Hi Purple, I just wanted you to know that I have tried to read most of your stitch this time around....don't know who you were before, but doesn't matter. What does matter is that you know that you have a support group and I think that is growing here.
I know we mothers put our lives on hold and will put our happiness aside and almost anything else for the sake of our children. However, I do not believe in staying in a R where there is abuse. My sister has been M three times. The first M she suffered physical abuse, the second she suffered sexual and mental abuse, and this last one....I guess you would call it mental b/c he degrades her all the time until there is nothing left of her. She doesn't have the backbone to stand up for herself. She has a child with him and has stuck it out all these years b/c of the child (which is grown now) and b/c she had been M three times already. But, I could not have put up with a man treating me the way he treats her.
Back to your stitch.......I am concerned about the way he was so presistant in having sex with you. It sounded like you gave in to his presistance more than you desiring to ML with him. Also, he did not wait long to have other women and even went to you all torn up about the break-up of one of his OW! That would be hard for me to handle!
You said you seem to have lost yourself when you were with him. I think I can understand what you mean by seeing what happened to my sister. I saw her lose herself b/c she was afraid to think for herself and walked around on egg shells. No matter what she said or done she knew he was going to find fault in it. When he had a bad day (which was almost every day), he took it out on her. I believe when some men know they can kick a woman around like a dog, they will do it. They don't have respect for a woman that will allow anyone to walk on them.
Your H sounds very controlling to me. Have I misunderstood that part? It is like he is saying that he doesn't want to give you time to work on yourself and want to hurry this thing along or he has to move on with his life. Do you think it is b/c he can't do without a woman long enough to give you the time you need? Some men can't live without a woman b/c of the high sex drive, but also, men with low self esteem need a woman that they can verbally or mentally abuse in order to make themselves feel more important or valuable. It is a sick way of doing it, but I believe that is what it boils down to. If they don't cherish and respect their own W, and she has been loyal to him, then he usually has low self esteem. Some men just show it in a different way from women. They bluff their way through life fooling a lot of people, but they know in their own heart the truth and they can't handle it, so they take it out on the one closest to them.
I haven't given you any advice, but I just wanted you to know that I am here to join in your support group, if you want me to. Our stories differ but it doesn't matter, b/c we both are women and can understand where the other one is coming from. I think it is important to get your self esteem built up. If you don't have the courage to face your H to talk to him, that tells me a lot right there! Maybe you need to see an IC before the two of you going together for MC. That's just my POV for whatever it's worth.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are doing exactly what you don't want to do....and that is pushing him away. Stop the chase, just listen to what he has to say. He is saying that he is changing...OKAY.... if that is the case...then have you acknowledged those changes. If he has changed, then change with the changes he is demostrating...hope I helped...
You are right about abusers, considering I too was an abuser. I verbally and physically abused the mother of my children. I totally regret what I did. I never really realized that I had very poor self-esteem. That I had my own issues do deal with rather than take it out on her. I do have to thank her for filing for divorce...because of that action....I would have never went to my journey of discovery regarding my actions....
Purple.
I didn't read much of her post....but I would highly suggest you follow Sandi2 advise.
I am a newbie at Online Community. I stared a thread at "What should I do at this point?" under Divorced but not done..
When you have a chance, take a look at it. Thanks.
If you have any questions regarding as to why an abuser does what he does....I am willing to help based on my experience....and situation with ex-wife.
Purple I have just spent the last 1 1/2 catching up on your post, to say the least I am at a lost for words. You have some good people posting to you heed their advice.
It is late for me and need sleep, I will ponder your sitch and post to you in my a.m. CST. Hang tough you are a good person don't ever question that.
I am currently in the process of replying to an email to h and I'm trying to get that done first and be honest yet not accusing of him before I hook back into writing more on here. I'm trying not to have DB words cloud my own words. I'm really struggling for the right things to say to him that will allow us to continue to communicate by email. It feels a safe way to communicate for now but perhaps not a smart way. However, face to face just is too emotionally charged for both of us right now, I think.
h picks up d from school today and I'll go and collect her from his work at 6pm. I would love it if he could be warm and friendly (and act 'as if') to me without us having skipped 50 million steps (and missed a whole lot of healing) and slipped back into a intimate relationship again. I feel like I'm being false and pushing my fears down as being less important that keeping things on an even keel with him. ugh...not sure if that makes sense. Never mind, if I write enough, something will pop out - surely!? I wish that he would accept that I need to develop my own boundaries and not retreat in hurt when i try to set them, (as clumsily as I do).
Last edited by Purple; 07/01/0804:28 AM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi P Just checking in.. how'd the email go? I think I hear what you're saying..
keeping the peace is important to you, keeping things on an even keel, but to do so right now you feel as if you have to stuff your feelings & act as if it's all good when you know it's not.
And if it's not, when is it going to get talked out, if you both keep on acting 'as if'?
Is that close?
Acknowledgement of a problem is a BIG first step, don't underestimate the emotional upheaval just taking that step causes in you.
hope your day is good!
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hi Bridge...ag I had three goes at your name before I typed it right. I'm still going on the email, I did send him a quick reply when I first got it with a couple of comments but told him I would be sending another one soon (couple of days). I've now got two drafts going at once! The first one started off trying to dissect his email and not turn into a tit for tat. The other one has turned into a huge vent. I'm not sure where to start.
Keeping the peace has always been job #1 for me. I hate hate hate when people are angry regardless if they are angry with me or just angry.
Acknowledgement of the problem....hmmm....I think h feels like I blame him for everything and that I am completely innocent. I know I am not but it's hard to articulate it and put it out there for him to hook into me. aaah....I may have just realised something. I don't want to open up to him because I will feel exposed. He has tried ot open up to me and i have rejected him so he's licking his wounds. The thing is I was trying to protect myself from getting in too deep too quick (again).
Hmm....just babbling here....gotta get to bed.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
