Continue on, guys...don't let this stop you from your dialog...
I just wanted to enter into a different direction so you all wont think I am a man-hater...and also because it is now a large part of my life.
New topic: WHAT I LEARNED FROM MARS/VENUS AND HOW IT MADE ME A BETTER WIFE-TO-BE
I had read the original Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus way back when it was written. At that time, my now-ex-husband wasn't looking like the description of Mars in the book so I just didn't "get it". There was lots of info in there I could have used at that time but I just didn't think it applied to us that much because - as I said - my now-ex wasn't very Mars at all.
However...reading that book, plus a few more by John Gray, in regards to my current relationship, has helped me and us tremendously. I am a changed woman and view relationships totally differently in part because of those books.
So here is a list of bullet points of things I know and do now, that I didn't know and didn't do before. These are things that I, as a woman in a relationship, can do to make him love me more every single day...
*When he comes home from work, I am happy to see him! I don't dump my worries on him at that moment. I give him time to come home, see me happy to greet him, get him a beverage, sit down and chill, let him talk about his day if he wants.
*When I have the opportunity, I brag him up in front of my friends, my kids, my mother, his friends, etc. This makes him beam with pride. I also do it when he is not there, and word gets back around to him about things I have said.
*Don't backseat drive! This one took me a long time to figure out, but it should have been so easy. DUH! Men want you to trust they can safely deliver you from here to there without your mothering input about his driving skills.
*Expect him to be defensive...roll with it and don't get defensive in return. This is a difference between men and women that is very hard for women to understand. Finally I realized I didn't need to understand it, I just needed to accept it. If I bring to his attention any way he has failed me, he will get defensive about it at first. He will not just say "oh baby, I'm so sorry you felt that way". He is a man and they just don't react that way. Women react that way, but I can't expect him to. Instead he will say "what do you MEAN I didn't do this or that???" To which I have to remain calm, not get defensive back to him, and logically explain my feelings to him. Finally, he will stop the defensiveness and accept responsbility, fix it and apologize. But it is my gift to him and to our relationship for me to not get defensive back at him. Trust me guys, this is very difficult for a woman to accomplish!
*Sex - any time, any where, with enthusiasm, with me intiating more than half the time, with me willing to try and do anything with him. (Although this is not something he has ever had a problem with in his life before me, so lucky for me, he has not been damaged by an SSM or similar. He was expecting me to be a good lover and I am/was. I am so glad he has no baggage in this regard.)
*When I need to talk - I have to be very calm and clear and tell him that "I am just venting, this is not for you to fix for me, just to listen". This takes away his anxiety about not being able to fix my problem for me.
*I shower him with adoration and appreciation for everything he does for me, which is a LOT...but I have to keep it out of the sugary sweet zone. It has to be real appreciation, not just done to placate him.
*I stay busy with my own life and don't make it his responsibility to provide me with my hobbies, interests, etc. I have an active social life, friends, a busy family tree, a full time job, hobbies and a deep spiritual life. I keep all of these things afloat on my own so that my life is full and interesting. Therefore, I am an interesting person for him to come home to. There is a desire to throw myself into him and make him the center of my life, but I resist this, knowing now that this will actually make me unattractive to him and it will make our relationship unbalanced.
These are just a few of the wonderful things I learned from M/V. My life and relationship has been totally different since I "got it".
