Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

[Bridgestone]

I'm floundering right now...

I need some direction, but heading off in one direction seems to close off paths that I'm not sure I want closed off.

The summer is 1/2 way done & I will return to my 'job' in 8 weeks, for one last year before needing to find another. That is scary.

In this next year I need to finish my degree or finding a job will be very very hard.

My son heads off for college in 8 weeks as well.

I'm just feeling discombobulated today. I usually clean or organize a drawer when I'm feeling like this, something to just have some order in my life, when if feels as if the rest is spinning out of control.

I want to talk to my H, but he can be so DAM and it just frustrates me even more when I try, hoping he won't be, needing him not to be and then he is.

But when he listens, really listens, looks into my eyes, not at the ground or closing his eyes, nods his head, goes uh-huh, keeps his body relaxed and not tense, puts his hand on mine and 'says,

"Just a minute I want to make sure I'm really getting you here, can I try to give it back to you?"

then taking his time & care, with putting what I said into his own words, with examples and then affirms with something like

"wow, that must really make you hurt/frustrated/angry/anxious, etc. I can really see how abc..def..hij.. could make you feel that way" Can you tell me more?"

.. oh my... so good.

But when we're done and I've been heard. I look at him and think.. now what? What do we have in common?

What we had in common & liked to do together when we were 17 & 19, is so very different now.

I'm tired of putting ideas out there for him to find reasons not to participate in them. We watch moives together. I have watched the same movie with him as I have another guy friend (at another time). H & I had about a 10 minute discussion about what we each liked/thought about the plot, characters, etc.

The friend & I were still talking about it days later.
Laughing at the absurdities we had discussed in it prior to that.

Do people really just 'grow apart'?

and if one still loves the other but is acting as if they are not interested in doing the things it takes to grow with them, by paying lipservice to it and patronizingly going along, because "it's what you wanted to do"

then what?

So I'm left with the 'now what'? attitude today.

I am calling a few counselors I found that specialize in conflict resolution & communication. I'll see who can get us in and is wiling to work with us given the situation.

I asked H to think about what activities (besides sex) he would like to do together to build some companionship & new good memories. He said he'd think about it.

Off to make phone calls.