Hang in there. It is almost over. Once he signs please stick with your boundaries. You can't really heal when he is around you so getting out of the house is a top proirity. Please remeber that his A IS NOT YOUR FAULT in any way. You never made him do what he did no matter what he says.
Thank you Eagle and Michelle. I struggle with guilt a lot. What did I do to cause this? I know that I didn't do anything and me being in 2 plays back to back last summer and into the fall may have negelected our marriage a little but it never gave him the right to have an affair. But I still look and look to find something I did.
I haven't slept in days so I am going to go try to take a nap.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
He doesn't understand anything. He doesn't know the words refinance or equity. Paying off the car and telling him that is like giving him $3000 mean nothing to him. He would rather have the $3,000 in cash. He doesn't understand (seriously) why we can't just erase my name from the title of the car and he take over the payment and I hand him over $7,000. He told my Dad that he is sacrificing so much with this deal. He also wanted to know how much my payments are to pay back my Dad for all of this and why I can't just get a loan for another $500 to give him. I really don't get the reason WHY he thinks I owe him money. Obviously that is coming from the OW.
Sara, who knows what they think. My wife's OM told her that somehow it would be a good idea to steal my personal medical information -- A FEDERAL FELONY! -- to show that I was taking ADs. Also SWORE that the way I was tracking her was thru the BMW Assist subscription on her BMW, even though just 30 seconds on their website will tell you that they can't use it for that unless you have a police report showing that it's stolen. These same "rocket scientists" never took the time to sweep the car for a voice-activated recorder (which I had under the front seat) or the trunk for a GPS-enabled phone (that I had in my son's baseball gear bag) until more than two months later, when I had all the evidence I needed.
He doesn't understand (seriously) why we can't just erase my name from the title of the car and he take over the payment and I hand him over $7,000.
This EXACT sentence has come out of my H's mouth!!!!! Drives me insane! I mean really. I can't even tell you how many times I have explained this to him. UGH!...makes my blood pressure rise.
I hope he signs. We can get through this together Sara!
Kris, did I ever mention that my H was adopted? Maybe your H and mine are long lost brothers because they sure seem to share the same stupid! Haha! My H has always been like this. He is very intelligent in some ways because he would read these difficult textbooks and understand some really deep stuff but then didn't know how to write a check. Always relies on someone else to explain things or do them for him.
I am sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. H should be at the lawyer's office right now signing. She didn't want me there because of how upset I got yesterday when he wouldn't sign.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I struggle with guilt a lot. What did I do to cause this? I know that I didn't do anything and me being in 2 plays back to back last summer and into the fall may have negelected our marriage a little but it never gave him the right to have an affair. But I still look and look to find something I did.
You didn't do anything Sara...he made a childish choice when he was at a rough spot. We all get in rough spots and we all have a choice to act like adults or act like children.
You being in two plays is only a problem in your relationship if he refuses to make the most of that and share it with you.
I started working part time for a theatre in town last spring, I have wanted to do that since I was 16 and I never did get around to it. Believe me there is a lot anyone can do to participate in a theatre production so a couple can keep close and bond.
You living a life isn't a problem unless he decides to take the immature road and let it be a problem rather than an opportunity for the two of you to grow as a couple.
I worked at my theatre alone this winter and spring, and believe me there was a lot my wife could have done to help out too. The reason he had an affair has nothing to do with you.
You made choices in your relationship that you may do otherwise should the time come again, but each time our spouse makes a choice that makes things more difficult for a marriage, the OTHER spouse can take a mature road to offset that, OR they can get pissed and make it a lot worse. His affair was his decision and his decision alone.
Don't sell your house, if he has to be out soon then I agree with you, hold onto it and enjoy it.
I am sorry I missed the productions!
I love theatre, I majored in theatre at university until someone I was dating talked me into gonig to law school instead...damn I am such a pushover. :P lol
I would give him only what he's legally entitled to and not a dime more. Pay him an amount paralell with the maturity he's showing through this whole mess...that's the fairest way to deal with gulit.
Well...he signed. I feel so sad about it. But at the same time I have a feeling of relief and freedom. I guess he argued some more with the lawyer about it and she finally told him to either sign the papers and take his $3,500 or leave. And he signed the papers and took the money. He was confused why he wasn't given the Title to the car right then and there. The lawyer said that she has never met anyone so stupid in her life and that at first she thought he was just being mean but now she realizes that he is just plain dumb. I always felt like he had a learning disablitiy (it is the teacher in me) and I never minded helping him figure things out. Now he has to do things on his own and he comes out looking stupid.
I called him and thanked him for signing the papers. I don't know why I did it, but I did. He told me that he didn't know what he just did and I told him he just got a divorce. He said, yeah but I guess it just hasn't sunk in what that all means. Then I asked him why he thought he needed all of this money from me. I mean now that he has it, why did he think I should have given it to him. He said that he honestly did not know. He told me he was sorry for ruining everything and told me that I never did anything wrong in our marriage and that it was all him. He messed it up and it was never me. He asked me if I would still call him sometimes and I said that I didn't know. He said he would like it if I would and he would call me only he doesn't have my number. I said that I would like to be friends with him at some point but as long as OW was still in the picture it would be hard for me. He understood that.
Next step is to watch him move out of the house. I am sure he will bring OW (the amazon) to help him and I don't like the idea of her being on my property.
So many emotions inside of me right now. Going to read and relax tonight and watch some trashy TV.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Mark, I wish you could have seen the productions as well. In 2006 I had this realization that I had lost touch with myself and wanted to get back into doing the things that I loved. I majored in elementary education and minored in theatre in college. Acting has been a big part of my life for as long as I remember. So I tried out for a play with the Little Theatre and got in that summer. The next summer (one year ago) I was in another play and the director personally asked me to be in the fall play. My H told me that he really wished that I wouldn't do it because it took up so much time and he never gets to see me. I explained how this was something I really love and I might not get the chance to do this particular play again. It is one that I always wanted to do. So I went ahead and did the play and had a blast! H wasn't too happy about it, but you know he came and saw me in it and was telling everyone about how good of a job I did in it. Looking back I still don't think I would do things differently. I am sorry that plays take up so much time....but with all of my H's artistic abilities I was trying to get him to help paint sets. He wasn't interested and spent a lot of time in the basement working on his artwork. I don't know if any of this is connected to H's affair or not. The affair started 2 months after the last play ended.
By the way, I plan on trying out for some more plays this year. And the first play I was in last summer has been nominated for several awards in the St. Louis area community theatre "Tony" awards, so I am really happy about that.
I am in such a talkative mood...sorry!
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
What you sound like, dear, is relieved. Though it's not the outcome you desired, relief is here.
Your H sounds like a sad and dependent man. He sounds like he expects his happiness to come from outside of him. That's really, really sad. He even sees how awful this is and chooses the unpleasant road anyway.
It's up to you if you continue contact. I think there will be a crash and burn moment for him when he's begging for you back. You need to think about the ACTIONS it would require from him to even consider it. Heck, you need to think about if you would even consider it.
You will be fine. I think you see that...and I'm thrilled to hear you have the theater as a passion to fill your time and feed you. Passion is an important thing in our lives. My H used to be jealous of my passion for teaching...back when he thought I should live my life the way he thought I should. Back before the bomb. Now he sees how I approach teaching differently (I LOVE it, but it doesn't define me like it did before), and he also knows that a happy SD contributes to a happy M...so he supports it.
I'd spend the next little while thinking about what your expectations and boundaries are for your next relationship...be that H or someone else. Get some clarity on that, and you'll be good to go.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Mark, I wish you could have seen the productions as well. In 2006 I had this realization that I had lost touch with my...So I tried out for a play with the Little Theatre and got in that summer....I don't know if any of this is connected to H's affair or not. The affair started 2 months after the last play ended.
I am in such a talkative mood...sorry!
Your H's choice to have an affair was his choice, nothing you were doing could have avoided that choice. The problem was and is in him, he hasn't matured yet..it wasn't the theatre or anything else...it was a choice he made because of who he is at the moment. He could have walked the mature road. Had your circumstances been different, he would have made the same choice.
He was proud of you for doing the theatre work clearly or he wouldn't have been telling everyone. I think once he visited the production and experienced the performance he understood how important it was. I can't imagine that did anything but earn you more respect and admiration. He just came to a fork in the road and wasn't mature enough to make the mature choice. You did make the mature choice by carrying yourself to where you are now.
Talk all you want here, that's what forums are for!
