HI....I finally found this and, well, since it starts out of my thread/sitch, I want to respond.

First off, Bill and Deb are incredible people. I have found their posts to be not only helpful and supportive but incredibly balanced. Many people here have been with me since day 1, but, for those who haven't been there, Bill was fighting to have me stand for my M while he was SUFFERING through the loss of his. HE NEVER TOLD ME TO GIVE UP ON MY M NOR DID DEB. The decision to file was singularly mine made after repetitive destructive behavior by my W while I tried my best to employ DB tools. Whether or not I implemented those tools well is another matter. The only message I received from Deb's post....was to be happy and make choices that were out of my heart...to get to a place of happiness. I don't think anywhere in there she told me to, even while in D, to dump my W. She only told me that in her experience, she tried her best, found her H's attempts to be insincere, and she made the same decision that I have. She was only trying to open my eyes.

In some ways, my suffering may have been prolonged here BECAUSE no one...NO ONE...told me to dump my W. Let's face it, it's clear by now that the hope for reconciliation can drag on forever as a form of denial. Some of us poor slobs can linger here, perpetually hanging on to nonexistent hope...drowning in a toxic codependent relationship.

But...we all have to travel that path...to try....to learn....before we come to that final conclusion...that even Michele put's in her book: that some marriages can't be saved. Kubler-Ross called death the final stage of growth. We don't yearn for death. We don't yearn for divorce...but is that a form of growth as well?

To sgct....I understand your position and I understand that we ALL want others that arrive here to save their M's. I've read AmyC's posts....I know frank_d and his journey and several other's here. This is one of the most painful processes to go thru. Everyone here has suffered emotional pain. Some more than others. But..if there is one thing I wish to throw out to you...it's just to rethink/have an open mind about having people 'fire themselves'. Why?

Simple....for some...perhaps only the very few....divorce may not be the 'end' of their relationships. If...if...some people remarry or if....if....the LRT is a tool to bring someone back into an M/R ("be prepared to follow through on your LRT"), then to have people 'fire themselves' would be a disservice to the poster.

You can use my OWN sitch as a case in point. This past weekend, my W, again, told me that she doesn't want a D....that she started to cry....that she asked me why I hated her (?) her so much...that she began to apologize...the she wants a new start....

If Bill...frank...amyC.....deb....had been terminated from giving me advice.....would I be here? Did DB'ing get me here? Is this just another crock from her or is she coming out of the tunnel.

CAUTION: I am not terminating my divorce nor do I intend to get burned a 4th time...

But...what is happening here?

Great caution must be exercised here, both on the part of the posters AND the mods. I see no disservice in recommending that a poster use care in advising that a LBS should terminate their M. I DO find it to be a disservice to tell them to 'fire themselves' period.

Most of us have been emotionally abandoned once. We don't need it again.

JMO.

FIB

Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;