Yes, I was an abuser. I understand know that I had very low self esteem.....later on that subjet.
I was always upset about something, and in turn, would take it out on her. I would criticize, belittle her for small things - ( i.e., having our children in flip flops...having morning breath...very small dumb stuff like that.
I would get so mad if I didn't get my way....I ended up physically harming her one time....
Then, I did not know any better. I grew up seeing this....thinking that men should act this way....a way to demostrate you are a man....NOW, I know that is not a man, but ONLY a bully. Growing up, I always admired the Knights of the round table - for their nobility, and intergrity.....This is the man I modile myself to be today, tomorrow - for me and for my children.
As I mentioned, this is what I saw growing up. I saw my father act this way toward my mother. My uncles act this way toward women...in general...this is how I perceived men should act toward women.
If it was not for my exW to file for divorce...I honestly would not have done a self discovery.
Okay, when you tell someone that is very fat the he should not eat junk food because he/she may have a heart attack....he/she won't listen. After he/she has a heart attack....he/she eventually understands and listens....WHY?...
For me, I didn't listen even though I heard her say she was going to leave me. I never took that seriously, until it happened. After she filed, I was devasted. Mainly, I hit a low point.
I wanted to get back with her....in the process....I researched what an abuser is....does....etc. I did my own discovery / research. I would google "Can an abuser change"...then from there I would research.
As for her feeling if I fully understand the effects my words / actions had on her OR to say the impact it had on her....I don't know other than I apologize every moment I have.....I feel she is tired of sorries....but I truly repent for my actions...If she doesn't want to hear it....then I will demostrate it with our children - Being the father they deserve, and the father I wanted to have and be.
As for your innocence...I can only say that you should seek counceling. Everyone plays a part....Find yours....meaning, you might be contributing to his actions - Meaning, you may ask him pressuring questions after he comes home from work - How about waiting after lunch or dinner, or after going for a walk. Then asking the question - will he respond differently? Who knows if you find other ways of interacting the produce positive results...
I do this when I speak with my exW - it has been working for me and for her. When she is angry, I tell myself, she has the right to be angry. I listen, then I tell myself she may have a point....then I ask her to clarify her point. If I am still disagreeable...I ask if I can think about it and get back to her another time....
As for her telling me many, many times - Yes she did, but I heard her, but didn't listen....and Yes, that is why she went straight for divorce. How do I know......she told me so.
Patience...Patience...
Today, I dropped off child support / daycare support cashier check. She waiting for me. We talked about how to deal with doctor appointment / soccer games....etc. I even asked about our relationship. I asked if she had any feeling for me.....she paused and said no. I told her that I still did - Why? I am getting to point that I don't want to bottle up anything anymore. If she knows, great. If she feels indifferent, well, we are already divorced. I know that I maybe contradicting myself considering I want to try again with her.....I guess I backslide at times....I even asked for her to meet me halfway....she responded with - "I don't know if you have changed", I replied "Meet me halfway, allow my to prove it to you"....and I left it at that...I left content with a feeling that I said what was in my heart - I know that I shouldn't have, but before I never communicated my feelings to her - a 180 for me.
Yes, she feels anger, resentment, all feelings that I put inside of her....this was my doing because of abuse. I see a change in her, a change that is very attractive, and appealing - the women that I knew she always was....the women that I held behind.
Sorry, Purple. I was an abuser. I loved my exW very much. I never meant to be the way I was. Never meant to treat her the way I did. She never deserved it - NO ONE DOES. If I had one more chance....I would make up for it....
So, Purple. If you love him, space herself from him to allow him to change. Stand firm and tell him - "Look, I love you, want to grow old with you, want us to see our grandchildren together; But the way we are both acting is causing us to grow distant and apart which I don't want to happen. Can we both go to a councelor together as a couple and as a family..."
something of that nature or so....someone in this relationship has to have a clear head and do what is the impossible to save it --- that right now is you.
Just remember....He is your friend, lover, husband, father of your children, and also.....human with faults.
