Wife Filed And I Need Help With Busting ASAP

[Scott123]

Well, today she texted me that she needed money and she used
the kids as an excuse like I knew she would.

"I need 100 dollars of the child support so I can get
gas and things from the store."

I did not respond right away and she left a voice mail that
basically said the same thing, but she sounded annoyed.

I texted back and said I would bring it over in a bit.

I went over, hung out with the kids for a bit (she was upstairs)
and then I went up in our room and she said she had a migraine.
She eventually came down and I gave her the cash and said
I needed a receipt for it. She seemed a tad annoyed at that,
but gave me one. I asked "Is it ok if I go with you guys
to the kids game" and she said "um, alright I guess" but then
a minute later she said she did not want me going with her.
I said why? She then went out for a smoke and just said
"because I don't want to be around you at all." She was
getting hostile now and just really cold.

I bluntly asked if there was a problem with our friendship and
she said no. I said then what's the big deal if I go to
their game. She said "well before you never wanted to go to
their games (not really true, I've gone to lots of their
game, but during this last episode I was really anti-social
and had bad social anxiety) I said you're right, but now I want
to be there. I then validated her and told her I take full
responsibility for my actions and know that I had a lot of
problems to overcome and really neglected her and the
girls. Told her I'm feeling so much better now and
wanted to go to their game.

She said "You've done a lot of crap and I'm not ready to
be friends with you now, I have to get over all of this"

(Not sure what she meant by "all of this" if she meant the
divorce or just stuff from the past. I did not ask her. Not
sure if that was a positive or negative comment.)

I dropped it and just said "ok I understand, I'll just go then."
She thanked me for the money and gave me the kids schedule
for the rest of the games this year.

The sad thing is that the kids overheard this and they seemed
really sad. She was being a total jerk.

I was devastated. I feel like someone kicked me in the
stomach.

On a side note - I know I should probably not have given her
actual cash, but I did not want to start an argument about
money or get into casino talk or R talk so I figured I would
just give it to her for now without question.

She usually goes to the casino on Sundays so if she ends up
there tonight or tomorrow spending some of the money I gave
her for the kids then we have a problem. I think she will
end up there. Her sis is going to call me later if she goes
out and I'll drive by to see if her car is there.

If she is there... I guess I'm going to have to tell her in
the future when she asks for money that I'll get what she
needs and cannot give her cash because I saw all the charges
on our bank statements for the casino.

I expect her to attack me and get angry if that scenario
happens, but what else can I do?

I'm like stuck between a rock and a hard place here with this
casino and guilt crap.

She did break down to me ONE time in the past about the casino.
This was the last time we were separated in feb and right
before we got back together. She was crying really bad
and saying she felt so guilty because of all the gambling
and said she was afraid to say anything. (I actually
already knew about it so it was not really much of a surprise
to me.) I wish she would just crash already and admit it
to "somebody" already. She hides it and lies to everyone.

I know this damn gambling and guilt is at least half of
the problem with her attitude and actions.

One thing against me too is our state only has a 90 day wait
for divorce and it's already been almost a month.

I told the girls today that I would be starting to get their
new rooms fixed up and they were excited. (I told them before
I had the above talk with my wife.) Now I'm wondering if I should
just stay away from that idea or if I should go and work
on the house. I mean my W can avoid me if I'm around, but
I don't want to keep getting her mad by me being there. I
will be there to work on the house, not to talk to her,
but she is really screwed up and I can see her just getting
pissed off at me. Any advice on that?

The house needs a lot of work and if its left to go much longer
it's just going to keep getting worse. The girls are sharing
a room now so I know it's really affecting their moods
because they don't have their own room so it causes a lot
of conflict.

Right now I feel taken advantage of slightly, like she is
just going to walk all over me especially for money. I was
talking to a friend and I told him I feel like putting my
foot down and saying enough is enough if she asks me
for cash again and I know she went to the casino. He said
he agreed that I needed to draw the line and tell her already
that enough with the casino, tell her I saw all the charges
on the bank statement, saw that there's no more money left in
the account and refuse to accept blame that she cannot go on
D's trip because of me. It has NOTHING to do with me and
everything to do with the casino.

Not sure what to do in that regard either. I mean I don't
want to get in a fight with her or get her angry, but
I also don't want to sit and take this crap and have
her constantly try and blame me for all these money
issues that are hers alone.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Any advice on any of this guys?

[LosingSunshine]

Scott,

My heart goes out to you. My state has a 90 day wait as well, and whereas my wife hasn't actually filed the papers, it's just a matter of time if I can't stop this train.

I remember reading on another thread something about boundaries and that it is not terribly bad to establish boundaries while separated. Should you lay down the law with regards to the money? Establish boundaries? Be respectful of her privacy but make it clear that you will not finance her gambling addiction? Seems kind of harsh but since you feel that you are being taken advantage of, standing up might not be a bad option. Sure she'll get miffed, but do what's right for the kids. Her anger will subside, I think.

Just a thought.

[Scott123]

I am going to a gam-anin meeting next monday. Sis inlaw
and two friends are also going and possibly her mother.

All family and friends are on board to help her. W knows nothing
about any of this. Hopefully gam-anon will provide tools
and advice on how to support her positively.

I know that at least 50% or more of our relationship problems are
because of her lying and frivolous spending and gambling.

When we get along, we get along great and are true best friends.
When we are no getting along it's harsh and ugly.

Right now it's all her, she is the one being harsh, hostile,
cold and not wanting to be friends. I am acting as if and trying
to be happy and positive at all times regardless of what she
says or does. (very hard!)

The guy I talked to at gam-anon said based on his experience
that she sounds like she is near a crash point. He recommended
I and family go to a meeting or two and then use the tools they
provide to try and get her to go to a meeting.

The older couple we are friends with did call me last night and
mentioned she was talking to them. She told them she really
appreciated that I brought her money over and she said that
"we were not friends to each other right now." They asked
well why not? and she said "because its going to take her
a while to get over everything that happened in the past."
They said "well how is he now and what does the past have
to do with now?" and she just said "he's great and I'm glad
he has helped himself, but it's going to take me a while to
get over all of this" and then she changed the subject.

I am taking that conversation as a positive sign. She is the
one who called them to talk about me.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Any advice on the next steps I should take here? I kind of
feel like I'm talking to myself. This not being friends
crap really took me by surprise.

- Scott

[Scott123]

HELP!

Wife textd me and thanked me for going to the game, we had
a bit of simple chit chat about daughters and that was it.

I see last night she texted me about 4:30 in the morning, but
I was sleeping. I texted her back and and asked if something was
wrong just now and here's how it went:

W - We need to talk
M - About what?
W - I met someone, nothing serious yet, he treats me good as is nice
W - I'm sorry and just don't want you to find out the wrong way.

I did not reply anymore.

She then called and the conversation went basically like this:

W - are you mad?
M - I don't even know what to say to this.
W - What do you mean?
M - I feel totally violated and rejected.
W - We are getting divorced, what does it matter.
M - It matters a lot to me, we are still married, there's a lot
of love between us and I can't believe you did this.
W - There hasn't been love between us in long time.
M - I don't even want to talk to you right now, I asked you
before if there was another guy and you said no. I knew this
was going on for a while.
W - I only met him a week ago.
M - I said bullshit, this is nothing something you just did
and decide to call me about.
W - Well, I talked to him on the phone a few times, but that's
it. I just wanted you to know because I did not want it to
get back to you when we go out.
M - I'm going to go, I cant talk to you about this, it's not
even all processed yet.
W - I'm sorry, but we are getting divorced. It's my time to
be happy now.

end of conversation

She then texts me this:

W - Are you alright?
W - I'm sorry

I did not reply to them.

I'm devastated to say the least. I don't know what to
do and could use some advice?

- Scott

[Scott123]

So she texts me again about an hour later:

W - I hope you are still going to take the girls today

M - Yes

M - You need to tell them everything you are doing and exactly
what is going on. They are old enough to see right through
everything.

W - I was going to, I wanted to tell you first.

W - You broke my trust a long time ago.

M - This is not about me and I never cheated on you or broke
trust like this. Regardless of the past, I'm not allowing you to
shift guilt or blam on me anymore. I refuse to accept that.

W - I'm not blaming you, but you have a lot to do with WHY.

M - Um, that is blame and I refuse it. I stood up strong to get
healthy and overcome the problems I had. I'm fine with myself
and my conscious is clean. I don't need to hear about what you
are doing or who you are seeing. I don't even know why are
you even telling me all this now anyway if you're so set
on divorce.

W - I know you're doing good and I'm glad for you. I can just
never be happy with you because too much has happened in the past.
I feel calm now.

M - If you want to throw our marriage and friendship away then
it is your loss and nothing I can do about it. I'm happy with
myself and I'll make someone an awesome partner... it's too
bad and sad that it won't be you.

M - There's no need for you to keep contacting me about this. Go
have your fun, I'm moving on and don't need to hear about your
actions especially with other men.

W - I hope you find someone!


Well, my day is totally shot. It really sucked waking up
to all of that. I'm wondering now if this is a total lost
cause now.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Man what a weird day it's been.

So I already had plans to take the kids hiking today and
I called my wife and asked her if she could get the girls
ready and that I would be over in a bit. She said OK. She
texts me in a bit and said they are ready to go and waiting.
I said ok I'm coming now.

She quick texts back and says wait a half hour before you
come. So I said alright.

So I wait and I get there and notice that she is all dolled up.
I could tell she just got out of the shower, she had new cloths
on, make up, perfume and looked really great.

She was not going anywhere and the girls and I where using
her van anyway.

So she was helping me get some last minute stuff together, water,
a knapsack, stuff for the dogs etc. We were both in the laundry
room and I just grabbed her, spun her around and gave her a big
hug and a kiss on the top of the head and told her that I was
not angry with her, but I was really upset. She squeezed me
for a long time really hard to where it almost hurt.

She looked like she was ready to cry and she said you should be
mad you have a lot to be mad about.

I then gave her another squeeze and reassured her that I'm not
mad at her and let her go. Her got the rest of the stuff together
and I took the girls hiking.

I don;t want to read into this much, but it was a really weird
day. Do you think she is trying to punch my buttons and see
if I'm going to get angry, jealous or even in a rage like I
would in the past. If she did this in the past I would have
got angry and snapped at her and we would have gotten into
a huge argument. So I guess my actions to do where the biggest
180 she probably ever saw.

I'm wondering if she is testing me. I still don't know if there
really is some guy she is seeing or not.

I'm wondering if I should just stick with what I'm doing and not
contact her and just act as if I'm fine about moving on?

- Scott

[sgctxok]

It was a weird day and it is possible she is testing you.

Scott....it will NOT help you to say you are not going to take blame. Like it or not, no matter what her faults are, even if it were more than 50% her fault, it will not help you in the slightest to have this position. That position will help you get divorced and stay divorced.

What will help you....not engaging in that discussion.

Next time she asks for cash tell her there isn't any. Set a budget and stick to it, except for an emergency, and she will have lots of them.

Set an emergency budget as well. You keep it or give it to her... and tell her to manage it...but tell her this is how it is while you are separated....this is how you have to manage it. Be kind, gentle......do NOT engage with her about her problem over and over again. That will drive a wedge between you.

Don't engage in discussions about possible or even proven other men right now. Blow your steam off here.

DO NOT take advice about giving her ultimatums. You will lose.

[Scott123]

Well I guess I see how the "not taking the blame" can be a
backslide so I put that in my journal under what DOES NOT work.
I don;t consider the above a bad conversation or a bad
backslide just because of how the rest of the day went and
just the way she was acting.

BTW - She probably will be asking for money soon, but I will
only give her 100 dollars since that is the arrangement
we have. That's all I would owe her for the rest of the month.
I know for a fact she is going to have it really hard this
month because her money is almost gone and it's only
the second of July. I hope this will make her see that
being separated like this is not going to be easy financially
at all. I think she is starting to really realize that she
is going to have to get a FULL time job.

My thoughts on her pushing buttons and doing all of this
to test me is based on the following:

1. She did a similar routine in the past whether the OM was real
or not. She stressed wanting to have sex with other men because
they make her feel wanted, going into details etc. and it was
quite obvious to get me jealous. It's actually what brought
us back together sort of. She initiated the conversations
too.

2. She initiated this last conversation after I went dark
on her. hmmmm

3. Just some of the things she was saying are not like her
at all if you knew her. the double talk about not blaming me
and then "I'm the reason why" reeks of trying to get me jealous
or to try and see how I react. as in - will he get angry, go
into a rage etc.

4. The hug was really weird especially how tight she
was holding me and not letting go. I had to kind of
push her off me before the kids came in. She wanted to
keep squeezing me and she was burying her head under
my chin. She could not get any closer to me if she tried.
First physical contact we have had in about 6 weeks.

5. the fact that she stalled me so she could get all dolled
up. I mean she went the whole 9 yards, with makeup, new clothes,
perfume etc. I even asked, "oh, are you going out? Because
you can use my car while we are gone since we'll have the van."
She said "No that's ok, I'm not going anywhere and don't need
the car" hmmmmm

Yeah, I don't really have any ultimatums for her. I mean
I want to help her if anything especially with the
gambling. Hopefully well learn exactly how to do that
at the gambling anon meeting.

Also learned another little tid bit of info today. I was talking
to the older couple we are friends with and she told me that
my W was talking to her about our divorce for a week or so
before she filed and she was unsure what to do. She kept
saying that she thinks she should just send in the paper work.
Our friend said "You better be sure because you are talking
about something that is going to change your lives" and W
was not sure what to do and said she had mixed feelings.

So I'm taking it that shes not committed on the D as much
as I initially thought.

After we got back I simply acted as if everything was fine and
like nothing even happened. I could tell she was scoping me out
and watching my every move and reaction. I simply hung out
with the kids and had a cookout. She went to our friends to
help with a baby who was sick.

Now here's my question.

Should I go really dark now and use LRT and basically have
no contact with her at all unless she initiates... and when
and if she does initiate it just to act "as if" and cut
the conversation short?

I'm wondering if the above was a kind of pursuit by her. I mean
why the heck would she need to contact me at like 5 AM to tell
me she "met someone else"? it seems like she wants me to
chase her or something.

Ugh, this woman drives me nuts sometimes.

- Scott