Got back from Portland, OR, after visiting with H. D15 came with, and it was fun. Took a drive up to The Dalles, stopped over at Hood River, the falls, then dinner at Red Robin. Mmmm! Did the Science Centre, Powell's Bookstore, and a lovely drive along the Skyline. It was so hot on Saturday and there was a thunderstorm on Sunday! Wow! D15 and I drove back yesterday, and tomorrow she leaves for YW camp.
H seemed a bit distracted, but that's not unusual. He thanked me for tidying up the hotel room after we left, which is unusual (rarely thanks, or notices if I do stuff like that). I still don't know what I'm going to do. I think H thinks that once I'm attending classes in the fall, then I will be more content to let things ride, 'cause I'll have something to keep me occupied. He hasn't said it out loud, but I get that feeling with little hints he gives, and how he responds to my saying, "I am so excited about getting my degree, eventually".
Anyway, there is still no romance. I feel like we are just friends who share finances, and children. This is not the kind of M I envisioned, and I am still not sure how I am going to effect any change, except within myself, and that's an ongoing process.
The weather has been hot here, and it is nice to see the sun again. My garden is starting to look like something ... need to do more weeding though (I am a complete novice gardner, so I do get very excited when something 'takes'). I recently bought and released a bag of ladybugs into the garden and it was a thrill to see them settle in. I haven't seen many lately, but I assume they are finding shade. I have tried to plant flowers that they enjoy, hoping to keep them in my garden.
I will do something for myself while D15 is away at camp (GAL activity), although S21 is home, so we can do a fun activity if he's not working. I also have to prepare to write the fitness certification exam ASAP, and I will be giving aerobics classes at church from mid-September. D21 is coming to visit at the end of the month, with my baby grand-daughter. Yay! I also want to find a way to see my D28 this summer, but she is a long way away, and not sure if I'm going to be able to pull it off.
So! No real change in my sitch. At least, I have classes to look forward to in the fall, and many summer activities. I am just a little nervous, that I am just settling for less, and not fighting for want I want re my M, but not sure what more I can do. I find it pointless trying what has already been tried (with little positive results), and can't think of anything new, and quite frankly, am not really that motivated anymore. If the M ends, it ends. Nothing I can do about it anymore. I am scared that I am vulnerable to having an A myself, so I make sure I don't talk to anyone of the opposite sex, or try not to think about what I am missing as far as my emotional and physical needs being met.
This all sounds sad, and boring, but I am actually pretty happy with myself, and the choices I have made. I am living a good life where my interests are concerned, and love spending time with my children. I live in a beautiful part of the world. I have a roof over my head (and my children's heads), food on the table, and enough money to do quite a lot of stuff. I am starting to meet new people, and make new friends (female, of course). I am comfortable. There is no excitement (except for going back to school), but life isn't always about that, and I will find a way to accept this until I feel the time is right to let the M go, or H decides it's time. Whatever!
Hope y'all have a lovely summer.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
