As you write this stuff I can't quite understand it...mainly how she won't leave the house. And it's always that..."I can't leave the house.", not, "I can't leave you or the kids." Is that what she loves, the house? If you and the kids went away for awhile, would it bother her as long as she was at home? Is her preference for you to move away and leave her the home?
The "house" is next door to the neighbors. 'nuff said.
The "house" is next door to the neighbors. 'nuff said
That's what I felt also. So, if that is the case, then there would have to be more going on than mules knows about or acknowledges. Where is your wife when you are working?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Phoenix - Thanks for the post. I am just as confused. Yes, she always says the house. 95% of the time she spends with the neighbors she asks me to go with her.
When I took the boys on vaca without her back in March she called the next day and asked to reconcile, then called everyday after that until we got home. I actually think if either me or them stayed with her - she wouldn't have called once. She seems to be afraid to be alone.
Regarding the house - she takes great pride in the way she has decorated it. She truly loves to decorate and is very good at it. But there is always something about home. Even years ago when we went on vaca she we get home sick all the time.
She has referred to the neighbors as her family a few times. She actually has said that her parents and aunt wouldn't understand, but the neighbors are like family. When she was growing up, apparently her parents had friends that lived next door and were over a lot. My W likens this sitch to that. I've talked to her parents about it, and they say no way - this is very different.
My take has been that these neighbors didn't know my W until the MLC hit. So they don't know how she has changed. She has closed out all other friends and family. I think that is because she knows all will be shocked at how she has changed. With the neighbors, they don't know any better. They think this is who she really is, so she feels very comfortable.
I have been thinking a lot about trying to move. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it though.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
She works part time. When she is home - she does a lot of work at the house. The neighbors both have full time jobs so she is not with them until they get home. When they get home my kids are home also. The kids keep an eye on her all the time because they hate the neighbors so much.
My W seems to fluctuate between who she is closer with, the H or the W. Now she seems to be closer with the W. They go shopping a lot. They are really the only friends that she hangs with right now.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Agree with the above. You'll know that you are on the way to healing and a better place when you start doing things for YOU and not worrying how it will affect her (not to be translated as being a di-k to her). Eg:
Unhealthy: I'll go to Lake George because if I don't, I'll get into a fight with her and push her further away. I'll do anything to make her happy.
Healthy: My children need me right now while why W is confused and in pain. Time with the neighbors takes time away from me and the kids and this is a boundary for me. If she insists on going with them, I may have to politely refuse as this is one of my non-negotiable unalterable terms.
FIB
PS: the Mets and Lake George.....don't leave your house. BTW..if you DO go away ALONE with her, look into The Sagamore if it is in your price range.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Unhealthy: I'll go to Lake George because if I don't, I'll get into a fight with her and push her further away. I'll do anything to make her happy.
This is exactly what I have been doing. I can't stop. She keeps telling me how she hasn't had a vacation in a long time and how me and the boys went away already - I told her it was her choice not to go. But then I agree to things. All I can think is that her and I would be together for a lot of the time up there and that would be the trade off of going with them.
Quote:
Healthy: My children need me right now while why W is confused and in pain. Time with the neighbors takes time away from me and the kids and this is a boundary for me. If she insists on going with them, I may have to politely refuse as this is one of my non-negotiable unalterable terms.
She had planned for her parents and aunt to take them to their place in Rhode Island the last two weeks of August. Now I know why - so we can do the Lake George thing. If it were just the two of us, I would be psyched. Honestly, I'd rather get up to Rhode Island for a few days to be with everyone.
Quote:
PS: the Mets and Lake George.....don't leave your house. BTW..if you DO go away ALONE with her, look into The Sagamore if it is in your price range.
Yes FIB - sorry - I never responded - I do live in NY. My lawyer has said it's ok as long as we agree ahead of time to these things. The Sagamore is exactly where we were looking. Her and I stayed there years ago at a friends wedding and wanted to go back. I just thought we would do it together and alone. It is a little pricey for me right now, but for alone time with her, I would swing it - not with the neighbors.
It turns out that my father is throwing a surprise anniversary party for my mother the week she wanted to go to Lake George. I told her that I am going to the party. She said are you doing that to be difficult because I don't want to go or because I really want to go to the party. I told her that I really want to go to the party and going with them to LG is not my first choice.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Update - Her Dad just called me. He is very concerned and started seeing his own therapist over the sitch. He is 71 years old and very close with my W. He said that he can't sit back and do nothing anymore. He said he has observed too many things with my W and her behavior. He said that he can't believe the way she treats the kids and he is very worried about me with all the weight I have lost. He said he has great admiration for me with how I have dealt with this and will never forget how I have stood by his daughter when anyone else he knows would have ran. He said he doesn't know how I deal with this 24/7 as he can't take it seeing or talking to her just once or twice a week. He said he loves me like a son - no In-Law. (Again I got choked up).
Apparently they have a friend whose daughter went through a very similar thing (she had a PA and took a bottle of sleeping pills, lost 45 pounds but had a very similar plight as my W - kids, husband, etc..).
Their friends brought their daughter to a psychiatric hospital in the county. She was evaluated and treated for clinical depression and they found that she was lacking some type of brain hormone. She ended up staying at the hospital for a month. She now takes 2 pills a day and will for the rest of her life. She is now 100% better. My MIL and FIL are convinced my W needs to be evaluated at the very least, for depression.
He is going to talk to my W on Monday and demand that she gets evaluated. He is going to tell her that he is now going to counseling and feels that he has to try and do something. He is going to ask her to do it for him. He already made an appointment for her. I told him what I know about MLC and pointed him to some websites and how experts feel you should deal with it. That you can't fix it and that she has to get through it herself. When I look on this site I think my W is in either stage 5 or stage 6 phase one. He said he understood but just can't sit back anymore. i told him that I don't know about this.
What do you guys think?? My W has been speaking to me a lot about her Dad lately. She has a special place for him and is very worried about him. I think deep down she knows he doesn't approve of her behavior. When he talks to her - he is going to refer to her meltdown last week as the reason that he can't let this go on. He is also going to point to her treatment of her kids that he knows something is not right. I think he will be successful in getting her to go. Do you think this is good or bad??
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I'd let it play out. Don't know if it's good or bad, but I do know that you just need to worry about yourself. Your wife's relationship with her dad and whether she goes to counseling is not within your control. She probably is depressed and probably could use help. If he manages it, good for you. I just wouldn't chime in with your own fixes.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Ruling out clinical depression CAN'T hurt. Because if she IS clinically depressed, no amount of DBing, MLCing, or anything is going to work significantly.
Let this be between her and her father. If they have that kind of relationship, maybe he can get thru to her in a way that you haven't been able to.
Phoenix - Thanks. I will stay out of it. But if everyone thought it was a really bad idea - I would tell him not to do it. I will not chime in with anything.
I am trying to just worry about myself. It would be a lot easier to do that if we did not live together. I have mixed emotions though because I don't want to be separated from the boys at all. i think you had said last week or the week before that you thought we needed to separate for a while. I thought long and hard about that and ultimately agreed. In the end - she wouldn't go.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
