explaining X's actions/motives. You have a very slanted perspective of them. Leave it to him to explain himself.
As for you, quit trying to explain his actions by appealing to fog or craziness. He may well be doing what is best for him, though in not a great way. Both of you have ways in which you can improve how you deal with the world. Both of you are probably doing your best. You might not like it, but he may well be going toward the best life for him in the best way that he can. Accept it.
Hi Donna, I'm not that familiar with your sitch but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents anyway! The thoughts you express about dating and the fear of being alone etc are ones I think most of us go through. In my case, it has been 17 years in the same R and the thought of anyone else never entered my mind. Besides, even before my W dating was not one of my strong points! So, what I am doing, after being separated for almost 9 months is just getting out there and circulating. That doesn't mean hitting the singles bars etc but getting involved in activities where I meet people and interact. I push the envelope a little bit by starting conversations with women, just to converse. I am learning to flirt a bit and not feel emabarrssed by doing so. It becomes enjoyable and began to look forward to those opportunities rather than ignoring them. In fact, just yesterday my kids and I were on the elevator and my D was holding a cake we had just bought. A lady on the elevator started commenting on how good the cake looked, and I started bantering with her about how much I'd sell it to her for and she complained about my pricing. When we got off she smiled and said "I hope you enjoy your cake" and I replied coyly "thank you, I'll be saving a piece just for you" I would never have acted this way in the past but now it is far more natural and, to be honest, women like it! It's because I am noticing them. These are small things but they're little building blocks that can soon become towers! I also became involved in a local church and am becoming more and more known there among people. It's all about building your confidence and comfort level and then it will come. OT is right, your energy will attract others. Now, I'm not dating right now and don't think I'm really ready yet but I'm taking steps that will get me there. It's a process and it takes time. There's also a book you may be interested in, it has a Christian focus, by Dr Henry Cloud entitled "How to get a date worth keeping" and he talks about things like casual dating. He thinks it's a great thing to do, his example is that when you go to a restaurant you're not there to buy the business you're there to enjoy the food so why not take the same attitude towards dating, enjoy the evening and don't look to buy the whole package right away! Good luck.
wii: yep, I've had a few of those casual conversations with a few men. I was never a flirt, but find I'm not terrible at it, when I feel like it. Pretty harmless stuff. I will be separated from x for a year (about 2 weeks from now). But I'm just not going to focus on it; as a few said, when I am really ready, it will show, and then I can be open to being approached and decide from there. I've decided that, while it might be fun, it would just take up too much of my time, and I'd rather dedicate that to my kids, the activities I am already involved in, and finishing up grad school.
ot: again, always something to think about. I know that from x's perspective, he is doing what he feels must be done for him, taking his life in the direction that he is. He is as sure of it, as I am that it is a mistake. Your point of view is more respectful to him in that. It doesn't really matter anymore, as we have completely severed our lives from each other. The only link is a very small one, now, in scheduling things for the kids. That is done through email. I have even backed off any ideas of talking to my BILs and SILs about the sitch. They have nothing to do with it, and whether or not they accept his gf is really their business. It is up to me to decide if I attend family things if I know that she will be there, and I think the first time that may come up is not until Thanksgiving, so I don't have to consider it right now.
Remember that song, Let it Be....it plays alot in my head, now.
Things are quiet inside me right now. What a difference.
I agree with others, btw. when you are ready and have truly moved on, I'll bet you'll find someone. in the meantime, keep enjoying those kids and YOURSELF.
(((HUGS)))
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I loved the lazy eye quote. (Maybe he could look at you and the Yankees game at the same time) Baseball card collection on the first date? I was really surprised to learn that he didn't live in his mom's basement, but it is a "toe in the water". I agree. I need to tell you a little about what was going on for me as well. Before we prepared to leave to go to Iraq, we were at Ft. Bragg, NC training. One hot Saturday afternoon I was walking back from the gym and came around a corner to a quadrangle in the middle of the barracks for one of the units of the 82nd Airborne Division. In the middle of this courtyard, there was a casket and eight Soldiers practicing for a funeral detail. The previous day, nine Soldiers had been killed in a single car bomb attack in Iraq. I watched this for about five minutes, and it got me to thinking about how life is too short. With no positive connection to my wife in over two years, and nothing but anger in her conversations to me, I emailed a female administrator in my district, who I had always found attractive, and asked if I could communicate with her when I was in Iraq. In 51 previous years I would have never done anything like that, even more so when I was married. To my surprise, she emailed me back, and we corresponded the entire year I was there. I never went over the line with her, and when I was home on leave I met her for dinner. We have a lot in common, including a ridiculous work ethic. Once again, no advances on my part, just a female friend. To my surprise, she told her friends in the district that she had a great time with me, and thought we had really connected (which I did as well). She has been divorced for 14 years and has two grown daughters. I still have not crossed that line with her, because I AM still married. She is well aware of the items that I need to work through when I get home, and told me that she has no expectations. I think I am smart enough not to rush into anything, and the last thing I want to be is a "recently divorced needy, whiny, man". The worst time to get immediately involved is when you first get divorced (except when you're still married).
I like you, loved being married. Dating and computer dating, especially make me nauseous to think about. I am not especially good at asking women out, but with the life changing experience I just had, and my "life is too short" mentality, I think I may take some risks that I never would have before. Anyhow...life is short, so when you're ready take some chances. Although the blind date didn't work out, it may be too soon, or it may not be right at all, but it was a start at reclaiming YOU. The fact that he knew you were an art teacher and belittled art would make a long evening I would imagine. Hang in there.
Fist I want to thank you for posting on my thread this week, it means a lot when people take time to help you, so thank you so much!
I havent read all your responses so prob repeating , I did see NMD tho and totally agree, Nothing wrong w/ making a new friend, this man seems like he may be a little lonely and how nice for him to know someone cares.
It dosnt have to have romantic strings , just friends, I remember when I started looking at my dates as potential friends and nothing more, it was soooo much nicer and pleasant!
You both have children, same ages, same sit, its a holiday weekend, I think it would be nice. Do not know your sit, so not sure if you are totally done w/ your H, if so, then why not, if not then maybe not so much lol I'm real helpful uh? lol
I do know that I did try dating wayyyy too early and it wasnt good, compared everyone to my ex. durrr the man cheated on me! lol After I stopped and enjoyed MY life w/ friends and family and felt more healed, it was a lot nicer and no more comparing.
Good Luck and whatever you do have a great 4th!! ( wow werent we all just saying Merry Christmas?? lol)
Last edited by KarenMarieS; 07/02/0804:51 PM.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Sally, F, Karen; thanks for checking in, all, and for the insights.
F, I can't imagine a fraction of what you have seen over there. When you think about the lives and families that have been torn apart by war, maybe it can help us both put a better perspective on what we have gone through...
I think finding a romance through a friendship is probably the best route to go, and since I am always making friends, something, somewhere might develop over the long term. My life is pretty full as it is, right now. I have to say, I do miss the intimacy. He!!, I miss the sex. Aren't the mid- late-thirties supposed to be the peak for a woman? Damn. Oh, well. There are outlets, if not as fun.
*** Went to my IC today, right after S saw his IC. His session went well, she said, although she didn't get my email with the whole back-story. Her words to me, quick at the end, were that the kids need to see both parents as the superheroes, so they know that if something happens to one, they will always have the other. I agree, and don't want to start sliding down that slippery slope of parental alienation. I emailed x and told him that if he'd like, the kids could stay with him a later tonight, since he wasn't going to see them for a while. I'd be home either way, if he already had plans. I just want to focus on taking the higher road, while also not becoming the door mat. Hence, the kids are staying with me and not going to his party tomorrow, and the 4th is my holiday this year.
My session was good, too. She sees continued progress. Said that the date was a good sign of me moving on, acceptance, although agreed that things are still too new; there is something to be said for learning to live life completely independently for a while, and I agree. Gave me the name of a good travel author (safe reads, funny w/o romance), a company called Service Magic dot com, to get bids for work that has to be done in the house, and the idea to look into single parent activity groups (kind of like Nikki's meetups), for new friendships and getting out. Oh, and there is a place up in NH that does Parent and kid cooking camp--S is really starting to show a strong interest. I'll have to look into some local things, too.
In-laws got a new dog today; a rescued Rhodesian Ridgeback. She is very cute, and I don't think I will ever have to walk my puppy again. They ran after each other for 15 minutes straight at top speed, then each home to pass out on the rug!
I am off to get my nails done, then home to some homework. VERY glad that I got the extension on my grad class--graduating by the end of the summer seems attainable
Love will find both of us again once day. It seems impossible on a number of levels right now, but it will happen. I do however, dread thinking about ever resorting to Match.com of other computer dating sites...Ugh........."Looking for committed, mutual relationship, where neither partner dominates..." Yech!
