Officially Here Now

[7 Year Itch]

D was crying I think because she just knew this was the start of something so different. WE've been apart before, but I think she was so nervous about all of this. She mentioned going to a house she didn't know was worrying her. She kept saying she was going to miss me. It was so sad.

God, how does one detach? I read through all these journals where so many of you LBS are so strong and moving forward. I feel so stuck.

My girlfriends came over for dinner Sunday night, and one of them was telling me about how her FIL and MIL married, divorced, then remarried again. Then he had an affair 9 years after that marriage, and they divorced again. She said his Mom is STILL so in love with his Dad and has never recovered. She got into alcohol and the bar scene. She's now been married like 3 other times and divorced, and just looks to replace him. Each time she divorces she goes back to HIS last name. Not her maiden name, not the previous married name, but the name of her husband like 3 husbands ago. It's so sad, and yet I hear that story, and I'm so scared that will be me.

I wish I could hate him. I almost wish there was an affair or something that would give me more anger. Instead all I'll feel is incredible loss and sadness. I'm so sad that I could hurt the person I love most in this world to a point that he could see NOTHING redeeming about trying it with me. How did we get here?

OK, I need to do SOMETHING that will kick me into another gear. I don't know what that is, but I just am not doing well.

On to other things. My youngest D has had a lump in her throat since she was born, and they've always checked it at each visit and said it was a cyst that would go away. Well, it's always worried me, and when we just went for her 2.5 well baby check up, they finally said we should see a ENT specialist at Children's Hospital and get it checked. I'm so scared. They said it was just precautionary, they think it's still totally harmless, but said since it hasn't gone away we should get it checked. I've been nervous about it since she was born, and I'm going to FREAK out if it turns out to be something and they ignored it all this time. I'm so scared. They said they'll probably do an ultrasound on it. Anyway, that appt. is on Wednesday. Don't know if H will attend or not. I reminded him yeseterday about it (he's very worried too). I've got a friend watching D6 so I don't have to entertain her, so I'm really hoping H comes, but I don't count on it.

So I've now lost like 25 lbs, in the last 3 months (had lost 15 prior to that while I was trying to lose weight, and am now at my dating weight with H. However 12 years ,and 2 babies later, the bod is not exactly the same. So I think my next GAL activity is to start doing something to firm up. H is HUGE into excersize, always has been a health nut. I have always wished I could have his energy to do stuff, and after losing all this weight I have more than i have had in years. I'd like to keep it going. Think I'm going to check into pilates.

Chris