Well, we took a little break. On Saturday, we were both exhausted (we went to a barbecue at our neighbors' house, then took the kids to the drive-in for a late movie.) Now, to me, "exhausted" often means "Let's go to bed early, make love, and fall asleep in each others' arms." To her, any amount of tiredness means sexy time is over. "Exhaustion" means there's no point in even mentioning it.
So I did another 180 and told her I thought we should take the rest of the weekend off from sex. I took Sunday morning to get up early and go shooting--this is something I've always loved, but I've been complaining about not having time for a few years now. So on Saturday I signed the twins up for a CMP Juniors program for Sunday night, and while I was at it, signed up for a CMP highpower match. That's a 200-yard match with service rifles--I used a borrowed M1 Garand. I'd never shot in one before, and was further than generally get to shoot, but I thought it would be fun. It was! The pouring rain started with our practice shots, but it was OK because the sky cleared and the sun came out a few minutes after were finished for the day. I had a blast and did pretty well for my first time.
I came home, worked on the house some, and then took the twins back to the gun club for the CMP Juniors. That was great, too. The instructors were excellent and the boys had a great time.
I stuck to my 180 and made no attempt to initiate sex, though I tried to fit in some kissing. I was rather proud of that, but if she noticed, she didn't mention it. I didn't want to act, on Monday, as if a time limit had expired and now all bets were off, but I did have hopes. I did my best to be seductive in the morning, but we were getting all three boys ready to go and there wasn't much sexy about it. She was gone most of the day running around, and when she came home we made dinner and talked for awhile. I have one of our dogs in obedience classes this summer, and they're held at 8:15 on Monday nights, so I had to leave to do that. I came home around 10:00 to find her in bed with the baby, so we played with him for awhile and then I put him to bed. When I came back, she was lying across the entire bed watching TV. She apologized "I guess I should get out of your way, huh?" I told her she wasn't in my way and lay down behind her, spooning. We talked, but not about sex or relationship stuff. I lightly ran my fingers up and down her legs, touched her cheek, little stuff like that. I had rubbed her feet earlier while she played with the baby, so she seemed open to being touched. Eventually, though, I put my hand on her breast. Her nipples were rock hard. I've always thought that meant arousal, but she's told me over and over now that it doesn't mean anything. I still don't always remember. Anyway, her response was: Pulling my hand down."I'm sleepy." (Joking, or trying to)"Yeah, me too. I'm sorry, is it hard to sleep with my hand on your breast?" "If you make sure you don't move or caress me or anything." (Putting my hand back)"OK, I will, but really? This doesn't feel good to you?" (I was thinking of the hard nipple under my palm, and thinking she must be feeling something.) "Sigh . . . . not really, it just feels warm. (Taking my hand off her breast and placing it on her stomach.)"Oh." "I like laying here with your arm around me. . . ." "Yeah. Me, too."
I knew she was trying to make me feel better with that last bit, and I knew I didn't give her much to go on, but I was disappointed, and I wasn't kidding about being tired. And the truth was, she didn't really want me lying there with my arm around her, either. Eventually I got the message in all her squirmings and went back to my side of the bed.
But I didn't learn my lesson. This morning, in the kitchen, I tried a deep kiss. She was responding until I brushed her breast with my hand again. Then she grabbed my wrist and pulled my arm down. She pulled away from the kiss, too. I was hurt by this and I guess I didn't really try to hide it. I asked her what was wrong. "Well, it's just that (looked toward the kids, they were eating breakfast and couldn't see a thing) . . . . I just (looked the other way, at the window, we were nowhere near it) . . . . I don't know. It's just my instinct, I guess. I AM trying, you know."
I'm trying not to take these things personally anymore, but it's impossible not to be sad that her "instinct" is to push me away and reject me. And I guess she's trying, but to me, it sure looked like she tried to find an excuse before she decided she had to tell the truth. I'm sure that's probably unfair, but it doesn't feel that way to me. I do think she's trying . . . sort of. . . but it feels like I'm doing all the work and she's just going to snap back to "normal" like a rubber band if I "let" her.
She did take the SSM book with her on her way out the door. Whether to read it or just to make me feel better, I don't know, but at least she is trying and she does seem to care about how I feel now.
