Well, I don't know where to start really. I'll try not to make this post too long. I'm exhausted and it's only 9.45am.
So we met up at the cafe this morning. H phoned me to ask where it was, which is unusual for him, and turned up a few mins late. Actually that was hard as I miss hearing his voice on the phone.
He looked better than before, although still fat, but no spots. I greeted him warmly he wasn't that warm but warmed up during the conversation. I kept an upbeat tone throughout. We exchanged pleasentries and chatted. He told me that he had suspended one of his co-ordinators at work and said it with real relish. He has always had a tendency to enjoy that kind of thing but he really seemed to take pleasure in it which I don't find an attractive quality. He then asked me about my work and I tried to engage him but it didn’t really work although he came up with some good suggestions at the end and I thanked him and said it had been really good to talk it through and that those suggestions were really helpful and I could see how that new approach could be really beneficial.
I let there be some silences while we ate and asked some polite questions about his sister and what he's been up to. He said that he was going to see the show Candide with his parents next weekend and I have to say I'm a bit gutted as I would have loved to have seen that. He musically directed once at the Edinburgh Festival so I know it means a lot to him and it was actually me a few weeks ago that pointed out it was on.
Then he asked what did I want to talk about? Actually at that point I had to pause as I suddenly had the most unbelievable urge to cry which I haven't done for a long time. I took a deep breath and said that at our last meeting he'd asked about selling the house and that I'd thought about it and understood his reasons and that if he wanted to go ahead and sell I was happy to do that.
He looked a bit taken aback actually. A few tears rolled down my cheeks which I tried to suppress but I was still smiling. He said 'but what are you going to do, I don't want to sell the house from underneath you'. I just kind of shrugged and said I'd be fine that actually maybe it was a good idea to sell because of the housing market and it was quite a lot of upkeep with a full time job and commute. Then I joked about the neighbours which made us both smile. He said 'but I know you love that house'. And I half shrugged (tears still silently flowing) and said that it was just a house. However, if he did want to sell it would he mind coming up and helping me with some snagging issues and helping me get it into a good state. He said 'of course, I wouldn't want you to do it on your own' then he said worriedly 'is there much to do?' and I said no (blatently yes!!). He then asked me, and this is really weird, if the house was ok and if I was coping with it. I said yes, but the garden was too much for me by myself. Thinking in my head that he hasn't given a s**t before now and has been no help even when stuff has gone wrong. I don’t think he was saying it to ease his mind that there was much to do for the sale it was a genuine question as to whether I was ok. He basically said that he wasn't free for a couple of weekends but maybe in 3/4 weeks time he could come up and help. This is going to be a long process then.
I have to say that I do really feel like there is no hope. He really doesn't think about me anymore. He had forgotten my birthday; I saw it in his face when it came up. He doesn't make any moves to contact me other than to do practical stuff in terms of splitting. I think I am going to go dark now and wait for him to contact me.
He also had a half price voucher for our meal and I asked where he had got that. He said he'd been to a branch of Giraffe 3 weeks ago. Who with? :-( Although he was kind and visibly upset about selling the house, he just doesn't think about me or the situation when he doesn't have to see me and that is so much easier for him. Life is good for him at the moment, he is enjoying his work again and has no hassles or responsibility outside of that. Why would he then put himself through the process of thinking about me when he doesn't have to? Therefore how will he decide that he wants me and wants to come home? Maybe this meeting will make him think?
I don't think I have succeeded in not making this a long post. I feel just awful now and now I have to do a days work.
